..and I can whine if I want to.

Tomorrow's my birthday. Instead of prepping and planning and getting things ready I'm digging in my heels and whining and whimpering and accomplishing nothing at all. I had decided to clean today, set it on the calendar and made a list. I so far have accomplished the tidying of one crochet box and some very minor tidying. I am aware that getting older, at this point of my life just isn't a big deal. I'm partying tomorrow for my girls, to show them that we CAN enjoy ourselves while daddy's not here. But it's a sham.

To be honest I'm overwhelmed. There's so much I need to do, to have had done, and I'm, once again, ass deep in alligators. My Arizona registration is overdue and there's a small mountain of paperwork and time in between me having it renewed. My daughters passport is in need of a signature from the bio-dad. I'm not sure he'll come through. A LOT hinges on him (for the first time in her life) doing what he says he'll do. I can't even bug him in person, there being quite a few states and miles between us. One thing I'm truly grateful for IS the distance between us. It makes things easier for all involved. But, paperwork is a bitch. I need paperwork filled out yesterday and I have to wait a week to find out if he'll do it. Can I trust him this time? I'm going to have to.

I don't want to get older and wiser, I'm old enough. Since the other option is death I accept age, but I don't have to like it. 34 is a number I can't turn my back on. It's far enough past 30 that it makes me an honest to goodness 30something. Not middle aged, but "soccer mom" or whatever. I dun wanna! White picket fence, 2 1/2 kids, a dog and a mini van were never part of the American dream. I love my kids, I love my roving semi-gypsy life, I (don't really) love my mid-size Toyota painted (librarian) silver. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, my education re-starts soon. More classes toward getting the kind of job that will not only support my husband and myself past his retirement but provide me with something fulfilling. A way of helping. A way of healing. I always wanted to provide counsel an solace. LAughter therapy and counseling are the goal. I'm curious how I'll get there.

I'm going to go attempt, for the third time today, to accomplish a smaller easier goal. Cleaning so I can have fun tomorrow and not feel guilty about it. Wish me luck.