Where did I get off to?

 So it's been since very early spring since I posted. You see winter finally buggered off and it brought on the longest bit of hot summer weather folks around here have seen in some time. Almost all of july was hot. I'm talking 80 degrees, some days got all the way up to 90 hot. Folks sweat, folks moaned. I sat in the sun and blissed out so completely I almost forgot.

We got orders for our next move, and for a time I was ecstatic. We were going to San Antonio Texas. This is a place my husband and I dreamed of retiring to. This was a place with good schools and good houses and good... everything. And just when everything looked like it was going to be gravy and jam and sunshine and rainbows we were given a last minute diversion. My husband was allowed to pick from 6 bases (4 of which we were okay with but NONE were ones we really really wanted) which was to be our new new home. I cried. I moaned. The girls cried. The husband bitched and groaned. And now we're going instead to a teeny tiny base out in the middle of no mans land in upstate California. Beale. Because his job will be "easier" there. Not because it'd be good for the rest of us. Nope. He just is tired of shagging ass every day and if he has to work somewhere that's not his dream he'd rather not work himself to death.

I have to respect that. I wanted one of the Carolinas or Georgia (closer to places I know and like) but the job there would be similar to the job here and he's exhausted with the job here. So, California it is.

To say I'm... less then pleased is overstating the thing.

Regardless. The saying goes "Bloom where you're planted" and while I may well refuse to bloom, since I'm a delicate fucking flower and prone to whining about everything, I shall adapt. I'm reasonably ok at adapting.

My teenager has been acting like a typical teenage girl. She found a boyfriend. She's had a few boyfriends now, and a girlfriend or two. Thus far her relationships have been perfectly acceptable. However she got herself caught up in a romance with a 19 (or is he 20?.. Regardless he's pretty much a kid too) year old enlisted boy. The military kind of looks down on underage (Even though she's 17, she's still underage!) Folks with their above legal age air people. So we had to break up the relationship with much fighting and drama from the teenager who accused us, the military, and me in particular of many awful things. Mostly, she cried.

Again, it's underestimating things to say that too distressed me a bit.

I'm overwhelmed. Quite at the end of my rope. If "god only gives you what he thinks you can handle" well then God is an ass and I don't like him much at the moment. It's rather a good thing I prefer to be an agnostic or my faith would be taking a bit of a blow with the latest developments.

All our nice warm weather blew away a couple weeks ago. I've been too busy fretting over changes and the move and the teenager to be bothered by the sudden drop in sunshine per day.

My sleep schedule is a hot mess, my hair is thinning, and I've been rather unwell feeling all due to stress. Kind of wish I had somehow managed to pick up a friend somewhere along the way just so I'd have someone to whine at about all this. The hubs isn't much of a sounding board since he's going through just as much if not more stress and frustration too.

I have a couple of buddies in Sacramento and Napa Vally so at least I'm not venturing into the unknown. And I'm really trying to locate and appreciate the bright side of the move. Right now I kind of just want it over and done with. I am partially anxious that they'll change things all over again. There's still a Month that they can screw us over in, after all. And I REFUSE to get excited until I'm fucking there. Then I can try to fall in love with my new location.

Mostly I'm mad. I'm mad that we lost San Antonio. It was a beautiful dream, and nearly a beautiful reality. I'm mad that of all the relationships my teenager could choose to get tangled in she choose one that would cause maximum drama and strife. I'm mad that I'm not coping better with things that are naturally occurring parts of life.

I'm mad as hell right now and I have nowhere to go and vent out my rage and frustration.

So I'm here instead. Blogging on my FAR underused blog. Writing into the ether of nothingness that is the internet and wondering if anyone even hears me.

I'm breaking up with you, winter.

Look winter. I wrote this beautiful moving piece some time ago about my last first snow. And I get it. You were moved. I'm a deep chick. I sometimes know how to flatter a body. But, damn it winter. It's spring now, I reset my clocks. I see tulips doing their best to stay above ground. It's bloody well time to pack it in, and take your drunk ass home. It's nothing personal, winter. You can come back next year and bluster and blow and make me turn up the collar of my coat. Because, honestly, buddy I' pretty sure that unless we get Florida or Arizona where we go next we're gonna see each other again.

