Wednesday, January 4, 2012


I'm having difficulty coming to terms with who I am In this moment. I know who I am to others. I am: Mother, Wife, Friend, Lover, counselor, nemesis, that bitch, some girl, some woman, That kids mom, etc..
To me?
Who am I to me?
It's a mystery. I know I'm not good enough for me, yet. I'm working on getting there, but I'm feeling rather stuck. The jobs aren't plentiful anywhere. I'm under educated, lazy, have sparse hours I'm able to leave the house without arranging care for my younger child (and I won't) and stubborn.
I could go back to school, but it's only available online. I'm not a big fan of online classes. I LOVE the classroom experience. There's something special about learning in person.

I'm also..

falling into a very odd very long distance friendship circumstance I find baffling, dizzying, and wonderful. My hubs is glad I'm happy, a little jealous, and more then anything his usual distant self.

We had a wonderful romantic get away that missed the romance but was RICH in adventure and experience and the strengthening of our amazing friendship. I wasn't worried about our friendship. He is and always will be my very best friend.

I was just, stupidly, hoping for a little more sweetness. A little more sexiness. An extra spark to the kisses, a little.. something that wasn't there. Not even in the most magical place on earth were we able to make magic for each other.

And that makes me a little sad. But.. It is what is has been and I suppose what it always will be. I accepted a LONG time ago who he was.

But Who am I?
why am I here?
and what am I going to do about..

I'll do what I always do. I'll ROLL! Baby roll with it and ride and hope I don't hurt myself too bad when I inevitably fall.


  1. Look at you! How have you been..?

    I don't know what to tell you other than be here to read your entries... not only would I feel hypocritical given the state of my social life but at least you have someone to think about who is unmistakably linked to you...

    Take it easy...

    Love & Rockets!

  2. Mark! :) Always good to see you, sir. I am, at the moment alive and semi anti social. You take care of you too, my friend.