Monday, July 26, 2010


Oh god.

I wish..
I want..
I need..

Fuck. Need to find a less public outlet for this mess! Someone guide me!? I'm lost, too now. Helping isn't helping. Everything suddenly stopped making sense and I .. I liked it just fine the way it was. Why the drama?

Drama is so stupid!

I want to help..
I can't.
I want to...
And there's nothing I can do.

I miss my hubby. I'm stressed.
The paperwork has me in over my head.. Appointments, and signing, and figuring out how stuff works.

I want to cry.. To be held and told it'll all be better. To be pulled into someones arms and pet and loved for a few minutes. I've found temporary alternatives. Ways to let out the hurt a little. Ways to ease the ache.
But today.. my empathic/nurturing whatever self has me all aching. missing.. wishing. And not making a lick of sense because there's NOONE I can talk to about all of it.

The whole kit and caboodle.

1 comment:

  1. Girlfriend (it is okay that I call you 'girlfriend, right??), move OVER! I feel as mixed up about so many things right now and it is difficult to know what is the right thing to do.

    Part of my reasoning for keeping an online journal is the 'connection' that comes with having 'told' someone, even if I will never see them or know them any more personally as I do know. I mean, I know that we have no idea if we are these wonderful people we assert ourselves to be and that is cool. Why it is cool is that all we have to be is the person that we think we are to ourselves. That is it.

    The ionline journal helps fight lonliness and boredom. It also helps in the making an idea more real and concrete. I know that if I wasn't running and lifting weights as I claim, or if the different twists that my life is taking according to my journal were just a plea for attention, then the only person to have suffered from it is me. But since it isn't a joke, and the advice given is taken and considered, and I know I am feeling better for it.

    There are studies that show children do better reading to someone, anything really, as long as it is alive. Same with making declarations in your journal about change. The knowledge that other people will look forward to you eventually posting of the follow up to the PROMISE YOU MADE TO YOURSELF.

    I am sure that there are plenty of people out here that are simply doing this for the attention and the make believe sense of importance that they derive from blogging. Who cares about them! What I do know is that I care about you and there is no judgement. From being a young and confused soldier to being an old and confused guy with CBTI, I do feel that I get more out of keeping an online journal than I contribute in reading and commenting!!

    I do know I recall what life was like to young people seperated by duty because I lived that life. Not as a married person and not on the civlian side, but I do know what I saw and what other folks went through. That is part of our connection and I do think that I have an understanding of where your feelings come from.

    That means you aren't out there banging your keys without resonance. There are a few truly lonely people in situations that resemble yours. But as long as you post, I will read and you won't be alone, if I can help it.

    Not trying to replace anyone or tell you that this is 'gooder' than anything. I want you to know that no matter what you aren't alone and that one day, this will be but a memory to put behind you and you will have a that soldier back in your arms and y'all will have a family to care for. Done wrote a lot so if I don't 'speak' as much on following entries, should you post, don't be surprised!!