Monday, August 30, 2010

30 days of letters, day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Hey sweetie.

You knew you'd be getting one of these. You'll probably get more letters as this experiment continues. I miss you. I miss you so much every day. There are moments where I'm okay. Where I am dealing as best I can with the world. Where for a whole breath, for a whole heartbeat I am perfectly allright. Where I can cope in this moment without you. And then the ache in my heart opens. Then my stomach drops, then I exhale. And I miss you all over again. I'm just barely handling the world on my own. I'm just barely dealing with each day as it comes. I'm trying so hard not to feel like you have abandoned me.

I know I'm more important then your job.
I know you're mine.
And yet I don't truly believe it. You belong to them first. You always will. You belong to your job, to your world. If you were truly mine you'd try harder. I just know it. But I lso know that's a "feeling" and not reality.

I CAN NOT do this on my own. I'm having a hard enough time taking care of our children. Of my self. Of my sanity. I can't take care of you right now. You're too damn far away.

And what's more, I shouldn't have to.

ALSO! These things I'm asking for aren't so extreme. Your fear will push me further into it, not away. You should know this. Please join me. Please take my hand. Let's travel the path of life together. Don't leave me alone, in the dark.

I love you babe.


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