stringing thoughts, like beads.

Don't let me go.

Not just yet.

These arms are made for holding. I can fit you between them quite well.

Press your lips against my temple and tell me it'll be all right. I know you love me. And although there ARE other things that matter, this is one of the most important; I love you.

Passion, it comes and goes. We don't have to share every interest to share a life. To make our small piece of the world work.

Don't let me go.

Hold me just a little tighter. I'll try harder to be the person you want me to be. If you'll try for me too.

WTF books

More later. But man we have a lot of books. The movers have arrived with all our stuff. It's a LOT of stuff. Mostly books.

And more books.

And some random crap.

Oh and our furniture.

I also have: too many clothes and too many shoes.

But man the books. It's out of control.

I love you enough to let you go. (A cry for help)

He told me this. Out of the blue. And, oh gods, oh yee gods.

I don't know if I needed to know this. Too much information for someone who is basically going through a mid-life crisis, seven year itch, change of perspective, change of life.. thing.

I'm not going. Unless he tells me that he's through. Not yet.. This needs time. This needs sorting. We need to give ourselves a chance. We've changed. We've grown APART as individuals. While I CAN imagine life without him, as I live it often enough, I don't enjoy it. I don't like it.

For one: Where would I go? For two what would I do?

I have a teenage daughter who WOULD stay with me, but our younger daughter is ours together. She'd be torn. I'd be shredding a family to pieces. For selfish whim. When we work.. mostly.

Every time I examine the problem I find new issues. I'm going to school on student grants and scholarships. My work abilities are almost purely retail, which doesn't pay well and this is a CRAP time to be looking for a job anywhere.

My girls need a stable home.
I need..
Well fuck my needs. They don't come first. Not right now.
And he needs me. He isolates himself from people. Puts up a barrier that I pull down for him. I give him strength, food, support, adoration, and much much more. I provide a stability and a chaos that is lacking in his world.
He would be worse without me.

Fuck. And I'm sick today... probably from the stress of this stupid announcement. My love, he gives me drama, at least. If not spankings or scenes, or fetish-able moments he gives me something to gnaw on with my crazed little mind.

Fuck. Help?

Winter wonder land

OMG SNOW!
Ok no seriously. Where is all this stuff coming from? How do people LIVE with this.. like.. more then briefly?
This is the first time in well over a decade I've seen this much snow and.. OMG!
Will it ever stop? What kind of insane people enjoy this shit? EWEW! How do I get out of my drive way? Why doesn't the base provide shovels?!?
It has been NON-STOP snowing for over three days now.
Send help.

Here

Hey! I've fallen behind again on updates.

We have arrived in Germany. We've acquired a nice new house. The floors are heated, but it is a base house which means it's not so much MINE as rented from the Air Force. I have to take especially good care of it because it's new new.

I'll be putting up more updates soon. I'm still getting my bearings here.

It's colder. It rains a LOT. It's Greener, with lots of trees.
It's beautiful.

It's COLD!

We don't yet have a car so we've been relying on the on base shuttle system and foot power for getting around. Thus, we haven't seen much of Germany yet. Except for a brief afternoon in Trier with a tour group. I like Trier.

I really look forward to exploring. But we're kind of in a hold pattern right now as everything gets settled into place. It's chaotic, and often rather boring. And hectic. And aggravating.

But we're doing fine. The girls are happy. The hubs is happy. I'm working on happy.

I haven't seen sunshine since we got here. I miss the sun.
I miss my stateside friends. But I'm trying. I REALLY am.

but it's cold.

10 days

My beloved will be home in 10 days. We'll be catching our plane to Germany on the 27th. OMG!

I'm excited, and nervous, and a little sad.
I managed to make friends, who I will now miss very much! But! The next chapter of my life lies ahead!

30 days of letters, day 30: your reflexion in the mirror.

Wow! This morning I go amazing news. Medical clearance has been granted. My husband should haver orders next week, and be home VERY soon after. I'm relieved and happy today.

Today is also the last day of this project. Talk about strange coincidences! Anyway. On to the letter. This should be an interesting attempt. Probably a bit weak though.

Hello Amber,

Look at you! A bit battered around the edges. And you've changed since this all started. The hair looks great by the way! Purple is a good color for you. You're doing fine. I can see the stress and the strain. The deeper bags under your eyes. The new lines between your brows. But, you still look strong. you still look determined. You still look good.

I'm pretty proud of me, think I did pretty good. I kept to my project, for the most part. I kept most of my promises. I stressed and struggled a lot the last few months, but look! Here we are!

Sooner now. It's in the wind. The future is out there waiting to be grasped like a kite. What does the next journey hold for me? I' pretty excited. I CAN handle this.

Look at me.

Still there.

Ready for anything.

30 days of letters, day 29: The person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to.

Bug,

You'd think after 7 years I'd be comfortable telling you every little thing. I still hold back. I STILL get scared. I second and third guess the things I want to talk to you about. You're more sensitive then you let on. You're more fragile then you're willing to admit. I Dislike it when you get cold and withdrawn on topics. OR worse, ignore something simply because it makes you a little uncomfortable. At least tell me when a topic hits your discomfort level? I'll try not to judge you. You were raised a LOT more conservatively then I was and you're still learning to be open minded. But of all people to discuss everything with we should trust one another.
So, out of fear of you judging me. Or worse turning me down cold, I withold parts of myself. Te darker stranger parts I keep to myself. Because I'm sure, positive, so so sure you'll not only dislike them, but in the end dislike me.

I'm sorry.

~A

30 days of letters, day 28: someone that changed your life

Just one someone?!?! Blargh!

Ok ok. Although this is yet another potential multi person letter project I've been pretty bad at not not writing full proper letters. SO! Just for the sake of writing a proper letter to a proper somebody I'm going to write this letter.

Moon,

Happy 16th birthday Autumn-Moon. You are an amazing sweet and strange child! I've learned so much, knowing you, having you for a sister, a friend, a guide, and a daughter. 16 years ago I gave birth to you. 16 years ago I gave you to my parents to love and nurture. I wish I'd had the strength to raise you myself, but they've done a magnificent job.
Your "disabilities" asperger, and minor CP made me afraid to get to know you better for a long time. The ache of being too self involved when you were young has hit home hard for me now that I've "grown up" and am raising your sisters.
Happy birthday Moon unit! I DO love you. I was so happy to talk to you this morning. I promise we'll never loose touch. And I know you've forgiven me for giving you up. I'm still working on forgiving myself, but I truly feel you're better now then you would have been with my selfish self involved barely 18 year old self as your mom.

You helped me grow. You remind me that weakness can be strength. And apparent strength can be weakness.

Happy birthday.

Oh and remember: DON'T LET MOM TEACH YOU TO DRIVE! She's a nutter behind the wheel!

~me

30 days of letters day 27: The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Humm

Nope here's yet another unwritable letter. Every friendly person I've truly enjoyed the company of I've known for more then one day. Sometimes it's just a week, but it's always more then one day. I like networking and connecting. I have no problem adding someone to my contact list if I enjoy talking to them.

Also? I'm incredibly friendly myself. I have no problem striking up interesting brief conversation. There are far too many one hour talks to list the temporary friends all at once.

I'll just say "thanks" to my random interesting "friends".

:) Thanks for the chat!

30 days of letters day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to.

Ella,

My odd fairy goof! You're growing up so fast! We've hit a few snags along your "good girl" path lately, but you're still doing pretty good. I know these little trials and tests are "normal" and I'm correcting them as we go. A whole week without T.V. or video games was hard on us both. I hope our wish comes true soon baby. I promise, pinky and otherwise that I'll love you forever, no matter what turns your life takes.

~Mom

30 days of letters day 25: The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Everyone has hard times. I'm fortunate that my family and friends aren't suffering from anything aside from normal everyday troubles. I certainly wish for more joy in their lives and less small troubles and problems. But if minor life troubles are the worst thing anyone I know or love is suffering, that I am indeed a very fortunate girl!

30 days of letters day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory

Imagine a quick series of small thank you notes. Gorgeous buttery card stock paper, preferably handmade. Small gold thread worked in. Rich green or red calligraphy ink pen. My best handwriting. These need not be long. What more needs be said, after all?

Dad,
Thank you For the tears in your eyes on my wedding day and helping me laugh instead of cry. I still cried, but the beautiful aching mix of joy and sorrow kept us from falling weak into sobbing fits.

Ian,
Thank you for holding her, achingly tender. That moment of wonder when you looked up. When you realized she was "ours" "yours" "mine."

Ian,
Thank you for saying You're mine. Mine first. I'm still working on grasping it, but hearing you say it helped.

Ella,
Thank you for saying I'm the "best mom ever" I know you're buttering me up, but there are moments I can tell you believe it and it makes it easier when I'm struggling.

Shade,
Thank you for being so strong, and weak, and fragile and funny. Every other moment with you is my favorite memory.

"J"
Thank you for Thursdays. Thank you for that one magnificent night that went on forever. Thank you for being my guide. Thursday will always be special now, always be a little sacred.

Jer,
Thank you for Magic. Thank you for moments of brilliance. Thank you for being so amazing that your younger self is still at times my guide through dreams that I don't quite understand.

