He told me this. Out of the blue. And, oh gods, oh yee gods.
I don't know if I needed to know this. Too much information for someone who is basically going through a mid-life crisis, seven year itch, change of perspective, change of life.. thing.
I'm not going. Unless he tells me that he's through. Not yet.. This needs time. This needs sorting. We need to give ourselves a chance. We've changed. We've grown APART as individuals. While I CAN imagine life without him, as I live it often enough, I don't enjoy it. I don't like it.
For one: Where would I go? For two what would I do?
I have a teenage daughter who WOULD stay with me, but our younger daughter is ours together. She'd be torn. I'd be shredding a family to pieces. For selfish whim. When we work.. mostly.
Every time I examine the problem I find new issues. I'm going to school on student grants and scholarships. My work abilities are almost purely retail, which doesn't pay well and this is a CRAP time to be looking for a job anywhere.
My girls need a stable home.
Well fuck my needs. They don't come first. Not right now.
And he needs me. He isolates himself from people. Puts up a barrier that I pull down for him. I give him strength, food, support, adoration, and much much more. I provide a stability and a chaos that is lacking in his world.
He would be worse without me.
Fuck. And I'm sick today... probably from the stress of this stupid announcement. My love, he gives me drama, at least. If not spankings or scenes, or fetish-able moments he gives me something to gnaw on with my crazed little mind.