Monday, August 2, 2010

I want my mommy!

Jesus fucking christ.

SEE?! This is why I don't bother with other people.
As if my shit weren't complicated enough...
Now I'm once again struggling to find people to hang out with. Just because my "friend" doesn't want to hang out with me while he's dating his girl. (And I get it, okay? But it STILL FUCKING SUCKS!)

What. The. Fuck. Ever.

AND! Ian is stressing. Paperwork is running behind. I'm trying, ok? I'm on this like white on rice, but it can only get done at the rate of doctors appointments allow.

I'm stressed too.
I'm lonely too.
I'm sorry he's upset and stressed and strained and that I can't give him the fucking hug he needs. I don't know if it's better or worse when he calls me when he's in these moods. Especially since I'm in one of those moods too. I am not much help like this.

I'm trying.. trying so hard to keep my outlet for stress open. But I'm abandoned all over again. My skin, my soul aching for simple human touch.

And I'm thisclose to just calling my mom and crying. Like she can help. *Sigh*

I know he's not going to be home this month.
It's breaking my heart. And I don't know what to do. I'm .. I'm lost.

Flailing my limp useless fists into the winds and wishing, Just when I needed someone the most..

I'm sorry.

I wish my shit didn't suck so much that I needed somewhere to let it out. I'm sorry you, poor gentle reader are here "listening" to me whine. I have an appointment with my councler tomorrow. She'll probably be delighted to see me let down my walls of laughter and absent minded dismissal. I've been open and honest with her, but this has been a long time coming.

I'm ugly when I cry. Damn it. And this much crying in one month is ridiculous. I need help.

1 comment:

  1. If I had the words to take your mind off your loneliness...

    One of the things about this summer as far as the weather goes, is that it has seemed to contrast with the winter I experienced almost completely in sync, or so it seems. It has been as hot as it was cold this past winter. I hope that it will be mild for my first winter in Nebraska!!

    You are aware I am deliberately talking about 'nothing', right? Even though I used to LOVE the show 'Seinfeld' and could OD on the reruns, I don't think I should be telling you the things that you already seem to know and have been trying to tell yourself already.

    Teenage boys talking trash... I vaguely remember sitting around talking about nerdling things. Anywho... be well!!