Will,
Thank you for Monty python, British humor, and many of my favorite kinks.

Violet,
Thank you for a generous spirit, a love of the color purple, and a new "thing" for girls with New York accents.

Belle,
Thank you for guidance.

Cassie,
Thank you for tea. I wish I had a year or three to spend getting to know you. You fascinate me, and I feel as if we should have been sisters, lovers, better friends in some lifetime along side this.

Muffins,
<3 Thank you for the girl crush

Sammy,
You're epic.

My one constant commenter, Big Mark
Some of my favorite morning memories start with reading your comments. It helps me move on to my next blog. Knowing someone, anyone is reading.


To everyone one who has made a moment, a memory, a snapshot I treasure in my life. Thank you. I treasure them. I call on them in my moments of weakness and darkness and despair. The memories kep me stable, keep me happy, keep me warm.

Thank you.

frenzy of over thinking

The weight of the wait.

It is overwhelming. Literally, utterly, completely overwhelming. It has been .. too long since I last was able to physically touch my husband. He was supposed to be home by now. It's been 14 months since he left for Korea, more then 5 months since I got to spend time with him.

I have defiantly learned some things. I Will never again live far from a military base while we're married. I need the community, I need the connection. This deployment was doubly difficult due to me not being able to have access to the doctors/dentists/paperwork people I'm used to dealing with. They may be a bit of a bore, but they're better then nothing. I also miss the "spouse" community. The family activities and the resources I had available.

I've learned that I suck alone, but I already knew that. I did find that I LOVE having 4 full seasons. I hated being stuck inside in the winter, but the beauty of spring, summer, and fall more then made up for that brief span of suck. Now that I know what to expect, I can combat the onset of "S.A.D." better.

I'm tired of us having to jump through hoops. He's SUBMITTED everything. We need word. We need to have him out of Korea before October, hell before Fall. It's enough.

I don't know who to contact. I don't know who to call. I'm fed up and tired. I'm sick. I'm depressed.

And what's the worst? I'm lonely. I've made friends. But I'm love sick. I'm heart sick. I don't feel loved or valued. I don't feel physically adored by the man I have committed to spend my life with. I was able to quash this feeling, for the most part. Then "The incident" happened, and he lost my trust.

And from that point my direction got skewed. I forgave him, especially since he doesn't remember what he did, only that a VERY large sum of money was spent getting himself and his buddy epically drunk. In a juicy bar. I suspect more, but have no proof aside from weeks of absolute guilty silence before his BUDDY called me to apologize on his behalf.

It was a while back, before his mid tour. And everything seemed to go back to normal. Alcohol now makes him sick. (guilt?)
He doesn't socialize as much anymore. In part because his friends have already left. And he's stuck behind. Blaming me for being slow with papers, blaming the air force for doing a suck job, being angry at everything he does. There's not much I can do for him right now other then wait.

Wait as I'm slowly being crushed under the weight of the wait.

He says he doesn't think he'll want to share me with people when he gets home. Umm?

I don't mind him wanting my attention. My affection, my time. But he's CHOSEN to cut himself off from others. I've chosen to be more social. My friends are valuable to me, and I'm going to be saying goodbye to them soon. I don't WANT to go back to us not having any friends other then each other. Other then the people he meets through work, and the moms I meet through the girls schools. There are adults we could be friends with. Why does he want to be introverts? It's awful and boring.

I've expressed an interest in us going out on dates now that the girls are old enough to be left for a bit. HE acts disinterested. He's changed so much in the last few months. He's NEVER been very social, but he was always up for an occasional night out. And I've changed a lot too. I've really started to enjoy my life outside the home. The parts of the world I'd denied myself because it seemed selfish. Now I'm okay giving myself a little "me" time.

I'm scared. I know that any day now we'll get orders. But there's no obvious end in sight. I just want my husband back. I can't stand another few months without him. I can't go another cold winter alone. It's time. Please.. someone tell me it's time.

Tell me I can get out from under the weight of the wait.

30 days of letters day 23: The last person you kissed.

This isn't specific: Kissed as in passion? kissed as in pressed my lips against them? Since my passion based kisses are few and far between I'm choosing kissed as in pressed my lips against as a gesture of love and affection.

Shade,

Look kiddo. I am fully aware that your life is the suck right now. I know you think I've abandoned you for the "exciting" new world of friends I've found.

I want you to know, kiddo, that I truly do love and adore you. Being a teenager is never easy. Being a teenager going through all the extra hardships YOU are going through? That's challenging. You're rising fairly well to the challenge. You've discovered your inner and outer beauty and generally are pretty accepting of it. I often think you're a bit selfish and self oriented, but as far as I can tell, that's pretty normal typical behavior for a young woman your age.

I'm proud of you.

I think you're AWESOME. If I'd known a chick like you when I was your age? I would have thought she was the bees knees and would have made her my bestie in no time flat.

No matter how much I WANT to be your friend now, I can't. I am you mother first. I can interact with you in fun ways, but there's just no crossing that line. It ruins the dynamic, the respect, the fragile authority I have to have over your life.


But. I love you kiddo.

Know that, okay?

~Mom

30 days of letters day 22: someone you want to give a second chance to.

This is yet another difficult assignment. I DO give people second chances. Sometimes, heck OFTEN, my first impression is off. Even when it's right I feel the second chance is worth the time and effort. So: I'm writing to myself again. Although I HAVE given myself second chances, I often hold back on myself before others.

Amber:

I forgive you for your mistakes. I forgive your transgressions. I forgive your moments of weakness, when you were tempted to give up or give in.

You've been strong. Even when you felt weak. I'd love to go outside myself, so I could hold myself when I'm feeling all alone.

It's okay Amber. To feel a little lost and abandoned, It's okay to wish for what you can't have *right now*.

I'm giving you another chance, to get your spirits up. To do what needs to be done. I have faith in you.

~A

30 days of letters day 21: someone you judged by their first impression.

Ca,

I thought you were "stodgy" and for that I'm sorry. You seemed quiet and just this side of plain. You were with held and seemed not that interesting. The way you sat away from the crowd made you seem judgmental, and not shy.

And now I have a lunch "date" with you and your partner for lunch. I'm so glad I didn't judge you overmuch from that first impression! I'm so glad I talked to you again and again. You are more fascinating and deep then most people I've met. I have a feeling we're going to be great friends. I may NEVER tell you about my first impression, because it was rude.

And, I'm sorry. Because you're beautiful!

~A

30 days of letters, Day 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest

I'm Not writing this one.

Instead we'll have an explanation.

I've had my heart broken a lot. By a lot of people. I fall in love easily. Love is a wonderful and amazing thing. I love love. I love the way I feel when I'm in love.

And some relationships ended more naturally, and comfortably. A mutual agreement that we didn't work as a pair.

Some of my lovers left me with big aching wounds in my heart. Where I cried for days, weeks, even months.

That said: I don't feel regret or remorse. Each left behind love taught me something about myself. Each experience taught me something new about love and heart ache.

I was fortunate to find my forever love in my husband. I'm fortunate in that I truly believe that my last bad relationship is behind me.

But little things have broken my heart. My last big heartbreak was actually the first day my youngest daughter attended school. Realizing that my baby was growing up, that I would never have another baby, that my days of babies were behind me. That broke my heart as surely as any past love.

I was a fully realized adult.

I think the day my elder daughter starts collage will come with the same ache. Each time Big change comes it comes with the broken heart of what once was. What is being left behind.

But each ache is followed by growth and positive change.

So, I don't regret my heart breaks. And there's no one to write a letter to today.

Just a blog entry about heart ache.

30 days of letters, Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind-good or bad.

yet another stupid letter to my ex best friend. Hopefully THIS one will bring me the closure I need.

~

Moving past you is proving complicated. You represented so much happiness. You helped me come to some really good realizations about myself. You helped me grow as a person. You were/are a unique and amazing and complicated individual. I'm trying to accept, I'm trying to forgive, I'm trying to forget. I can't help how I feel, to some extent. The way we quit our friendship was ugly and stupid and dramatic. Certainly we've moved to "mutual acquaintance" territory. While I'm not 100% happy with that it is what it is. There's still a lot of hurt associated with memories of you. There's still a lot of sweetness too.
We weren't "normal" or your "Average" type of friends in the first place. I'm okay with the fact that the outside world thought they saw, when they saw us hanging out. I understand why.. mostly. It's all right. But I can't quite stop scratching the "what if" itch. The "why" itch. The "But" itch. (hehe)

Eventually, I hope, I can look at our amazing brief span of friendship in nothing but a good positive light. I've never had a friendship end like ours did. I've never had a friendship that was LIKE ours.

I guess...

I wish I could properly express the mixture of "Thank you" and "Damn..." that I'm still feeling, and probably always will feel. I've said it before, and I'll ay it again. If you ever decide you need me again? I'm here. I don't "need" you, but I miss you.

Bye bye, beautiful.
~A

30 days of letters, Day 18: The person that you wish you could be.

OOooh nice one!

In all honesty, Internets: I very nearly am the person I want to be. I was whining earlier about being afraid of writing myself a letter. And now the challenge is to write a letter to my best self. Let's try this. I'm going to imagine myself as a faceless "friend" or "Associate" of my future best self. This is SUCH a practice in narcissism!

