Thursday, March 31, 2011


Oh that but I could

express all I've seen and done.

I wish I had the right place the right words to write what I've experienced. What I want again and again and again. O if but every day could be as good as a few of those that I've had. Instead it's back to the every day. The wet. The cold. The quiet. Gripping tight with white knuckles the memories of yesterday. My best friend telling me I am precious. People wanting for my attention and my hugs. Being told I'm beautiful. Being wanted. Being..

I'm needed.
I'm necessary.


BUT! Oh but I have a job to do now. Ordering thread by the spool to make my coozies my favors. Not much income, but something something important I feel I can contribute. I'm content,at least in that. But I yearn and ache to re-capture to re-take. That which made me special.


<3 good bye beautiful.
Farewell excitement. Hello home. Hello every day. I remember you responsibility. I remember you Life. I recall.

but oh.
to be..
once more.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

how to be

I have two paths.
Two options.

And I'd too scared to fully go one or the other.


I wait. and see.

damn dream

It's Baaaack. I had shaken it for a while. Was free of it for the whole of my vacation. I don't remember if I dreamt at all. But I also barely slept for the span of 10 days. And it returns. With a strength that has it burned behind my eyelids and questioning myself all over again. Please. Don't judge me. I don't expect understanding. But please,don't judge me without knowing me enough to understand a bit better.

Anyway so I'm trying to string words together to best express my dream. It's accursedly hard. I feel I'll have to give it a few tries before I can write it well enough to banish it. And Banish I must.. if I don't want to tip the delicate card tower that is.. my world.


Back. Crook of arm. Deep even breathing from the warm form I nestle my self against. Tucked there I feel small, tiny, a treasure. A jewel. My exposed skin is not an embarrassment, just a way of absorbing the heat of .. them. In this moment, on this plane of reality. This place where I wish I could linger a bit longer. I feel no shame in my exposed self. In what may or may not have been. I am soothed. I am beloved. So,I press my skin to theirs. And I feel my conscious self, on the other end of the dream state, holding onto the man she choose. I wish her well. As I struggle. Just another moment. Here with my truer desires. My unexpressed.. my unknown unfound.. unbound. Un expressed. Repressed. Holding on. Skin to skin. Press my lips and nose close and inhale the skin of ..
and awaken.
Warm, but not as. NEEDED- in a way that one can feel against the teeth. So I soak in the need. Wrap myself in his arms. And try once again to convince myself that it was His skin. His scent. His warm comfort I felt in my dreams. Tomorrow night, like last I'll dream again. I know I will.
Convincing myself I'm not bad. Not Bad. Not Bad at all. Just lonely. Just neglected too much. Just not given..
what I find when I find myself sprawled against
a back. Crook of arm. Deep even breathing. Somewhere with someone warm who likes me like I am. Who doesn't want me to pretend to be..
no.. it's him.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


10 glorious days.

My feet hurt, my back is agony. I'm still lightheaded from the time change, the perspective change, and .. everything else.

I got to hang out with some truly amazing people the week leading up to vape fest. So much goodness. I cried saying goodbye to them. Then VapeFest.
That's where the awesomeness truly happened. I met so many people I've only met in chat rooms. I met people I'd only known from a few words on screen. I met people I've idolized. I was starstruck. I was flabbergasted. I was in HEAVEN! I got so many hugs and gave out each and every coozy I'd brought. I got to play an exciting scavenger hunt with team "Something Irreverent" and we won! I now am the proud owner of an Ego T! It's AWESOME!
I believe I've found my new vape juice supplier: Mike with RawrVapor who I've been twitter buddies with forever hooked me up with a few good juices. Each and every one is super nummy.

I've never been happier. I needed the time away. I needed the break. I needed the hugs and love I found. And being home relaxing and taking it all in is good too.

I already miss my vaping family. <3 <3 <3 Thank you all for a great weekend.