Friday, May 21, 2010

cheese and crackers for my husband

Cheddar cheese, brie, and parmesan. A scattering of ritz crackers. A triscuit or two.
A wish for something more. A noble big dream. I imagine a checkered table cloth. I imagine a matched set of wine glasses filled with sparkling cider or Earl gray tea, weakened with half and half. Set topsy turvy on an up turned apple box. A sprinkling of lavender petals, rose petals, a daisy or two in a vase made from an empty beer bottle. We sit, hand in hand. Contemplating the sunset, the grass, the smell of summer dew.

I wish you were here with me, today on your birthday. I wish this every day but a lot today. Sitting with our picnic in the sun. I miss you baby. Happy 30th birthday.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Illicit fantasy (the CRUSH)

There are fantasies that are "allowable" The ones where you can quietly (or not so quietly) Lust after a movie/T.V. star and not really feel guilty. Those are the not obtainable fantasies.
I'm talking the ones you'd only admit to if you were having trouble going to sleep and talking to the internets. I love you internet.

I get crushes. I get them often. They're gentle sweet, mostly innocent things. I meet some very interesting people and apparently I can't just like them. NO! not me. I start noticing the shape of the mouth. Wonder about the texture of skin. It sounds all creepy stalker. But this is really just me sharing the kind of things MOST people can't/don't/know better then to share.

I would never act on these odder darker instincts. I know it's my odd introvert nature that triggers it. Having anyone show even a moments worth of interest in me immediately triggers it if that person is even moderately attractive (and some of the people I know are FAR more then moderately attractive) and having them be amazingly cool? That'll make it worse.

I STILL harbor a small giddy fan girl crush on Alasdair Stuart (An amazingly cool podcast (Psudopod- it's in the links) host/e-mag editor..etc) based around his voice, and his amazing brain. I want to sit and listen to him talk. Making interested umm hum noises even when I have no CLUE what the man's going on about. This isn't a sexual crush, not really. No it's worse. It's that kind of crush that develops when you first notice someone interesting/cool/amazing. His voice caught me first. The octave, rise and fall, and of course the accent. Then there's that nimble agile brain. I can't quite describe my reaction to people like him. It's .. complicated.

Then there are the girls. I am constantly developing girl crushes. These are just as bad. I have a VERY hard time relating to women. So generally when I DO find a woman I can relate to at all I start noticing how hot she is too. Seriously- is it like this for men too or am I just some kind of skeevy bi perv?

I dunno. I just noticed how I was hanging on every word of a blogger I follow (A very smart pretty lady) and realized my for play girl crush had developed into a full blown OMG her eyes look great in THAT picture crush. I am a sad.sad. weird girl.

I think it's time for me to examine the root of all these crushes. It COULD have something to do with hubs being away and me going through my sexual peak- but I have a feeling it's probably deeper then that. Time to break out the psych books.