Amber,

Congratulations on at last achieving your dream of being a laughter therapist. I hear the sessions are going well. People tell me all the time how fun and enlightening your classes are. I knew you could do it! All the schooling was a lot of work, and I know you really struggled for a while finding your niche in this job market. If I could I'd shake your hand! Your sessions are fun, inspiring, and very helpful to many of the people who attend them.

Also, I wanted to compliment you on how absolutely fabulous you look for your age. I know you've taken up Tai-chi and yoga with your daughters, and the exercise is really showing. You have a great figure, and you're very strong and flexible! It was funny when you picked up your taller teen age daughter and threw her over your shoulder fireman style, then ran through the Gym with her, screaming, "I'm the fire chief" We all got a big laugh out of it. And watching you pose in downward dog? Honestly I was turned on! Your ass is amazing!

Your relationship with your husband is an inspiration to many military wives. The open levels of communication, the way you both flirt and obviously dote on each other is adorable. The sexual and happy energy between the two of you is electric. It's obvious to even a person that has never met either one of you how very rich and deep your compassion, understanding, love and adoration is for each other.

You are a fantastic mother as well. Having had the pleasure of meeting both of your daughters, they are each such unique and extraordinary individuals. It's obvious you have helped nurture them and support them along their paths. You must be so proud of them!

Your admiring friend,
~Amber who wishes she were you

30 days of letters, Day 17: Someone from your childhood

Oh! This one will be fun!

I was one of those strange children that had an imaginary friend. I still remember him vividly. For a very young me, he existed as real as anyone. I don't remember what I called, him. My mom doesn't either.


To my imaginary friend,

I was a strange lonely child. A changeling who lived in her own little world. But, I still remember you. You were impossibly tall. You wore tight pants with carnival stripes. You had a hat and silly sleeves on your burgundy jacket. We'd play hide and seek. Sometimes you helped me get into trouble. Sometimes you help me get OUT of trouble. I remember your stories, your explanations for the world that I inhabited.

Mountains were sleeping giants, and the trees were their hair. Closets held worlds. That garage in the yard had a small hole that if it was looked out of with the left eye at precisely three o clock in the afternoon gave me a glimpse of magic worlds. I still remember, sitting in the stuffy dark. I remember trying not to sneeze, my eye pressed firmly against that hole, seeing into something.. amazing. something hazy and green and beautiful. That hole SHOULD have given me a glimpse of my mothers hollyhock bushes. It should have shown me two mattresses slowly rotting off their frames. It didn't. I only remember the wolrds I saw in my dreams, but I still believe, A little, that I was given a gift of magic.

To this day I wonder. How can a 4 year old imagine something like you all on her own? Certainly I was brighter then the average child, but before anyone told me I knew a lot of things about spiders (things YOU had taught me). Before anyone else told me I knew about the cycle of rain: Water evaporation - clouds, etc. These were things I remember YOU teaching me.

There are times I still catch glimpses of the world we inhabited in my childhood. There are times it makes me wonder if I'm mad. It also makes me feel blessed, gifted, magic.

So, when my own daughter insisted, at a young age, that her "friend" needed her own plate at the table? I set it. I sit back and watch her play. Wondering...

What makes an imaginary friend?

And I feel lucky. Not only that I had you, but that she has a special little magical friend to keep her company too.

I miss you, but I think you're still part of me. One of the better parts too.

~A

30 days of letters, Day 16: Someone that's not in your state/country

Anna,

Hey kiddo! I miss hanging out with you in brief intervals. And I'm so excited that we're going to both be living in Germany at the same time soon. You've "grown up" since we first became friends. You've finally shed a lot of your baby weight and are feeling comfortable in your skin. You and I struggled through separation from our husbands. We both struggled through loosing someone we were related to to death.

I think that the next three years, we can actually have some pretty great times. We may not be neighbors again, but we can be friends again. Probably better friends then we were before. Because we've both grown so much, changed so much, and discovered so much about ourselves.

I'm excited to see you again, kiddo. :) I'm a little jealous that K has his orders while We're still waiting on my sweeties papers. But I just KNOW everything is not only going to work out, but work out for the best.

YAY! :D see you soon!

~A

30 days of letters, Day 15: the person you miss the most

Halfway through and this is letter number 3 to the hubs. Obviously, when it comes to people In my life he's the most important.

Hey baby,

I don't need to tell you how much I miss you. I know you're grumpy about how things have turned out. Especially the situation between your mother and I. I promise I'll try a little harder with her. We're very different and very much the same. She has made her move forward, I'll make mine. We can agree to disagree on each others issues. We don't have to be friends. But Ella deserves some grandparent time. Shade does too. We'll work through the next few weeks so we leave with good memories in place. I won't pretend to be innocent in this batt;e of wills. I won't pretend to have intentionally held her at a distance. IT was either that or a screaming fit and a screaming fit is an unacceptable answer.

I miss you babe. I hope we get word in the next two weeks. I have a feeling we'll have orders soon. :D

Love!
your Buggle

30 days of letters, Day 14: Someone you've drifted away from.

C,

Hey! I see your face book updates. But that's about as much input as I get. It looks like your life is going interesting and important places. Medical technology is a big and cool field. I always knew you were smart and capable, it's awesome seeing that you're going somewhere with your life. I miss being friends with you, but it's okay. We sort of each grew in different directions. If it weren't for you I'd never have met and married Ian. So, for that you have my eternal friendship and gratitude.

<3 take care sweetie!

~A

30 days of letters, Day 13: someone you wish could forgive you

Hey,

You're never going to see this.

I'm sorry.

There's not much more to say then that. I could try to explain. I could try to correct. But, we will never see eye to eye on this. I wish we could actually sit down and have a face to face. But we're both too high spirited for that to work. I'm willing to admit I'm wrong on certain aspects of our disagreement, but at the heart of the matter? The real reason? I KNOW I'm right. And you? You wouldn't admit you were wrong no matter what, as far as I can tell.

So, while I wish you could forgive me- I'll settle for forgiving you. It's ok. I know it's hard for you. I hope it gets better.

sincerely,
~A

30 days of letters, Day 12: person you hate/ that has caused you the most pain

There is no one. I actually don't "hate" anyone.

As to the person who has caused me the most pain? I hurt myself more then anyone else has ever hurt me, emotionally anyway.

I don't think I'm ready to write a letter to myself..

sorry :P

30 days of letters, Day 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Uncle Tommy,

I wish I had a chance to tell you how much we have in common now.

Unlike some of the things you struggled with, I have acceptance (for the most part). I can't imagine a life of having to hide. Of having to lie about your "Friend" of having to like about your sickness later on. I wish you'd tried treatment. I wish you'd hung around a little longer. You were my favorite uncle, you still are. I at least got to tell you that.

You didn't get a chance to see me change. But I know you'd be proud of the woman I have become. I'm strong, Tommy.
I'm beautiful, Tommy. And I am taking everything that was sweet and joyous that I knew of you and keeping it bright and glowing in my life. I'm OUT, Tommy! I'm open. I love you, and miss you, and understand your struggles.

I'm helping other people be okay with themselves and accepting their best selves. I'm raising my children with open minds.

I'm never 15 minutes late, but when someone is I smile just a little and think of you. You and your special "Denton" time. I think of piano music floating through the house, and you sitting on the bench next to a very young pigtailed freckled me guiding my awkward fingers through ode to joy.

I still play it Tommy. I wish I could play more, but I can still play ode to joy. I think of playing tag, and being lifted and spun until I was dizzy and giddy and silly.

Thank you. You, ginger haired and beautiful. You silly, smiling, and sweet. You and everything that was the best about you.
A piece of you lives in me forever. I love you.

~A

30 days of letters, day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Hey sweetie.

You knew you'd be getting one of these. You'll probably get more letters as this experiment continues. I miss you. I miss you so much every day. There are moments where I'm okay. Where I am dealing as best I can with the world. Where for a whole breath, for a whole heartbeat I am perfectly allright. Where I can cope in this moment without you. And then the ache in my heart opens. Then my stomach drops, then I exhale. And I miss you all over again. I'm just barely handling the world on my own. I'm just barely dealing with each day as it comes. I'm trying so hard not to feel like you have abandoned me.

I know I'm more important then your job.
I know you're mine.
And yet I don't truly believe it. You belong to them first. You always will. You belong to your job, to your world. If you were truly mine you'd try harder. I just know it. But I lso know that's a "feeling" and not reality.


I CAN NOT do this on my own. I'm having a hard enough time taking care of our children. Of my self. Of my sanity. I can't take care of you right now. You're too damn far away.

And what's more, I shouldn't have to.

ALSO! These things I'm asking for aren't so extreme. Your fear will push me further into it, not away. You should know this. Please join me. Please take my hand. Let's travel the path of life together. Don't leave me alone, in the dark.

I love you babe.

~A

30 days of letters, Day 9: someone I wish I could meet.

This is a hard one. I can't say there's any particular person I want to meet, who is alive and kicking in todays world.

