Thursday, September 16, 2010

frenzy of over thinking

The weight of the wait.

It is overwhelming. Literally, utterly, completely overwhelming. It has been .. too long since I last was able to physically touch my husband. He was supposed to be home by now. It's been 14 months since he left for Korea, more then 5 months since I got to spend time with him.

I have defiantly learned some things. I Will never again live far from a military base while we're married. I need the community, I need the connection. This deployment was doubly difficult due to me not being able to have access to the doctors/dentists/paperwork people I'm used to dealing with. They may be a bit of a bore, but they're better then nothing. I also miss the "spouse" community. The family activities and the resources I had available.

I've learned that I suck alone, but I already knew that. I did find that I LOVE having 4 full seasons. I hated being stuck inside in the winter, but the beauty of spring, summer, and fall more then made up for that brief span of suck. Now that I know what to expect, I can combat the onset of "S.A.D." better.

I'm tired of us having to jump through hoops. He's SUBMITTED everything. We need word. We need to have him out of Korea before October, hell before Fall. It's enough.

I don't know who to contact. I don't know who to call. I'm fed up and tired. I'm sick. I'm depressed.

And what's the worst? I'm lonely. I've made friends. But I'm love sick. I'm heart sick. I don't feel loved or valued. I don't feel physically adored by the man I have committed to spend my life with. I was able to quash this feeling, for the most part. Then "The incident" happened, and he lost my trust.

And from that point my direction got skewed. I forgave him, especially since he doesn't remember what he did, only that a VERY large sum of money was spent getting himself and his buddy epically drunk. In a juicy bar. I suspect more, but have no proof aside from weeks of absolute guilty silence before his BUDDY called me to apologize on his behalf.

It was a while back, before his mid tour. And everything seemed to go back to normal. Alcohol now makes him sick. (guilt?)
He doesn't socialize as much anymore. In part because his friends have already left. And he's stuck behind. Blaming me for being slow with papers, blaming the air force for doing a suck job, being angry at everything he does. There's not much I can do for him right now other then wait.

Wait as I'm slowly being crushed under the weight of the wait.

He says he doesn't think he'll want to share me with people when he gets home. Umm?

I don't mind him wanting my attention. My affection, my time. But he's CHOSEN to cut himself off from others. I've chosen to be more social. My friends are valuable to me, and I'm going to be saying goodbye to them soon. I don't WANT to go back to us not having any friends other then each other. Other then the people he meets through work, and the moms I meet through the girls schools. There are adults we could be friends with. Why does he want to be introverts? It's awful and boring.

I've expressed an interest in us going out on dates now that the girls are old enough to be left for a bit. HE acts disinterested. He's changed so much in the last few months. He's NEVER been very social, but he was always up for an occasional night out. And I've changed a lot too. I've really started to enjoy my life outside the home. The parts of the world I'd denied myself because it seemed selfish. Now I'm okay giving myself a little "me" time.

I'm scared. I know that any day now we'll get orders. But there's no obvious end in sight. I just want my husband back. I can't stand another few months without him. I can't go another cold winter alone. It's time. Please.. someone tell me it's time.

Tell me I can get out from under the weight of the wait.

1 comment:

  1. Man..! You really felt like pouring your heart out... I am glad that I caught this, though.

    A lot of this stuff I will only be a 'ear' for, because I don't want to mess up and make anything seem different from your own expectations. Do know what the wait for orders are like... ugh!

    Uh, try to 'be there' when y'all are together. It is going to take a few months for the both of you to get into a 'normal' state. Besides, you are going to go to a new place and all the 'friends' you have now will be behind you as well.

    Hey, at least y'all are short!!