Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Why so shy?

I'm trying to be social. This is difficult for me. Not that I suffer anxiety, though of course I'm nervous around people. Not that I don't know how to talk to people, in fact I can talk quite well.
Nope it's boiled down to something very simple. I have this ability to just SHOVE my foot right in my mouth. Hanging out with two folks from an online forum the other weekend.
I talked too much. I flirted. I tried very hard not to go overboard but they were both so new. I don't think I made a horrible impression. I KNOW I'm over thinking things. I would be pleased as punch to meet either one of these folks again. AND we're planning on putting MORE people together to meet again In July, then the great big Vape Fest in August. How lovely, right? So why am I still obsessing over saying this or that? Over acting like a flake?
Part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been OUT in almost a year. Most of it hinges on something else. Something I'm not even sure I'm cool with talking about. Talking= admitting and I'd rather not.
As it is obsessing, obsessing is bad. I need to quit. I need to quit re-playing conversations and analyzing thins I said and did. Sure I'd change a few stray comments would that I could.

Gosh darnit. I was hoping confessing here would help. I was hoping it'd bleed the frustration out. But there's more to admit and I think I need to think on that too. Figure out why THAT is bugging me so damn much. That one little other thing.

1 comment:

  1. First, with what you said last, I don't think you 'confessed'. Reading this I expected you to say you said something that lead someone to think 'this' when all you were doing was speaking from your nerves. But you didn't.

    Second, I am going to guess that you have some insecurity that no one can 'secure' for you. You are pretty and you are witty. If you don't think of yourself as an intellectual, you are 'smart enough'. Since you write well you have to speak well (which isn't to say you are well spoken... another topic), so if I dare to reach a conclusion, I'd say that you need to relax and let your personality come out.

    Maybe you over think, as I sometimes over-write! You prolly did fine and if there was any damage, it was incidental. The next meet up will let you know how your friendship will sprout up.

    I can't help but make friends. That is an ability that is overrated. It isn't that anyone is my 'friend' as much as I make people comfortable within their own skin.