Past? I can do that. We'll pretend that he can understand my slang. Since he can receive a letter from the future and all.. Even these letters are really for me not them so :P

Nikola Tesla,

Dear sir,

I would like to humbly thank you for.. everything. Your impact on my personal life has been extreme. Your vision and inventions changed the flow of history. If I could travel back in time I'd shake your hand.
Or as Spider Robinson would put it:

I, madam, I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I?

He's a bit of a fan of yours too. And more likely to get to meet you being a time traveling science fiction writer himself.

The future is even more mad then you could have envisioned. Probably only about 1/4 as interesting as it would have been if people had listened to you a bit more.

yours,
~A

30 days of letters, Day 8: My favourite internet friend

OOps! missed a post yesterday, but I'll make it up by pretending it didn't happen.
~~~~
"Puff"

Oh you shining star! I have had the pleasure to meet you already once. And I'm really hoping to meet you again next month if $$ and time comply. Sure it's a day drive with kidlets in tow, but you, you are amazing.
Strong, beautiful, and human. I'd have never done ToI if I hadn't thought there'd be a chance of being part of the puffkateer crew.
Wish I were state side longer so we can hang more then once more! However: 3 years ain't so long and I have this way of adopting friends for a good long time.

Thanks for being my internet friend, my favorite blogress, my guide to all things vaping. Thanks!

Gloata FTW!

~"Bug"

And to the rest of Gloata, to the puffkateers, to the "vape" community: Wow! We're like the cool nicotine version of AA without the A or the A or bad coffee.. actually we're nothing like that at all. NM. ;)

30 days of letters: Day 7, Your Ex-partner/love/crush

S,

Don't get riled.Thanks for the papers. Thanks for not asking for much. Thanks for keeping your distance and moving on. I'm pretty sure I have at last reached the point where I can say "I forgive you" and "I hope life turns out okay for you".

Just as long as you stay waaaaaaaay over there.

We were both young. And dumb. And I'm sure I made as many mistakes as you did. I'm sure it couldn't be as bad as it's painted in some of my nightmares. Even if it was? You're forgiven, from afar.

She looks a little like you. And she's beautiful. She looks a little like me. And she's amazing. I can't hate or spite someone who gave me someone so amazing to spend time with. She's... a gift. I sorry you'll only ever see small pictures of her.

So thank you. But, keep your distance. We're defiantly better like this.

your ex.

30 days of letters. Day 6: to a stranger.

You,

You know who you are. Stop the hate. Stop the venom. Hurt is good for no one. I can't stand by and abide by this. I can't just watch from the side. And Yet I have to. It's not my place, except that it is. NO ONE deserves to be treated with hate. No one deserves to have their feelings and needs dismissed. I am not strong enough to physically take this on. I'm not strong in any way, except opinion. And you, stranger, are WRONG. Your choice is wrong. Your current opinion and belief set is wrong. Why must you take your pain out on others. We both know it's you that aches.

Let someone help you.

And stop hurting others.

Please?
~A

State of mind

OK! So FML.

I'm already in debt due to dental bills and I'm going to be beholden to another.

On the upside? Ian has his papers. They're in transit to Germany. On the downside? We'll probably be denied unless I get two more teeth pulled STAT.

FML. I Hate dentists.

Plus there's a chance we'll get denied anyway due to Shades IEP.

FML.

That'd mean us going back to AZ

This whole year apart and everything that has happened would be for nothing.

FML.

I'm making appointments. Making arrangements. Getting the kiddos in school and setting my hopes on approval.

He may be in Korea until late September.

He misses me though.

FML.

*cries*

I'll put in todays letter for the 30 days of letters project later. I just needed to rant. Kthxbai.

30 days of letters. Day 5: my dreams

Dear dreams,

I want you back! Last night was the first time in a long while I've had a dream that I remember. I used to have such gorgeous deep vivid dreams. Dreams that would stick with me through the day. I'd have epic dreams, stuff that would amuse and inspire. Dreams that would help me define the way I felt about the people and places in my world. Somehow, somewhere, I lost you.

Dreams, I promise I'll pay attention to you.
Dreams: I cherish you!

Please come back!

Or am I writing to the dreams I have for my life: Dream: I'm on my way. I have made some small steps toward the goal of becoming a laughter therapist. This will happen!

Or perhaps to my day dreams? Diversions and distractions that fill my days. Those I have had a plethora of. I need to work on defining these hazy fantasies instead of getting lost in the shiny and gloss of wish and want. I can spend hours staring into space, lost in though, lost in dream. These dreams perhaps I can work on transferring to the night. Perhaps I can work on making these clearer.

I'll learn better to listen to the dreams. Dreams are important stuff. The web of the subconscious is such a magnificent place. It's finding my way through it.

Dreams. I'm here. I'm waiting!

30 days of letters. Day 4: Letter to my sibling (or close relative)

Day 4 letter to my closest sibling. I have two siblings- a brother and a sister. My brother is an eternal pothead-Peter Pan. But, my sister is one of my best friends and a truly good human. SO! Since I miss her:

D'ropal,

My sweetheart! California is so far. And this year has been as full of hardships and blessings for you as it has been for me. You're almost ready to pop out your son, and I'm so excited to have another nephew! I wish I could meet him now, but I'll settle for soon!

You always have been and always will be the coolest chick I've ever known. It's been amazing watching you grow up and mature. I love you! It's baffling to me that I'm older and yet I still want to "grow up" to be like you.

You of all people seem to understand my troubles and hardships the most, and you seem the least willing to share your own problems. I wish I could lend you even one fourth the support you've given me. Aww kiddo! Keep me up to date? Keep those pictures coming. Call when you can! I'll call you once this most recent stint of B.S. passes so I can be happy with and for you instead of stressed.

Keep being Awesome!

30 days of letters day 3: My parents

Dear mom and dad!

Mom. Yes, you were right. Things would have been easier if I'd stayed in A.Z. Yes Daddio. Winter is cold. Regardless of the hardships I still don't regret making the choice to move out here. YES it's been hard. IT's going to be even harder living in Germany. This year was about starting to step away, starting to separate. It's going to be even harder and lonelier without you nearby when I'm so very very far away.

Mom. You don't have to love my choices for hair color and piercing. But suggesting that I'm literally insane is hurtful. Dad, I think I know why you're not talking to me. I'm sorry you're still grieving too. I wish, for that at least, that I were closer. I know Naunies death hit you hard. It hit me hard and I'm removed by a generation. I learned my emotional coping skills from you so.. I understand at least to some extent. I love you Daddy.

I'm sorry your two daughters had to grow up and move so far away while you son refuses to do either. Life is strange and complex. I can only hope to emulate the good and try to learn from the bad. I hope my daughters gain from my experience. I already catch myself at all kinds of moments giggling as I realize you were both right about something I stubbornly refused to believe as a child. Life is it's own greatest teacher sometimes.

I DO miss you both. I wish it weren't such a far drive or I'd be at your doorstep in a moment. I hope the next few years are full of joy in our separate worlds. No more badness. I'm hoping you can come visit us in Germany, or we can come visit Stateside.

Love always your 'bRosie

30 days of letters. Day 2

Day 2 challenge is a letter to my partner/crush. SO! For my beloved.

Hubs,

Today is harder then usual. You were supposed to be home. We were supposed to be in St. Louis having a small second honey moon. Instead.. Instead we're still stuck between unsure and a long wait.
You were afraid I was being bad. And I have been weird, but not bad. I'm just working on finding me while I'm missing you.

I miss you so much. This has been a nearly impossible year. This has been a horrible two months. And.. I'm done waiting. But baby I want you to know I love you. I love you so very much.

All I really want is to be with you. Just, so you know.

your "Bug"

30 days of letters. Day 1.

The first letter of this project is to my best friend. I THOUGHT I had a best friend, recently. But I am no longer sure. However: Until recently he WAS my best friend and he deserves a note.

Dear best friend,

You will always be my favorite bar tender. Death by chocolate martini, Pearl Harbor, Oatmeal cookie. You remembered that I'm allergic to gold, but forgot that I prefer to be told the truth. You said you'd explain the situation between you and your girl. I don't think you realize that I honestly want to know. I want so much to tell you about everything that's happened while your "gag order" has been in place. I'd like to give you a quick hug to thank you for introducing me to the community that I've found a comfortable foot hold in. Even if it is temporarily.

I don't just miss subtitles, you know. I miss dancing and listening to stories. It was a great span of time we had, learning about each other. I thought our kids could be friends too. I, apparently misjudged you. I thought I could trust you to stick around. I thought I could trust you to listen and care.

That trust is broken. And, after telling you about how my trust issues are OFTEN broken, I think it's especially fucked up of you to leave things like this. Why am I not saying this to your face? Because you keep blowing me off. Once. Twice. I'm going to wait a day and try one more time. Blow me off again and you're dismissed. But there will be ONE small hurt text. You made me cry "Bestie" But you made me laugh too. You're forgiven even this.

I hope your life goes REALLY good. I hope there's love and joy and laughter and as little bad hurt and pain as possible. Even after this ugly little parting of ways, I acknowledge that you made part of my life much better. You opened my eyes. So, thank you. Thank you, and good bye.

