Friday, February 12, 2010


I should be sleeping. I should rest and relax. My ADD is giving me anxiety. Trying so hard to get things done accomplishes nothing. Need to clean, want to write. I'm not strong against my stupid brain. Depression, anxiety, lonliness.

Switching over to ecigs has been easy enough, but I wish I could get everything else together this easy. No, instead everything is a queasy crazy mess. My weight is all over the place, I'm over my healthy BMI weight, just a touch, but there it is. Motivation is a lost art, not that it's ever been easy. I dislike this seasonal affective thing, or cabin feaver, or hard transition THING. Call it what you will I dislike it very muchly.

I feel vapid, almost empty of thought. I am a woman who lives almost exclusivly in her head, so to have an empty head? frightening! I think, no thought, deep wonderous thoughts. Now? Very very little. Make THIS moment pass faster. Make THIS day go past. Make THIS time a little less lonely by distracting my flutterfly mind with something anything other then the ultimate fact that I'm not good alone.

Not good by myself. Not that I'm alone. They fill up the quiet spaces, certainly with their clutter and their noise. The love I have for these two amazing girls is deep and amazing, and it nourishes me enough, a little, and sadly sometimes not at all.

I'll admit to being selfish. I am. I'm prone to throwing a tantrum and waving my impotent little fists at the sky when I don't get what I want. Right now I want an equil measure of two very important things. WARM sunshine in the out of doors and my beloved in my bed, in my arms. I don't have these things. Que mini tantrum.

One, the other, and/or both I'll get. Soon. soon. soon.


  1. If I new you well enough from your journal, I'd say more. But I do agree that this late winter feeling is a burden, especially when it interfers with getting from 'here' to 'there'.

    Nothing fills up any of the empty spaces in my mind and I know that I wonder why they are empty if I am here in my head as well. Been wanting to write, much to say (or so I think) but can't get it all out.

    Two more weeks and it will be March. Maybe there will be a nice melt on the snow and it will be gone too. So can't believe that I moved to NOVA the winter it got hit with nearly four feet of freakin' snow...

    ... doesn't your beau return home soon?

  2. Mark: sometime in March (hopefully early March) I get my sweetie for a whole glorious month. And I'm hoping this snow stuff will be ending soon. a few more days of school being cancelled for snow and I'll be compleatly insane.

    4 feet! I feel your pain!