I think snow is really very pretty, little dancing fairy flakes. I think ice is neat and nifty. But, seriously? Dude.  Go home. As it is you are going to have the mother of all hangovers after this binge. Take a few aspirins, eat something, and get some well deserved rest. It's time, Winter. It's time to go now.

Love (but really I'd love you more if you left)

~Amber

And a new year

New years even in a German town is delightful! We've been somewhere else, both of our other years here. We went to Paris, our first year. We drove out to Edelweiss lodge, and slept through midnight our second. Both years were excellent and awesome.

This year is our tenth year of marriage. This year we wanted to stay up late, we wanted to see fireworks over the river. We drove out to Bernkastle-Kues. We'd originally planned to go to Koln, but the three hour drive past midnight sounded exhausting  Berkastle is a tiny sweet little wine trail town that we've both fallen head over heels in love with. I've never seen new years fireworks in Germany. I didn't know a thing about them.

I only recently discovered, they're fucking FANTASTIC! Apparently sales of anything bigger then a sparkler is limited most of the rest of the year. But right around new years the stores carry them en mass at decent prices. the locals seem to LOVE them.

Oh and do they.

I can't even begin to describe the insane fun of a bunch of Drunken gleeful Germans suddenly armed with fireworks. Bottle rockets, Roman candles, sparklers, some weird awful smelling can of colored smoke. Everywhere all around us as the night progressed there were sudden random instances of someone setting off their fireworks soon. The instances increased until, at last, midnight. The sound of cheering and booming and everywhere, every way you looked sparkling ad shining and booming were fireworks.

Oh goodness I laughed for a good solid twenty minutes.

We were occasionally frightened we'd get hurt, but no one seemed to be badly injured near us. Just jolly drunken laughing hugging and celebrating Germans everywhere.

This is my new favorite thing. and it was a magnificent way to ring in the new year and celebrate 10 years married to my best friend.

Halfway through the dark.

We're just a few days shy of December 21st (Winter solstice)

I'm sorry. I don't believe it'll be the end of the world, just the darkest day of the year. After this one the sun will hang around a little longer.

we've had three days of rain, and after the last two weeks of (admittedly beautiful) snow, the warm (in comparison) weather and drizzle are welcome. We can drive again! I got to go to my favorite Christmas market and just soak up the local flair.

I'm telling ya kids, you want to go anywhere this time of year and see what the season should look like, come to Germany and hit some of the smaller township Christmas markets. The big ones are cool, but it's cute little river side towns, full of picturesque buildings, windy cobblestone roads, the smell of spiced wine, spiced nuts, and currywurst that'll do you in. That and there's a High percentage of men who accidentally look like Santa. Jolly men with red cheeks, white hair, and big booming laughs jostle for space in gluvine booths with everyone else.

It's glorious and it's almost over. The giddy glowing part of the season. One of my favorite times to visit towns and browse. But we're almost halfway through the dark. Just a few (too many) more months of cold and ick and then the buds will be back, the blush of spring.

Winter came (absolutely everywhere, and messily too!) and I'll be happy to see it go.

But I'll miss my Christmas markets. The dizzying smell of curry ketchup and fresh fried potato. spiced wine and giddy drunken Europeans that aren't shy about people watching right along side of me. Red cheeks and flashing teeth. Music on every corner, and winds that bite, but don't bite quite so hard now that there's a bit of Christmas spirit in the air. 

Oh, Monday.

Last day of my program today. We get weighed, measured, and worked out. From here on in I'm self motivated. 

I hope I can do this. The thickening layer of snow outside wants to argue with me that I can not. It's far too yucky out there to drive anywhere, right? It's far easier to do a little indoor attempt and pretend. But, mister snow, I say no.  I can do this. I can keep going. Even if I have to go in the extremely early mornings with my husband. If I have to go during the dinner hour to the yoga classes, if I have to carve out an hour and FORCE my stubborn soft bottom into the car, drive to the gym and throw myself at a tread mill.