~Amber

Really?

Some ass hat has decided to make my already complicated and stressful life a little more "interesting"

My husband received a crude Personal message on Facebook, my name was the title. It was awful and implied that I was doing things I was NOT doing. of course he deleted it instead of keeping. I haven't read it, I just know it frightened him and sent his head reeling. He's going through enough shit right now.

Thanks to this ass hat, I've gone to all my forums, places I hang out in the virtual world, and stripped them of as much info as possible. I got big time scared. I wasn't doing anything wrong, and yet we both blame me.

F

M

L

New followers!

Oh my goodness! Hai!

Thanks for the follow!

ugly broken poem

fingers wandering...

mind all a spin.

all over wondering

where to begin

I hate rhyming

the word should be set free

Ah dear, and here I go again.

Take me. Make me.

Squirm and squeal.

Want to fuck me.

Make it REAL.

Dancing at midnight motion and light

Some kinda latte? something about a spoon?

Fuck these damn rhymes I refuse, GOOD NIGHT!

Cocky smile far too soon.

A kiss. An innocent seeming thing.

I'd love a kiss, to share the sweet.

Knew in moments where it was going.

I'd love a dance, just move those feet.

Too late.. there they go! I told 'em to stop! I'm trying to free the words but I can't. I'm trying to write out the joy and the ache. Trying to free everything that's inside so I can fucking come and get off and go to sleep! And instead instead of rubbing one out and counting sheep... I'm obsessing and regressing and being all a messing..

And the rhymes! The fucking poems... the hated "poet" comes spinning through. Her skirts all a flutter, singing of lust and scrambled eggs and fucking butter. I don't want to be lyrical. I want to make sense. But my brain doesn't work that way.

It's a top, a dizzy, a tizzy, a mess. Broken like they find me. Broken like they leave me.

Happy! JOY! See me smile? I am, you know, sometimes. Not hiding behind my walls. Not hiding anything. Give 'em everything so they can't take a thing. So it's all right in the end. And I promise it'll be okay. I promise I'll be back soon. Can I play a different game? How's cards? How's Duck fucka duck goose?

Make me smile? Oh but I am. I am. I will. I have. It's almost my turn, to turn the tables 'round. To leave. To lead. To run.

Mind all a wander..

fingers a useless mess

left only to ponder

why I'm in a state of undress.

Again!

So Tomorrow night I'm doing it again! Socialising is a must. With all the bad stuff going on I need to be right on top of the good. Friday afternoon I'm off to be social again. No trying to make any specific friends this time. Instead I'm just going to go out, have a good time, and enjoy myself.

~

On a separate note:

My weight is great right now. I'm right where I like to be, and I look pretty damn good in clothes. When Ian finally gets home I just know he's going to be pleased with the care I've taken to not only keep the house and children in shape, but to put myself in order.

I weigh between 138-142 most days. I'm eating healthy and taking all the vitamins. I've been exercising more lately. I miss going OUT dancing (great exercise!) so I'm dancing around the house instead. Cleaning and sweeping and making my home super pretty.

~

This one is positive, I swear!

SO!

Tonight I go out to meet more new people. I'm throwing myself into the social thing. Shade is earning her baby sitting creds for a few hours so I can have a few hours out. I'm excited and nervous all over again. I'm tempted to roll on the once burnt twice shy attitude, but I just can't. I need to talk to other adult human beings. And the only way to do it is find like minded people to interact with.

I'm happy, cautious, and.. glowing!

I want my mommy!

Jesus fucking christ.

SEE?! This is why I don't bother with other people.

As if my shit weren't complicated enough...

Now I'm once again struggling to find people to hang out with. Just because my "friend" doesn't want to hang out with me while he's dating his girl. (And I get it, okay? But it STILL FUCKING SUCKS!)

What. The. Fuck. Ever.

AND! Ian is stressing. Paperwork is running behind. I'm trying, ok? I'm on this like white on rice, but it can only get done at the rate of doctors appointments allow.

I'm stressed too.

I'm lonely too.

I'm sorry he's upset and stressed and strained and that I can't give him the fucking hug he needs. I don't know if it's better or worse when he calls me when he's in these moods. Especially since I'm in one of those moods too. I am not much help like this.

I'm trying.. trying so hard to keep my outlet for stress open. But I'm abandoned all over again. My skin, my soul aching for simple human touch.

And I'm thisclose to just calling my mom and crying. Like she can help. *Sigh*

I know he's not going to be home this month.

It's breaking my heart. And I don't know what to do. I'm .. I'm lost.

Flailing my limp useless fists into the winds and wishing, Just when I needed someone the most..

I'm sorry.

I wish my shit didn't suck so much that I needed somewhere to let it out. I'm sorry you, poor gentle reader are here "listening" to me whine. I have an appointment with my councler tomorrow. She'll probably be delighted to see me let down my walls of laughter and absent minded dismissal. I've been open and honest with her, but this has been a long time coming.

I'm ugly when I cry. Damn it. And this much crying in one month is ridiculous. I need help.

A li'l emo

Ok...

So I got peirced. And, it's done in quite an obvious way. It'll look better once the swelling has gone down and I put the jewlery that *belongs* there in. But here's my feelings on the new stuff...

O

It seems a little weird.

But when she stuck the needle through my cheek I got a little wet.

Couldn't help it. The boost of endorphins... The knowledge that forever, I was marked. It may be a small thing. Not the tattoo I originally intended to commemorate my time in Kentucky, but this was a more pressing urge.

My heart has been full of ache my time here.

My grandmother died near Thanksgiving (on my Dads Birthday too, poor thing)

I found out all over again what it was to *want* to *need* and to feel left behind.

I needed tears. I am awful about crying. So...

For my slightly broken and aching heart... Especially now, after bad news to the double, I got holed.

I will cry stainless steel tears.

And the poke and push of needle through flesh.…

She helped me get there.

And it's a little weird. I got looked at sideways all day. The way I am sometimes when I get "done up" but even more so.

I'm not sure what to think about the reactions since.. personally *I* love them. My tears.

Picture:

Magic friend!

I was allowed to cry last night.

I have manymanymany issues with crying. Letting down all the walls I put between the ache that leads to tears is *hard* for me.

I needed to cry so badly last night. And a friend helped ease me through it. I got held. Told it was okay, and comforted. My soul is slightly more at ease now. I am truly glad to have found a few worthwhile friends out here. I was so frightened that I'd never meet anyone who I'd be able to "hang out" with.

Even though I'm on a limited time budget I truly appreciate my friends here. I hope I've given as good as I've gotten. I hope I don't frighten them away with my *clingwrap* approach. I hope we can somehow manage to STAY friends.

Thank you, for the hug, the permission, and the companionship. I promise you it's not going to be forgotten.

Yet another whine

Yep! The upswing turned into an all out, fall out, full on downswing.

This is not my fault. I need to remember that before moving on in the writing because otherwise it's going to get worse before it gets better.

I'll probably end up having to go longer then August 20th without my beloved. He may be held over until his orders come through. And god knows how long that'll take.

That sucks and stinks and makes me so fucking sad..

I'm doing the doctor stuff today. And hopefully it'll go easy as cake and pie. Then all the paperwork gets sent out to him, he finishes it and it goes to Germany for approval.

BUT! We're running on borrowed time as it is. Germany can be slow.

He's pretty much told me that he's going to not be home August 20.

I'm so lonely,

Give

Oh god.

I wish..

I want..

I need..

Fuck. Need to find a less public outlet for this mess! Someone guide me!? I'm lost, too now. Helping isn't helping. Everything suddenly stopped making sense and I .. I liked it just fine the way it was. Why the drama?

Drama is so stupid!

I want to help..

I can't.

I want to...

help.

And there's nothing I can do.

I miss my hubby. I'm stressed.

The paperwork has me in over my head.. Appointments, and signing, and figuring out how stuff works.

I want to cry.. To be held and told it'll all be better. To be pulled into someones arms and pet and loved for a few minutes. I've found temporary alternatives. Ways to let out the hurt a little. Ways to ease the ache.

But today.. my empathic/nurturing whatever self has me all aching. missing.. wishing. And not making a lick of sense because there's NOONE I can talk to about all of it.

The whole kit and caboodle.

The pest

I am trying so hard not to "Bug" my friends. I'm always so excited with the new buddies that I'm total cling wrap when I find them. I'm working today not to feel the wash of "need" I always seem to get after hanging out with good new people.

I've had a good new friend for a few weeks now, and it was like everyday we talked. Now suddenly HOURS (all most a full 24) since we talked. How pathetic is it that I'm feeling neglected? I know I'm replaceable, not by any means a unique and beautiful snowflake... and so I usually work extra hard with my friends to make sure I give them my attention, my time, bits of myself.

So when they suddenly get busy with their own lives I get all selfish and pouty. I *KNOW* this is not sound healthy thinking. Okay? But blog.. You're my vent. I can tell you my thoughts and not worry about it. I can let out this stuff and feel better. Bleeding the sickness out in words and thoughts so I don't send a bizillin needy fawning texts.

Because, honestly? I know it's just getting schedules in line. My friends like me. I KNOW they do.

So..why do I feel a little abandoned? Is it to do with certain words used in a "play" situation? Probably. A button was found and pushed and I doubt they even know how much it affected me.

"I can find another.."

Oh don't. Not yet.

please?

O! Hai!

