I'm only happy when it rains..

deleting this rant. but .. it was rant tastic. :P I need to quit beating myself up every time my mr. and I have a spat.We'll either get over this or we won't. I'm still hoping we do. so..
I deleted my whining.

I'm putting hope up instead.

HOPE.

Meh

Nothing to see here.
Move along.

*looks around*
are they gone?

OK! *giggle* I'm going to the states in March! To see my friends. I'm having a difficult time making friends out here. I'm adjusting to life out here in Germany. Hubs and I are.. Not 100% but better then we were not as good as we could be but better. I'm not... content. But Firmly steering towards it. I'm excited about my little solo vacation.

stringing thoughts, like beads.

Don't let me go.

Not just yet.

These arms are made for holding. I can fit you between them quite well.

Press your lips against my temple and tell me it'll be all right. I know you love me. And although there ARE other things that matter, this is one of the most important; I love you.

Passion, it comes and goes. We don't have to share every interest to share a life. To make our small piece of the world work.

Don't let me go.

Hold me just a little tighter. I'll try harder to be the person you want me to be. If you'll try for me too.

WTF books

More later. But man we have a lot of books. The movers have arrived with all our stuff. It's a LOT of stuff. Mostly books.

And more books.

And some random crap.

Oh and our furniture.

I also have: too many clothes and too many shoes.

But man the books. It's out of control.

I love you enough to let you go. (A cry for help)

He told me this. Out of the blue. And, oh gods, oh yee gods.

I don't know if I needed to know this. Too much information for someone who is basically going through a mid-life crisis, seven year itch, change of perspective, change of life.. thing.

I'm not going. Unless he tells me that he's through. Not yet.. This needs time. This needs sorting. We need to give ourselves a chance. We've changed. We've grown APART as individuals. While I CAN imagine life without him, as I live it often enough, I don't enjoy it. I don't like it.

For one: Where would I go? For two what would I do?

I have a teenage daughter who WOULD stay with me, but our younger daughter is ours together. She'd be torn. I'd be shredding a family to pieces. For selfish whim. When we work.. mostly.

Every time I examine the problem I find new issues. I'm going to school on student grants and scholarships. My work abilities are almost purely retail, which doesn't pay well and this is a CRAP time to be looking for a job anywhere.

My girls need a stable home.
I need..
Well fuck my needs. They don't come first. Not right now.
And he needs me. He isolates himself from people. Puts up a barrier that I pull down for him. I give him strength, food, support, adoration, and much much more. I provide a stability and a chaos that is lacking in his world.
He would be worse without me.

Fuck. And I'm sick today... probably from the stress of this stupid announcement. My love, he gives me drama, at least. If not spankings or scenes, or fetish-able moments he gives me something to gnaw on with my crazed little mind.

Fuck. Help?

Winter wonder land

OMG SNOW!
Ok no seriously. Where is all this stuff coming from? How do people LIVE with this.. like.. more then briefly?
This is the first time in well over a decade I've seen this much snow and.. OMG!
Will it ever stop? What kind of insane people enjoy this shit? EWEW! How do I get out of my drive way? Why doesn't the base provide shovels?!?
It has been NON-STOP snowing for over three days now.
Send help.

Here

Hey! I've fallen behind again on updates.

We have arrived in Germany. We've acquired a nice new house. The floors are heated, but it is a base house which means it's not so much MINE as rented from the Air Force. I have to take especially good care of it because it's new new.

I'll be putting up more updates soon. I'm still getting my bearings here.

It's colder. It rains a LOT. It's Greener, with lots of trees.
It's beautiful.

It's COLD!

We don't yet have a car so we've been relying on the on base shuttle system and foot power for getting around. Thus, we haven't seen much of Germany yet. Except for a brief afternoon in Trier with a tour group. I like Trier.

I really look forward to exploring. But we're kind of in a hold pattern right now as everything gets settled into place. It's chaotic, and often rather boring. And hectic. And aggravating.

But we're doing fine. The girls are happy. The hubs is happy. I'm working on happy.

I haven't seen sunshine since we got here. I miss the sun.
I miss my stateside friends. But I'm trying. I REALLY am.

but it's cold.