Friday, July 30, 2010

A li'l emo


So I got peirced. And, it's done in quite an obvious way. It'll look better once the swelling has gone down and I put the jewlery that *belongs* there in. But here's my feelings on the new stuff...

It seems a little weird.

But when she stuck the needle through my cheek I got a little wet.
Couldn't help it. The boost of endorphins... The knowledge that forever, I was marked. It may be a small thing. Not the tattoo I originally intended to commemorate my time in Kentucky, but this was a more pressing urge.

My heart has been full of ache my time here.

My grandmother died near Thanksgiving (on my Dads Birthday too, poor thing)
I found out all over again what it was to *want* to *need* and to feel left behind.

I needed tears. I am awful about crying. So...

For my slightly broken and aching heart... Especially now, after bad news to the double, I got holed.

I will cry stainless steel tears.

And the poke and push of needle through flesh.…

She helped me get there.

And it's a little weird. I got looked at sideways all day. The way I am sometimes when I get "done up" but even more so.

I'm not sure what to think about the reactions since.. personally *I* love them. My tears.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Magic friend!

I was allowed to cry last night.

I have manymanymany issues with crying. Letting down all the walls I put between the ache that leads to tears is *hard* for me.

I needed to cry so badly last night. And a friend helped ease me through it. I got held. Told it was okay, and comforted. My soul is slightly more at ease now. I am truly glad to have found a few worthwhile friends out here. I was so frightened that I'd never meet anyone who I'd be able to "hang out" with.

Even though I'm on a limited time budget I truly appreciate my friends here. I hope I've given as good as I've gotten. I hope I don't frighten them away with my *clingwrap* approach. I hope we can somehow manage to STAY friends.

Thank you, for the hug, the permission, and the companionship. I promise you it's not going to be forgotten.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Yet another whine

Yep! The upswing turned into an all out, fall out, full on downswing.

This is not my fault. I need to remember that before moving on in the writing because otherwise it's going to get worse before it gets better.
I'll probably end up having to go longer then August 20th without my beloved. He may be held over until his orders come through. And god knows how long that'll take.

That sucks and stinks and makes me so fucking sad..

I'm doing the doctor stuff today. And hopefully it'll go easy as cake and pie. Then all the paperwork gets sent out to him, he finishes it and it goes to Germany for approval.
BUT! We're running on borrowed time as it is. Germany can be slow.

He's pretty much told me that he's going to not be home August 20.

I'm so lonely,

Monday, July 26, 2010


Oh god.

I wish..
I want..
I need..

Fuck. Need to find a less public outlet for this mess! Someone guide me!? I'm lost, too now. Helping isn't helping. Everything suddenly stopped making sense and I .. I liked it just fine the way it was. Why the drama?

Drama is so stupid!

I want to help..
I can't.
I want to...
And there's nothing I can do.

I miss my hubby. I'm stressed.
The paperwork has me in over my head.. Appointments, and signing, and figuring out how stuff works.

I want to cry.. To be held and told it'll all be better. To be pulled into someones arms and pet and loved for a few minutes. I've found temporary alternatives. Ways to let out the hurt a little. Ways to ease the ache.
But today.. my empathic/nurturing whatever self has me all aching. missing.. wishing. And not making a lick of sense because there's NOONE I can talk to about all of it.

The whole kit and caboodle.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

The pest

I am trying so hard not to "Bug" my friends. I'm always so excited with the new buddies that I'm total cling wrap when I find them. I'm working today not to feel the wash of "need" I always seem to get after hanging out with good new people.

I've had a good new friend for a few weeks now, and it was like everyday we talked. Now suddenly HOURS (all most a full 24) since we talked. How pathetic is it that I'm feeling neglected? I know I'm replaceable, not by any means a unique and beautiful snowflake... and so I usually work extra hard with my friends to make sure I give them my attention, my time, bits of myself.
So when they suddenly get busy with their own lives I get all selfish and pouty. I *KNOW* this is not sound healthy thinking. Okay? But blog.. You're my vent. I can tell you my thoughts and not worry about it. I can let out this stuff and feel better. Bleeding the sickness out in words and thoughts so I don't send a bizillin needy fawning texts.

Because, honestly? I know it's just getting schedules in line. My friends like me. I KNOW they do.

So..why do I feel a little abandoned? Is it to do with certain words used in a "play" situation? Probably. A button was found and pushed and I doubt they even know how much it affected me.

"I can find another.."

Oh don't. Not yet.


Monday, July 19, 2010

O! Hai!

I didn't forget about you! Really I didn't! I've been especially busy with appointments, and paperwork, and best of all making friends. It's so nice having people to talk to that I don't just interact with on the computer in the relative safety and comfort of my living room.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


Still a little tired. Writing from My motel, didn't nearly get enough sleep. I've trained myself far too well to wake up with birdsong.

So. The decision has been made. I'm not JUST writing after my hiatus. I'm submitting again. No more "easy" stuff either. No.

I can get over this fear that the words I REALLY care about will be awful. My truly good stuff if TRULY good by gawd, and I'm not going to write cheap trash anymore.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

This weekend

I'm going to go be social again. Socializing seems to be working very well for me. I'm making short term friends. I'm VERY excited about meeting madam Puff.

Apparently though, the stress of setting up a baby sitter, booking a room, and all the other necessary stuff has negatively affected my sin. I have a fairly nice complexion. Not perfect by any means, but usually clear, clean, and fresh. I'll get hormonal break outs and stress break outs. I'm currently suffering a stress breakout. One HUGE mother of a pimple. Same spot I always seem to get it, on my cheek. It's huge and ugly and full of badness. I'm doing everything I can to get it to clear up, but it looks like I'll have to go meet new and exciting people with a zit.

I'm 34!! Pimples at my age are just annoying.

I can sorta cover it up, a light layer of makeup, not so much to cover the pimple itself but the ring of redness it stains my cheek with. This huge eyesore.

The last two weeks have been one small disaster after another, as if fate, destiny, whatever were trying as hard as possible to make this upcoming weekend a no go. I've walked through these with grace. Because sometimes? Sometimes things have GOT to be done.

I deserve a little me time. I DO feel a little guilty about it, but I deserve it. I've been VERY good for a VERY long time. I want to go, hang out with some cool people, have a drink, catch a cab to my motel, sleep it off, then say my goodbyes and go home.

*snap* Smile!

I'm getting set up to do a few pictures. The type that are for certain eyes only. I'm still very shy about this, but was inspired by the beautiful sex blogger Screaming Violet. If she can do this, I can as well.

I was also given a very wonderful view of some other inspiring muses. Again, this isn't something I'll share here. Not because I don't think my followers (all three of you) are mature adults, but mostly out of shyness.

I don't have this blog labeled adult. And though I'm not planning on flashing nip or pink.. I still feel that an intimate photograph is "adult" materiel.

Anyway. I'm sharing here to encourage myself to do it, to remind myself that I CAN do this. That I can be sensual and naughty and risque. I'm not going to let fear stop me.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


So music. Very important to setting the scene and feeling for my stories. I HAD a great connection to new music. But the shine wore off. So, now I need to find more. Music, connections, or shine. Wish I knew.

Readers who don't follow... please help a girl out. Followers.. Hook me up. I NEED music to get this going. Listening to the same stuff is a great start, but FRESH music is better. Nw and exciting. Please? Pretty please?