I didn't forget about you! Really I didn't! I've been especially busy with appointments, and paperwork, and best of all making friends. It's so nice having people to talk to that I don't just interact with on the computer in the relative safety and comfort of my living room.

upswing.

Still a little tired. Writing from My motel, didn't nearly get enough sleep. I've trained myself far too well to wake up with birdsong.

So. The decision has been made. I'm not JUST writing after my hiatus. I'm submitting again. No more "easy" stuff either. No.

I can get over this fear that the words I REALLY care about will be awful. My truly good stuff if TRULY good by gawd, and I'm not going to write cheap trash anymore.

This weekend

I'm going to go be social again. Socializing seems to be working very well for me. I'm making short term friends. I'm VERY excited about meeting madam Puff.

Apparently though, the stress of setting up a baby sitter, booking a room, and all the other necessary stuff has negatively affected my sin. I have a fairly nice complexion. Not perfect by any means, but usually clear, clean, and fresh. I'll get hormonal break outs and stress break outs. I'm currently suffering a stress breakout. One HUGE mother of a pimple. Same spot I always seem to get it, on my cheek. It's huge and ugly and full of badness. I'm doing everything I can to get it to clear up, but it looks like I'll have to go meet new and exciting people with a zit.

I'm 34!! Pimples at my age are just annoying.

I can sorta cover it up, a light layer of makeup, not so much to cover the pimple itself but the ring of redness it stains my cheek with. This huge eyesore.

The last two weeks have been one small disaster after another, as if fate, destiny, whatever were trying as hard as possible to make this upcoming weekend a no go. I've walked through these with grace. Because sometimes? Sometimes things have GOT to be done.

I deserve a little me time. I DO feel a little guilty about it, but I deserve it. I've been VERY good for a VERY long time. I want to go, hang out with some cool people, have a drink, catch a cab to my motel, sleep it off, then say my goodbyes and go home.

*snap* Smile!

I'm getting set up to do a few pictures. The type that are for certain eyes only. I'm still very shy about this, but was inspired by the beautiful sex blogger Screaming Violet. If she can do this, I can as well.

I was also given a very wonderful view of some other inspiring muses. Again, this isn't something I'll share here. Not because I don't think my followers (all three of you) are mature adults, but mostly out of shyness.

I don't have this blog labeled adult. And though I'm not planning on flashing nip or pink.. I still feel that an intimate photograph is "adult" materiel.

Anyway. I'm sharing here to encourage myself to do it, to remind myself that I CAN do this. That I can be sensual and naughty and risque. I'm not going to let fear stop me.

Muse-ic

So music. Very important to setting the scene and feeling for my stories. I HAD a great connection to new music. But the shine wore off. So, now I need to find more. Music, connections, or shine. Wish I knew.

Readers who don't follow... please help a girl out. Followers.. Hook me up. I NEED music to get this going. Listening to the same stuff is a great start, but FRESH music is better. Nw and exciting. Please? Pretty please?

Here it goes again!

Amazing. I get started and it's like a faucet. A spigot that was waiting to be turned on. Not all, or even a large percentage of what I'm writing is going here. But.. I'm writing. This makes me so happy! I think my sessions with the councilor are helping too. She's not 100% perfect for me, saying things I half expect, very text book, but she's helping me pull myself out of my head.

My next big step. A story. A full plot and sub plot, story. Even if it goes no where. I feel this need to start and finish a fictional piece. I CAN do this!!!

Want

I'll keep it brief. The word of the Week? WANT. Want, desire, covet. WANT. It's a noun, baby. If I believed in the Christian or Catholic belief set I'd be in confession because the WANT is strong. Not having. Not gonna get it, which makes the desire all the greater. So many pretty shining things out there that I want. So much brilliant beautiful.. things.

Kiss

I like to kiss.

I'm not an overly physically affectionate person. I like handshakes and brief hugs. I am not snuggle prone. My ideal moment does not involve eternities entwined. Nothing wrong with a good hug.But I like my space. All that aside, kisses are my favorite method of expression.

I blow my children kisses. I press dry lips agains foreheads to check for temperatures. I kiss a freckle on sweet upturned noses. I kiss bandages that have been put over boo-boos to make it all better.

And then there's the other set. A kiss in the air near a friends cheek. A kiss of palm and fingers for my beloved. Lips are for touching for cheeks, lips for lips. Firm kisses, soft kisses, deep and rough and sometimes with teeth kisses.

I apparently experience the world on some deep meaningful level through my lips. So kisses, kisses mark my love. more X less O

Enamored of the moment.

A much less worthy tired Attempt at the writing I plan to do a bit more of.

And there I go again. Tumbling into a smile. Falling into a moment. In love with the idea. The potential. The dream.

More then aware that the dream is just that. Imagined silk of skin is different then touch. The surreal want. The imagined chase. Don't go hot and cold on me now. That etherial moment is whisper thin, lighter then a butterfly kiss. Can't let it slip.

The moment is all I have. That quiet tip toe dreams and fantasy. If I analyze or obsess the moment will scatter, shatter, run away on cat feet. Want to tackle and tangle fleeting muse. Feet and hands and lips. Want to steal every ounce of sweetness to moments glimpse of a smile.

there it goes.

Here

I can't copy the picture. It's not mine. But Here's the fragment that I found to go with it.

A place to sleep. Somewhere warm and dry. Days had turned into weeks, weeks into months. The dust was everywhere. Dust of a life I fled. The streets aren't as cold and lonely as every one says they are. There's a strange camaraderie among the homeless. But at night, 3:00 in the morning, the witching hour, it gets cold. It gets scary. For a girl on her own. A girl who refuses to sell her body, to sell her soul just for a bite. But I'll sacrifice some dignity.

The car is a heap. Rust on wheels, Decorated with droppings and dirt. It's abandoned, one door permanently askew. And this is a bad part of town. This time of night there isn't really a GOOD part of town. I'll just climb inside. I wish I could will it to run. To take me away from hunger and cold. I wish I could will flat bald tires to turn, to ride the curving gleaming pavement into a world that welcomes me with open arms instead of walking past my outstretched hand. In a hurry, like they've got someplace better to go.
The seat is barely there, worn and scratchy against me. But it's dry. It's warm. And it's full of dreams. Like me, someone once loved this car. And tonight? I'll love it too.

on writing

I don't do it enough. I found a piece of muse today, thanks to someone on twitter. I wrote. It felt good to just put words together. To tell a fragment of a story. I like what I wrote. But it's incomplete. It's as disjointed as ever. I'm still proud of myself. It's not a whole BIG story but it's a very pretty piece. I can feel the sorrow wafting off it. I think I captured the moment. so. Perhaps from now on I'll go search for little muses. String them together like daisies on a chain. Maybe I don't need a big story to feel like I'm an "official" writer. Maybe I just need to write.

Budgeting

So, first session w/ councilor was.. interesting. She's nice. Enough said there.

As I have bigger rants. I can't keep a budget lately. My dental work is getting fucking expensive. Hundreds of dollars for stuff that goes under my teeth. Stuff my dental coverage- meager as it is, doesn't cover. If this shit is so necessary to my dental health why isn't it at least partially covered? Seriously. Thanks to the birthday this month and other things I'm not sure how I'm going to stay on budget. It's the day after payday and already half his earnings are gone. And he wants ink. He deserves to get this done. He deserves nice things. And I'm blowing our budget on my fucking stupid teeth. Have to pay off cards, we're more behind then we're ahead. HAve to pay bills, if I don't bad things could happen. And I'm wondering if it'll cost more or less in the long run to have my cell phone service stopped all together. How does one get out of a contract? I'm pretty sure the small print makes it stupid hard to get out of. I feel like a sucker for signing into a 2 year contract in the first place. Especially since I don't use it more then once maybe twice a month.

I'd get a job, but It'd be minimum wage and in this economy with the skill set I have and the high schoolers out looking at my same group of jobs, my chances and choices are the suck. Feeling more helpless then usual. Is it August yet?!?

I have to get my shit together. I need to figure this shit out. Maybe it's time to see what my skills with crochet are worth. I can hook like a fiend. And if there's even a little payout attached to that maybe it's time to see if it's worth it.

Shrunk

So after the drama the other day. Then the writing to bleed the emotion a bit I made some phone calls. It's time to work through some issues. I know I'm still a mess over my grandmothers funeral. I know I'm struggling with Ian being so far away.

I made an appointment with a councilor. We start next week on the 15th. Hopefully having someone to help me sift through the debris of my emotions will help me learn to regulate them.

Failure

I am and she is.

My kid is a failure. Her teachers gave her a D minuses. Which, is passing I am aware. But not really. Her reaction? "At least I passed" And not in relief, but in her new and exciting "entitled" voice. She's entitled to that (barely) passing grade. She "needs" her hair colored a new color every other week. She "needs" new this new that. I don't have the $$ to give her much of an allowance or buy her many of these things she "needs". I try, because self expression is important.

The girl is only 13, almost 14. I don't know if we'll survive her teenage years without one of us exploding. I hit her today. I slapped her across the face. And believe me when I say I feel dirty and guilty and wrong. My temper got out of control and she wouldn't stop. She wouldn't stop. I should know better. I'm the adult here. I'm the one who has to decide to stop the argument. I'm the one who has to choose to quit before things escalate into ugliness.