I can do this. I will do this. I still have fat to shed. I still have muscle to gain. I still have something to prove. I will do this.

Gross piles of (god, it's pretty) snow or not. I shall. I'll get myself snow gloves, layer up and go play in it. I'll...

Right now I can feel that bitter dark part of me shaking it's metaphorical head in negation. I can feel the tug of the heavy gray clouds laden with snow and *weather. 

Right now I'm arguing with myself. there's a little child inside of me who grew up dreaming of white Christmases. There's a girl who wanted to make snow men. Who wanted to cut out snow flakes from paper and post them in frosted windows. There's a child who wondered what it felt like to catch a snow flake on her tongue. She's being held down by the bully in me. That stubborn itch who likes nothing more then grumping about everything scowling Scrooge like at the world and sarcastically mocking that inner child.

I WANT to let the kid win this round. I want to be enchanted and amazed.   Let's give that kid a chance. 

*"weather" must be said by drawing the word out like it smells of wee. Weather is not just climatic changes, it's everything that is horrible and gross and unsavory about the stuff that is NOT sunshine. 

on Last Firsts

It snowed yesterday.

I woke up, walked downstairs, mixed my coffee and gawped at the front window for what seemed like forever. It shouldn't have been a surprise  It was scheduled to snow both days this weekend, and it only snowed a little the night before last and a bit in the morning. I gaped because it was beautiful. My little slice of the world covered in white. I shivered in my skin thinking that within a few hours my family and I would be out walking in it. Mostly I stared, with big hungry eyes.

It was my last first German snowfall, at least for a VERY long time. Unless it gets unseasonably cold next year in early October next year, this is it. We'll be moving before next winter. Hopefully, we'll be reassigned to somewhere temperate. This. Beautiful deep, soft, blanket outside my window is the last one I'll be seeing out here in Germany.

There will be many more this winter. I have a feeling we're looking at a white winter. And, although I go along with my snow fearing husband and cranky teenager in pretending that I hate it, I don't. Just between you, me, and the internet I think snow is freaking magic. Oh it's COLD. And I'm no fan of cold. It's icky when it melts into slush puddles that have the consistency of the nastiest margarita mix EVER.

The snow itself? Pretty. I plan to get water resistant mittens so I can make a snow man next time.

But,
Don't tell my family. With the exception of our amazing little changeling child, the Ella monster, who likes what she likes regardless of popular opinion, my family is full of snow haters.

so.
sshhh!

meh

I'm having little mini emotional break downs on a semi regular basis.  I'm sad, due to the weather. I'm grumpy due to my emotional teenager taking out her angst on me and the rest of the family. I'm lonesome due to not having any real friends. I'm upset with myself over not loosing more then a pound over the series of this month.

I'm okay with the slow weight loss, I feel good about what I've done. I'm glad the program is almost over, because I'm ready to find something that works better for me.

My husband and I are trying to plan out our trip to celebrate 10 years of marriage. It's tedious at times, since we have yet to settle on a plan. I *think*  we're going to try to go out to Orlando, the shades of green resort.

I'm frustrated, because I REALLY want to get out of here, and we still have a little under a year before we can leave. There is nothing enchanting about November in Germany. It's foul, gray, foggy, wet, ugly, cold, and uninviting. The Christmas market just started or will be starting soon. The weekend trips to the markets will help relieve some of my stress and grumption over the weather.

We had a decent small family Thanksgiving. I made a turkey good enough that even my teenager, who claims to HATE turkey thought it was yummy. She also liked my two days later turkey soup. I still look forward to returning to the states so we can have a pleasant BIG family gathering.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm worn. I'm hoping that the ever present cloud cover lifts for a few days, but I truly doubt that it will. I just will wait. I'll keep trying to get in shape. And I plan to keep writing here. I may not have more then one or two followers, but this is MY blog. This is as good a place as any to document my small petty shallow little life.

Give me patience. Give me faith. Give me hope.

To move on to tomorrow and tomorrows tomorrow.