30 days of letters, Day 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Uncle Tommy,

I wish I had a chance to tell you how much we have in common now.

Unlike some of the things you struggled with, I have acceptance (for the most part). I can't imagine a life of having to hide. Of having to lie about your "Friend" of having to like about your sickness later on. I wish you'd tried treatment. I wish you'd hung around a little longer. You were my favorite uncle, you still are. I at least got to tell you that.

You didn't get a chance to see me change. But I know you'd be proud of the woman I have become. I'm strong, Tommy.
I'm beautiful, Tommy. And I am taking everything that was sweet and joyous that I knew of you and keeping it bright and glowing in my life. I'm OUT, Tommy! I'm open. I love you, and miss you, and understand your struggles.

I'm helping other people be okay with themselves and accepting their best selves. I'm raising my children with open minds.

I'm never 15 minutes late, but when someone is I smile just a little and think of you. You and your special "Denton" time. I think of piano music floating through the house, and you sitting on the bench next to a very young pigtailed freckled me guiding my awkward fingers through ode to joy.

I still play it Tommy. I wish I could play more, but I can still play ode to joy. I think of playing tag, and being lifted and spun until I was dizzy and giddy and silly.

Thank you. You, ginger haired and beautiful. You silly, smiling, and sweet. You and everything that was the best about you.
A piece of you lives in me forever. I love you.

~A

30 days of letters, day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Hey sweetie.

You knew you'd be getting one of these. You'll probably get more letters as this experiment continues. I miss you. I miss you so much every day. There are moments where I'm okay. Where I am dealing as best I can with the world. Where for a whole breath, for a whole heartbeat I am perfectly allright. Where I can cope in this moment without you. And then the ache in my heart opens. Then my stomach drops, then I exhale. And I miss you all over again. I'm just barely handling the world on my own. I'm just barely dealing with each day as it comes. I'm trying so hard not to feel like you have abandoned me.

I know I'm more important then your job.
I know you're mine.
And yet I don't truly believe it. You belong to them first. You always will. You belong to your job, to your world. If you were truly mine you'd try harder. I just know it. But I lso know that's a "feeling" and not reality.


I CAN NOT do this on my own. I'm having a hard enough time taking care of our children. Of my self. Of my sanity. I can't take care of you right now. You're too damn far away.

And what's more, I shouldn't have to.

ALSO! These things I'm asking for aren't so extreme. Your fear will push me further into it, not away. You should know this. Please join me. Please take my hand. Let's travel the path of life together. Don't leave me alone, in the dark.

I love you babe.

~A

30 days of letters, Day 9: someone I wish I could meet.

This is a hard one. I can't say there's any particular person I want to meet, who is alive and kicking in todays world.

Past? I can do that. We'll pretend that he can understand my slang. Since he can receive a letter from the future and all.. Even these letters are really for me not them so :P

Nikola Tesla,

Dear sir,

I would like to humbly thank you for.. everything. Your impact on my personal life has been extreme. Your vision and inventions changed the flow of history. If I could travel back in time I'd shake your hand.
Or as Spider Robinson would put it:

I, madam, I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I?

He's a bit of a fan of yours too. And more likely to get to meet you being a time traveling science fiction writer himself.

The future is even more mad then you could have envisioned. Probably only about 1/4 as interesting as it would have been if people had listened to you a bit more.

yours,
~A

30 days of letters, Day 8: My favourite internet friend

OOps! missed a post yesterday, but I'll make it up by pretending it didn't happen.
~~~~
"Puff"

Oh you shining star! I have had the pleasure to meet you already once. And I'm really hoping to meet you again next month if $$ and time comply. Sure it's a day drive with kidlets in tow, but you, you are amazing.
Strong, beautiful, and human. I'd have never done ToI if I hadn't thought there'd be a chance of being part of the puffkateer crew.
Wish I were state side longer so we can hang more then once more! However: 3 years ain't so long and I have this way of adopting friends for a good long time.

Thanks for being my internet friend, my favorite blogress, my guide to all things vaping. Thanks!

Gloata FTW!

~"Bug"

And to the rest of Gloata, to the puffkateers, to the "vape" community: Wow! We're like the cool nicotine version of AA without the A or the A or bad coffee.. actually we're nothing like that at all. NM. ;)

30 days of letters: Day 7, Your Ex-partner/love/crush

S,

Don't get riled.Thanks for the papers. Thanks for not asking for much. Thanks for keeping your distance and moving on. I'm pretty sure I have at last reached the point where I can say "I forgive you" and "I hope life turns out okay for you".

Just as long as you stay waaaaaaaay over there.

We were both young. And dumb. And I'm sure I made as many mistakes as you did. I'm sure it couldn't be as bad as it's painted in some of my nightmares. Even if it was? You're forgiven, from afar.

She looks a little like you. And she's beautiful. She looks a little like me. And she's amazing. I can't hate or spite someone who gave me someone so amazing to spend time with. She's... a gift. I sorry you'll only ever see small pictures of her.

So thank you. But, keep your distance. We're defiantly better like this.

your ex.

30 days of letters. Day 6: to a stranger.

You,

You know who you are. Stop the hate. Stop the venom. Hurt is good for no one. I can't stand by and abide by this. I can't just watch from the side. And Yet I have to. It's not my place, except that it is. NO ONE deserves to be treated with hate. No one deserves to have their feelings and needs dismissed. I am not strong enough to physically take this on. I'm not strong in any way, except opinion. And you, stranger, are WRONG. Your choice is wrong. Your current opinion and belief set is wrong. Why must you take your pain out on others. We both know it's you that aches.

Let someone help you.

And stop hurting others.

Please?
~A

State of mind

OK! So FML.

I'm already in debt due to dental bills and I'm going to be beholden to another.

On the upside? Ian has his papers. They're in transit to Germany. On the downside? We'll probably be denied unless I get two more teeth pulled STAT.

FML. I Hate dentists.

Plus there's a chance we'll get denied anyway due to Shades IEP.

FML.

That'd mean us going back to AZ

This whole year apart and everything that has happened would be for nothing.

FML.

I'm making appointments. Making arrangements. Getting the kiddos in school and setting my hopes on approval.

He may be in Korea until late September.

He misses me though.

FML.

*cries*

I'll put in todays letter for the 30 days of letters project later. I just needed to rant. Kthxbai.