I'm not shocked that I feel so much about her. She's MY girl. Mine and mine alone. The only truly good thing that came from a very unhappy marriage is this child. The only thing that makes me proud and sad and strong is knowing (when she's good) that I am raising this amazing young lady.

And then we have days like this. Where I wonder if I'm raising a future criminal or prostitute. When she wears the type of clothing that I don't deem acceptable for leaving the house in (And I allow quite a bit of artistic clothing choices) and SHE throws a fit. 'Cause looking like a homeless person in 6 layers of clothing on a hot humid day, then sweating and smelling like a pig is, apparently EXACTLY what she wanted to do ..mooooom. And I' such a Bitch and soooo mean for "MAKING" her change. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk my life.

And I'm scared. I'm scared that today she'll tell someone I hit her. And They'd take her away. They'd take the joy the light the happiness over one bad decision. Over one unthought through moment. Would I deserve it? Do I deserve to be a parent. A good percent of the time I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. And I'm going this mostly alone. I'm far away from my family, my husband is a million miles away. I don't know what I'm doing! But They're MINE. These children are mine. I love them like noone else does. And so it's back to reading up on how to control my temper around a temporarily insane person. Around a child who is transitioning into adult hood. Please don't let them come today. Give me another chance, I deserve it for no other reason then.. she's a teenager. And no parent (that I know of) gets through this completely intact and calm.

Update and nerves

Ok so in JULY we do the big social thing again, PLUS I'm meeting some people I deeply admire and am starting to like. My rules for myself in this next big social situation: Have caffeine before hand so the ADHD doesn't get out of hand. Avoid the alcohol so my flirting doesn't cross the line of friendly to creepy. I will NOT fall the the Great madam Puffs feet screaming "I'm not worthy!" (more then once..) I will NOT make lewd suggestions unless it's obvious to ALL parties involved that a: I'm joking and B: they started it. And really I should at least TRY to avoid this all together. I will bring goodies. I won't buy drinks for pretty young men. It's tempting more then three fates.

Yes some of this is stuff I SHOULD already know. Perhaps though writing it down will make it stick when I'm surrounded by happy excited people. Apparently happy folk? Being around them makes me into a spazz-tard.

5 hour energy drink

Ok I haven't tried this yet. I have my reasons. Apparently- these tiny little bottles entice me to get ranty and a little insane.

As your "average" housewife 5 hours of energy seems excessive. I don't need or really want 5 WHOLE hours of energy. Really 2 and half, or one hour of energy would be preferred. Sure 5 hours of energy is great if you're an office drone. Or a steel worker. A barista already has all the caffeine fueled energy she/he needs (ever notice how spazzy and excited they usually seem?)

But what housewife wants or nees five WHOLE hours of energy. What if I wanted a nap for crying out loud?

What if this product really gave me five solid hours of energy?!?! WHAT the fuck!? Now I have no excuse for my lazing about I'd HAVE to fold all the laundry and do ALL the dishes. I mean seriously? Do I want to invest in five whole hours of buzz just so I can clean? Screw that. I'd rather get a nice painkiller or vodka buzz and slowly meditatively fold the laundry. If I had FIVE hours of energy it's more likely I spend it shopping and neither my credit line or my husband would appreciate that.

Why so shy?

I'm trying to be social. This is difficult for me. Not that I suffer anxiety, though of course I'm nervous around people. Not that I don't know how to talk to people, in fact I can talk quite well.

Nope it's boiled down to something very simple. I have this ability to just SHOVE my foot right in my mouth. Hanging out with two folks from an online forum the other weekend.

I talked too much. I flirted. I tried very hard not to go overboard but they were both so new. I don't think I made a horrible impression. I KNOW I'm over thinking things. I would be pleased as punch to meet either one of these folks again. AND we're planning on putting MORE people together to meet again In July, then the great big Vape Fest in August. How lovely, right? So why am I still obsessing over saying this or that? Over acting like a flake?

Part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been OUT in almost a year. Most of it hinges on something else. Something I'm not even sure I'm cool with talking about. Talking= admitting and I'd rather not.

As it is obsessing, obsessing is bad. I need to quit. I need to quit re-playing conversations and analyzing thins I said and did. Sure I'd change a few stray comments would that I could.

Gosh darnit. I was hoping confessing here would help. I was hoping it'd bleed the frustration out. But there's more to admit and I think I need to think on that too. Figure out why THAT is bugging me so damn much. That one little other thing.

cheese and crackers for my husband

Cheddar cheese, brie, and parmesan. A scattering of ritz crackers. A triscuit or two.

A wish for something more. A noble big dream. I imagine a checkered table cloth. I imagine a matched set of wine glasses filled with sparkling cider or Earl gray tea, weakened with half and half. Set topsy turvy on an up turned apple box. A sprinkling of lavender petals, rose petals, a daisy or two in a vase made from an empty beer bottle. We sit, hand in hand. Contemplating the sunset, the grass, the smell of summer dew.

I wish you were here with me, today on your birthday. I wish this every day but a lot today. Sitting with our picnic in the sun. I miss you baby. Happy 30th birthday.

Illicit fantasy (the CRUSH)

There are fantasies that are "allowable" The ones where you can quietly (or not so quietly) Lust after a movie/T.V. star and not really feel guilty. Those are the not obtainable fantasies.

I'm talking the ones you'd only admit to if you were having trouble going to sleep and talking to the internets. I love you internet.

I get crushes. I get them often. They're gentle sweet, mostly innocent things. I meet some very interesting people and apparently I can't just like them. NO! not me. I start noticing the shape of the mouth. Wonder about the texture of skin. It sounds all creepy stalker. But this is really just me sharing the kind of things MOST people can't/don't/know better then to share.

I would never act on these odder darker instincts. I know it's my odd introvert nature that triggers it. Having anyone show even a moments worth of interest in me immediately triggers it if that person is even moderately attractive (and some of the people I know are FAR more then moderately attractive) and having them be amazingly cool? That'll make it worse.

I STILL harbor a small giddy fan girl crush on Alasdair Stuart (An amazingly cool podcast (Psudopod- it's in the links) host/e-mag editor..etc) based around his voice, and his amazing brain. I want to sit and listen to him talk. Making interested umm hum noises even when I have no CLUE what the man's going on about. This isn't a sexual crush, not really. No it's worse. It's that kind of crush that develops when you first notice someone interesting/cool/amazing. His voice caught me first. The octave, rise and fall, and of course the accent. Then there's that nimble agile brain. I can't quite describe my reaction to people like him. It's .. complicated.

Then there are the girls. I am constantly developing girl crushes. These are just as bad. I have a VERY hard time relating to women. So generally when I DO find a woman I can relate to at all I start noticing how hot she is too. Seriously- is it like this for men too or am I just some kind of skeevy bi perv?

I dunno. I just noticed how I was hanging on every word of a blogger I follow (A very smart pretty lady) and realized my for play girl crush had developed into a full blown OMG her eyes look great in THAT picture crush. I am a sad.sad. weird girl.

I think it's time for me to examine the root of all these crushes. It COULD have something to do with hubs being away and me going through my sexual peak- but I have a feeling it's probably deeper then that. Time to break out the psych books.

Being me

It's not easy being .. red.

I get the stink eye, positive/negative comments, compliments, and my new favorite an "at your age". That's right kiddos. I Got told that I was being ballsy with my hair color, "for someone (my) age" Fuuuuuu...

Ok first off? How is vibrant red, that almost exists in nature THAT weird? It suits me. It looks amazing on me. No, I'm NOT a natural redhead. I was born strawberry blonde. It changed and as soon as I was allowed to start changing it I DID. Now in my thirties I LOVE being a redhead.

The last 4 years have been quite an experience for me. I'm more attractive now then I ever have been in my adult life. My skin is crinkled at the corners, and bags in some places. I have to wear glasses to see without migraines. My clothing is eccentric and odd. I'm still at my most comfortable with myself. It's like I've at last found out WHO I am. I'm strong, fragile, weak, soft, sweet, tough, and sexy. It's amazing. I wish I'd have gotten to know myself sooner in my path of life, but I'm so happy I have at all.

I'm still growing and changing, and wow!

But seriously. How is Red that weird? At my age...

At my age I've found my awesome. I hope you know how awesome YOU are, dear reader.

..and I can whine if I want to.

Tomorrow's my birthday. Instead of prepping and planning and getting things ready I'm digging in my heels and whining and whimpering and accomplishing nothing at all. I had decided to clean today, set it on the calendar and made a list. I so far have accomplished the tidying of one crochet box and some very minor tidying. I am aware that getting older, at this point of my life just isn't a big deal. I'm partying tomorrow for my girls, to show them that we CAN enjoy ourselves while daddy's not here. But it's a sham.

