Failure

I am and she is.

My kid is a failure. Her teachers gave her a D minuses. Which, is passing I am aware. But not really. Her reaction? "At least I passed" And not in relief, but in her new and exciting "entitled" voice. She's entitled to that (barely) passing grade. She "needs" her hair colored a new color every other week. She "needs" new this new that. I don't have the $$ to give her much of an allowance or buy her many of these things she "needs". I try, because self expression is important.

The girl is only 13, almost 14. I don't know if we'll survive her teenage years without one of us exploding. I hit her today. I slapped her across the face. And believe me when I say I feel dirty and guilty and wrong. My temper got out of control and she wouldn't stop. She wouldn't stop. I should know better. I'm the adult here. I'm the one who has to decide to stop the argument. I'm the one who has to choose to quit before things escalate into ugliness.

I'm not shocked that I feel so much about her. She's MY girl. Mine and mine alone. The only truly good thing that came from a very unhappy marriage is this child. The only thing that makes me proud and sad and strong is knowing (when she's good) that I am raising this amazing young lady.

And then we have days like this. Where I wonder if I'm raising a future criminal or prostitute. When she wears the type of clothing that I don't deem acceptable for leaving the house in (And I allow quite a bit of artistic clothing choices) and SHE throws a fit. 'Cause looking like a homeless person in 6 layers of clothing on a hot humid day, then sweating and smelling like a pig is, apparently EXACTLY what she wanted to do ..mooooom. And I' such a Bitch and soooo mean for "MAKING" her change. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk my life.

And I'm scared. I'm scared that today she'll tell someone I hit her. And They'd take her away. They'd take the joy the light the happiness over one bad decision. Over one unthought through moment. Would I deserve it? Do I deserve to be a parent. A good percent of the time I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. And I'm going this mostly alone. I'm far away from my family, my husband is a million miles away. I don't know what I'm doing! But They're MINE. These children are mine. I love them like noone else does. And so it's back to reading up on how to control my temper around a temporarily insane person. Around a child who is transitioning into adult hood. Please don't let them come today. Give me another chance, I deserve it for no other reason then.. she's a teenager. And no parent (that I know of) gets through this completely intact and calm.