Being me

It's not easy being .. red.

I get the stink eye, positive/negative comments, compliments, and my new favorite an "at your age". That's right kiddos. I Got told that I was being ballsy with my hair color, "for someone (my) age" Fuuuuuu...

Ok first off? How is vibrant red, that almost exists in nature THAT weird? It suits me. It looks amazing on me. No, I'm NOT a natural redhead. I was born strawberry blonde. It changed and as soon as I was allowed to start changing it I DID. Now in my thirties I LOVE being a redhead.

The last 4 years have been quite an experience for me. I'm more attractive now then I ever have been in my adult life. My skin is crinkled at the corners, and bags in some places. I have to wear glasses to see without migraines. My clothing is eccentric and odd. I'm still at my most comfortable with myself. It's like I've at last found out WHO I am. I'm strong, fragile, weak, soft, sweet, tough, and sexy. It's amazing. I wish I'd have gotten to know myself sooner in my path of life, but I'm so happy I have at all.

I'm still growing and changing, and wow!

But seriously. How is Red that weird? At my age...

At my age I've found my awesome. I hope you know how awesome YOU are, dear reader.

..and I can whine if I want to.

Tomorrow's my birthday. Instead of prepping and planning and getting things ready I'm digging in my heels and whining and whimpering and accomplishing nothing at all. I had decided to clean today, set it on the calendar and made a list. I so far have accomplished the tidying of one crochet box and some very minor tidying. I am aware that getting older, at this point of my life just isn't a big deal. I'm partying tomorrow for my girls, to show them that we CAN enjoy ourselves while daddy's not here. But it's a sham.

To be honest I'm overwhelmed. There's so much I need to do, to have had done, and I'm, once again, ass deep in alligators. My Arizona registration is overdue and there's a small mountain of paperwork and time in between me having it renewed. My daughters passport is in need of a signature from the bio-dad. I'm not sure he'll come through. A LOT hinges on him (for the first time in her life) doing what he says he'll do. I can't even bug him in person, there being quite a few states and miles between us. One thing I'm truly grateful for IS the distance between us. It makes things easier for all involved. But, paperwork is a bitch. I need paperwork filled out yesterday and I have to wait a week to find out if he'll do it. Can I trust him this time? I'm going to have to.

I don't want to get older and wiser, I'm old enough. Since the other option is death I accept age, but I don't have to like it. 34 is a number I can't turn my back on. It's far enough past 30 that it makes me an honest to goodness 30something. Not middle aged, but "soccer mom" or whatever. I dun wanna! White picket fence, 2 1/2 kids, a dog and a mini van were never part of the American dream. I love my kids, I love my roving semi-gypsy life, I (don't really) love my mid-size Toyota painted (librarian) silver. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, my education re-starts soon. More classes toward getting the kind of job that will not only support my husband and myself past his retirement but provide me with something fulfilling. A way of helping. A way of healing. I always wanted to provide counsel an solace. LAughter therapy and counseling are the goal. I'm curious how I'll get there.

I'm going to go attempt, for the third time today, to accomplish a smaller easier goal. Cleaning so I can have fun tomorrow and not feel guilty about it. Wish me luck.

as promised

The teaser pictures. NONE of these were in my submission. I had a hard time choosing which ones to submit. My daughter is quite talented with a camera and took all these pictures.

Photos

So madam Puff, over at vape with puff (see my links) is doing a photo contest. My handy dandy camera girl (aka eldest daughter) has been taking non stop pictures of me in many locations. I'm thinking about adding one or two more to the collections. I'm doing three entries (the max allowed) each more thematic then string of first second third. The themes are: 1. Playing with vape. 2. Vapor art. And 3. Vaping everywhere. It's the third one I'm struggling with. I'd love to do a shot outside my favorite coffee place, but it's been blustery this week. I'm also going to the farmers market tomorrow, and that seems like an opportunity not to be passed up. SO! Wish me and my handy dandy little e-cig luck as I find locations that please me and have my camera girl try to find shots and angles that DON'T make m look tired or half dead. I'll post the collections here after the contest is over (No I don't know when that is) but I may post a few teaser pictures. There's one shot in particular that's just mind bogglingly beautiful.

My super power.

I have one super power. It's one I picked up somewhere along the way of military mom land and difficult 6+ year old world. I can Holler. I can yell "attention" at a level and decibel that not only makes my children snap to but will turn heads and literally stop people in their tracks. I would have become a drill Sargent except the going to boot camp bit cramps my style and I'm totally lazy. I like yelling. Like all good super powers I use mine sparingly. I dole it out in small measured doses (Disneyland the preteen wandered a bit too far in the crowd and was on the verge of being "lost" I stopped traffic for three heart beats) and I do not use it for evil. There have been many times I've been tempted, at a park or playground when my girls were dithering to use it. I did not. They were coming, just slowly.

Is it odd that I'm strangely proud of my holler? Is it odd that I consider it a super power? I know it must be. I've seen many a mother struggling with a wine or a whimper. I've seen women trying to yell and just bitching instead. My one word command will catch the ear of not just my children but anyone in range, and seems to work especially WELL on children.

Anyway. Blog fodder in the idea, the realization. I don't think I'm the best mom. I KNOW I'm at least a good one because my children are turning out very well and I must have at least some small influence in that.

April

I'm planning on adding something here soon. Just filling in a bit. Ian is back in Korea. Kentucky is breathtakingly gorgous weatherwise and I have a new macbook, so no excuse not to blog more.