To be honest I'm overwhelmed. There's so much I need to do, to have had done, and I'm, once again, ass deep in alligators. My Arizona registration is overdue and there's a small mountain of paperwork and time in between me having it renewed. My daughters passport is in need of a signature from the bio-dad. I'm not sure he'll come through. A LOT hinges on him (for the first time in her life) doing what he says he'll do. I can't even bug him in person, there being quite a few states and miles between us. One thing I'm truly grateful for IS the distance between us. It makes things easier for all involved. But, paperwork is a bitch. I need paperwork filled out yesterday and I have to wait a week to find out if he'll do it. Can I trust him this time? I'm going to have to.

I don't want to get older and wiser, I'm old enough. Since the other option is death I accept age, but I don't have to like it. 34 is a number I can't turn my back on. It's far enough past 30 that it makes me an honest to goodness 30something. Not middle aged, but "soccer mom" or whatever. I dun wanna! White picket fence, 2 1/2 kids, a dog and a mini van were never part of the American dream. I love my kids, I love my roving semi-gypsy life, I (don't really) love my mid-size Toyota painted (librarian) silver. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, my education re-starts soon. More classes toward getting the kind of job that will not only support my husband and myself past his retirement but provide me with something fulfilling. A way of helping. A way of healing. I always wanted to provide counsel an solace. LAughter therapy and counseling are the goal. I'm curious how I'll get there.

I'm going to go attempt, for the third time today, to accomplish a smaller easier goal. Cleaning so I can have fun tomorrow and not feel guilty about it. Wish me luck.

as promised

The teaser pictures. NONE of these were in my submission. I had a hard time choosing which ones to submit. My daughter is quite talented with a camera and took all these pictures.

Photos

So madam Puff, over at vape with puff (see my links) is doing a photo contest. My handy dandy camera girl (aka eldest daughter) has been taking non stop pictures of me in many locations. I'm thinking about adding one or two more to the collections. I'm doing three entries (the max allowed) each more thematic then string of first second third. The themes are: 1. Playing with vape. 2. Vapor art. And 3. Vaping everywhere. It's the third one I'm struggling with. I'd love to do a shot outside my favorite coffee place, but it's been blustery this week. I'm also going to the farmers market tomorrow, and that seems like an opportunity not to be passed up. SO! Wish me and my handy dandy little e-cig luck as I find locations that please me and have my camera girl try to find shots and angles that DON'T make m look tired or half dead. I'll post the collections here after the contest is over (No I don't know when that is) but I may post a few teaser pictures. There's one shot in particular that's just mind bogglingly beautiful.

My super power.

I have one super power. It's one I picked up somewhere along the way of military mom land and difficult 6+ year old world. I can Holler. I can yell "attention" at a level and decibel that not only makes my children snap to but will turn heads and literally stop people in their tracks. I would have become a drill Sargent except the going to boot camp bit cramps my style and I'm totally lazy. I like yelling. Like all good super powers I use mine sparingly. I dole it out in small measured doses (Disneyland the preteen wandered a bit too far in the crowd and was on the verge of being "lost" I stopped traffic for three heart beats) and I do not use it for evil. There have been many times I've been tempted, at a park or playground when my girls were dithering to use it. I did not. They were coming, just slowly.

Is it odd that I'm strangely proud of my holler? Is it odd that I consider it a super power? I know it must be. I've seen many a mother struggling with a wine or a whimper. I've seen women trying to yell and just bitching instead. My one word command will catch the ear of not just my children but anyone in range, and seems to work especially WELL on children.

Anyway. Blog fodder in the idea, the realization. I don't think I'm the best mom. I KNOW I'm at least a good one because my children are turning out very well and I must have at least some small influence in that.

April

I'm planning on adding something here soon. Just filling in a bit. Ian is back in Korea. Kentucky is breathtakingly gorgous weatherwise and I have a new macbook, so no excuse not to blog more.

I am/was teh geek

Welp. Hubs is home for his visit. And so, since I'll be blogging ver ver little I will instead give you sad humilating pictures of meself! FUN!

Let's start young and work up. K?

Rope swing. Made of rope. awesome rolled pants and a juice stain on my shirt. I was a winner

.

This haircut? Made possible by being left alone for all of a few seconds with a sissors. According to mom it was the day right before this picture too. I alos loved those brown mary janes more then life.

Then I went through a cute phase. I'll spare you THOSE pictures. Who want to look at CUTE pictures?

Then puberty happned. My nose became so large for my face my mom got me a cat. She figured at least something would love me , my buck teeth and my unfortunate odd shape.

And then the dreaded teenage years. Seriously. I was so sexah.

good morning

The sun rose this morning.

I know it rises every morning. That's what it's supposed to do. For the first time in what seems forever I NOTICED it had risen. With the short winter days there were mornings I was accompanying my younger daughter to her bus stop in pitch black. This morning was pink. The sky turned sixteen different colors of mother of pearl. There was a glow, a gorgous glorious glow.

Spring may still be a little ways off, but I've found hope. Hope for this moment, in this day. Knowing the sun is going to rise.
It's going to be okay.

OMG

OMG rant! WARNING! Ranty! WELL! IRS issued us our tax return. And that'd be great if I could actually deposit the fucking check! It goes over our online deposit total (by a few hundred dollars) SO I have to WAIT for them to send me deposit envelopes. Then I have to wait for them to GET the deposit I send them all before Ian can buy his ticket, either wait until they get it, or until payday. This sucks, it means our little visit will be cut into a shorter bite- 3 weeks. 2-3 instead of 4. As if it isn't going to be hard enough. Can't cash the check- it has both our names on it. and we only have an account with USAA.

Fuck.

Vaping > smoking

I vape. I gave up smoking "regular" tar based cigs to vape on electronic ciggarettes. I've tried more times then I can count to kick the tar habit. These little things are doing it for me. I'm proud to have kicked tar and still have something I inhale and exhale. Vapor produced by ecigs comes from glycerin. It's gorgeous, and doesn't gunk up my lungs. It's also very pretty to look at. I'm posting some pictures as an example.

This photo shoot was inspired by the Great Puffy over at Vape with puff. She's in my link area over there <~~~

Tooth fairy

She has three loose teeth! THREE! The tooth fairy needs to start putting $$ aside for all these teeth the youngest miss is getting set to loose. I have no idea how she'll chew her food!

Kitty

This is elder daughters true love. His name is Pablo. He's part tabby, part Maine coon, all big spoiled baby.

This cat will allow you to torment him for hours, scratch his tummy, pet him backward, and will eat just about anything. He's a "healthy" 18 pounds and roughly 3 years old. This is a good kitteh.

This said. If he wakes me up at midnight practicing for the opera again I may freak out. Must remember. This is my daughters baby.

Snow..more

I should be sleeping. I should rest and relax. My ADD is giving me anxiety. Trying so hard to get things done accomplishes nothing. Need to clean, want to write. I'm not strong against my stupid brain. Depression, anxiety, lonliness.

Switching over to ecigs has been easy enough, but I wish I could get everything else together this easy. No, instead everything is a queasy crazy mess. My weight is all over the place, I'm over my healthy BMI weight, just a touch, but there it is. Motivation is a lost art, not that it's ever been easy. I dislike this seasonal affective thing, or cabin feaver, or hard transition THING. Call it what you will I dislike it very muchly.

I feel vapid, almost empty of thought. I am a woman who lives almost exclusivly in her head, so to have an empty head? frightening! I think, no thought, deep wonderous thoughts. Now? Very very little. Make THIS moment pass faster. Make THIS day go past. Make THIS time a little less lonely by distracting my flutterfly mind with something anything other then the ultimate fact that I'm not good alone.

Not good by myself. Not that I'm alone. They fill up the quiet spaces, certainly with their clutter and their noise. The love I have for these two amazing girls is deep and amazing, and it nourishes me enough, a little, and sadly sometimes not at all.

I'll admit to being selfish. I am. I'm prone to throwing a tantrum and waving my impotent little fists at the sky when I don't get what I want. Right now I want an equil measure of two very important things. WARM sunshine in the out of doors and my beloved in my bed, in my arms. I don't have these things. Que mini tantrum.

One, the other, and/or both I'll get. Soon. soon. soon.

I can't hear you over how awesome I am

Skimming other blogs I was reminded of the last time I went out. Last year, before we left AZ, I talked my poor darling husband into getting dressed up with me and going out. His idea of dressed up is a suit, or something "nice". Now, I have no issue with nice. But with all the formal, or semi formal A.F stuff, my idea of getting dressed up involves corsets.. or short skirts. By goodness that particular skirt was very nearly a belt. The boots were also sexah- can't see them in the shot but you'll take my word for it. They were hot.

And we went out looking for a goth club. Apparently the only goth club in Tucson was closed. SO! We went somewhere else. I was surrounded by girls in Little black dresses, guys in blazers BLAZERS for crimminy!. And you know what? I did not care. I looked so damn hot I was turning heads. I got propositioned a lot that night, I danced like I was dancing for the last time in my life. As a mom of two girls, one of which is following me in my corsetted big booted footsteps, I may well have been!!

I wanna go out again. I LOVE to dance. I love to feel free and gorgous. I don't even drink much. Mostly I just dance and grin like crazy.

And by giddy goodness I look hot dressed up.