Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I love you enough to let you go. (A cry for help)

He told me this. Out of the blue. And, oh gods, oh yee gods.

I don't know if I needed to know this. Too much information for someone who is basically going through a mid-life crisis, seven year itch, change of perspective, change of life.. thing.

I'm not going. Unless he tells me that he's through. Not yet.. This needs time. This needs sorting. We need to give ourselves a chance. We've changed. We've grown APART as individuals. While I CAN imagine life without him, as I live it often enough, I don't enjoy it. I don't like it.

For one: Where would I go? For two what would I do?

I have a teenage daughter who WOULD stay with me, but our younger daughter is ours together. She'd be torn. I'd be shredding a family to pieces. For selfish whim. When we work.. mostly.

Every time I examine the problem I find new issues. I'm going to school on student grants and scholarships. My work abilities are almost purely retail, which doesn't pay well and this is a CRAP time to be looking for a job anywhere.

My girls need a stable home.
I need..
Well fuck my needs. They don't come first. Not right now.
And he needs me. He isolates himself from people. Puts up a barrier that I pull down for him. I give him strength, food, support, adoration, and much much more. I provide a stability and a chaos that is lacking in his world.
He would be worse without me.

Fuck. And I'm sick today... probably from the stress of this stupid announcement. My love, he gives me drama, at least. If not spankings or scenes, or fetish-able moments he gives me something to gnaw on with my crazed little mind.

Fuck. Help?

1 comment:

  1. Hey.

    My first reaction is that you both need to give each other time. You have been apart and haven't had to work as a family for a long while. You both need to remind yourself and each other on occasion, that you have made a committment to one another. The committment now includes two other people so you can't be impulsive (even if you guys have been discussing this for months, it is still impulsive as you haven't been together that long, from my understanding of things). At one time you both were very right for each other. That is what you come back to.

    The children are more resilent than you think. If you want to do what is best for them, I belong to the Dr. Phil school of thought, where the best thing you can do for your children is make your spouse happy. That goes BOTH WAYS. Happy Hubby = good Dad, and Wonderful Wife = excellent Mom.

    Work on each other EXCLUSIVELY. Caring for the children will come naturally. Treat each other nicer and better. Talk and take time out for each other during the day or week, whatever works best for you. If there is no a) violence (my ex was an abuser), b)no infidelity/other people (cause really, he may have some local or GI Jane in his system... I was in OD green and saw how stuff like that played out) c) you really believe someone has fallen out of the relationship, this can be salvaged.

    I think back to stories I have heard about situations like this and I wonder if they simply forgot that they loved one another once and that the love they had is still in them. Anywho, if I am talking out my butt, ignore this... delete it even. But I hope I am being helpful and that you can get back on track and you guys can find your way back to each other.