meh

I'm having little mini emotional break downs on a semi regular basis.  I'm sad, due to the weather. I'm grumpy due to my emotional teenager taking out her angst on me and the rest of the family. I'm lonesome due to not having any real friends. I'm upset with myself over not loosing more then a pound over the series of this month.

I'm okay with the slow weight loss, I feel good about what I've done. I'm glad the program is almost over, because I'm ready to find something that works better for me.

My husband and I are trying to plan out our trip to celebrate 10 years of marriage. It's tedious at times, since we have yet to settle on a plan. I *think*  we're going to try to go out to Orlando, the shades of green resort.

I'm frustrated, because I REALLY want to get out of here, and we still have a little under a year before we can leave. There is nothing enchanting about November in Germany. It's foul, gray, foggy, wet, ugly, cold, and uninviting. The Christmas market just started or will be starting soon. The weekend trips to the markets will help relieve some of my stress and grumption over the weather.

We had a decent small family Thanksgiving. I made a turkey good enough that even my teenager, who claims to HATE turkey thought it was yummy. She also liked my two days later turkey soup. I still look forward to returning to the states so we can have a pleasant BIG family gathering.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm worn. I'm hoping that the ever present cloud cover lifts for a few days, but I truly doubt that it will. I just will wait. I'll keep trying to get in shape. And I plan to keep writing here. I may not have more then one or two followers, but this is MY blog. This is as good a place as any to document my small petty shallow little life.

Give me patience. Give me faith. Give me hope.

To move on to tomorrow and tomorrows tomorrow.

eating right.

I had an appointment with a nutritionist today. I was all nervous. Especially after Trainer Jen had given me a bit of grief over my eating habits. BUT! Nutritionist guy says: I'm right where I should be, maybe add a bit more protein. However! YAY!!! I'm right where I should be. Someone give me a high five. I'm a good girl!!


*bounces*

And next week I consult a lady who will help me plan out a better exercise regime. OMG. I'm, like, a healthy person.

No weight loss yet. I'm sloooooow. But I feel good. I'm a happy camper. I feel like this is the right path for me to follow to get to a healthy weight.

Today is another day of exercise. I'm liking trainer Jen, this jump start is exactly what I needed.

I'm sucking at word count, but as before predicted I knew I wouldn't make any kind of word count. I'm proud of myself for keeping track of this new start.

food rant.

Dear personal trainer Jen.

YOU, madam, are awesome. You really are. You're inspiring and pretty and talented. You push me to push me. You push me to NOT hurt myself. This is awesome. I KNOW you are well educated when it comes to fitness and exercise  I know you are educated about health. This is not concerning that.

You are NOT educated on my food needs. I share my food diary with you for my own reasons more then your comments. Your Friday comments make me rant and grump.

I do try to eat healthy. I am aware there's a slightly higher amount of sodium then most people eat. I KNOW this is not healthy. I KNOW I eat a lot of processed foods. Now, on the processed foods, this is because I have difficulty making the kinds of foods I can eat easily. I don;'t have tome to cook down veggies grains and meats into a product that pleases my stomach enough that I can keep it down. My little pouch is a picky bitch. I can't seem to properly help you understand that. So, we're both going to have to deal with the high level of processed "unnatural" foods I eat to live.

I think I eat pretty well. I eat proteins  veggies, fruits, and grain. I DO enjoy crackers. I LOVE cheese. Cheese is just about a perfect food for me. My tummy doesn't like "solid" veggies. Boiling them down takes out a lot of the good stuff, but it works when I do it. But, Jen, madam. I do what I must to survive another day.

She has referred me to a dietitian who has some experience with people who are post op RNY surgery. So! I'm scared (because I KNOW my vitamin levels aren't up to par) but I'm hoping his support will keep her off my back.

Anyway, after tomorrow I'll know more about what I need to be doing to stay healthy and perhaps even get healthier. Wish me mucho luck! <3 p="p">

on being female, on being me.

Oh the agony.

Dear "Aunt Flo" Fuck you very much. Nature? You, madam, are a royal bitch.

I am quite through making children. There SHOULD be a way to tell my body "thank you very much, but you can shut the baby factory down now" But nooooooo.

I went to my gym session sore, bloated, cranky, crabby,
nauseous, and in general NOT wanting to. I went. I did three hundred exercises. Woot! My body is achy and sore. I'm a little more then a little uncomfortable in my body.

I needed the cardio. It was nice talking to my trainer about my food issues without being judged for them. I feel like I'm slowly surpassing my current body stopping points.

So, yay for me.

I'm defiantly suffering from the beginnings of seasonal effective disorder.  I feel the darkness encroaching. I'm gloomy and grumpy. I feel like picking fights and whining about how unloved I am.

I feel unappreciated and unwanted. I know, now, that these feelings are attached to my low levels of sunlight absorption combined with the lack of "nice" days

I want winter to go away, and it's not even officially here yet.

Ah well. At least, I'll be in shape to fight the cold.

On word count, gym clothes, and choosing a goal.

So. I was bad this weekend. I actually HAD a weekend. Instead of fussing over word count, I decided to focus on quality instead of quantity. I KNOW that the whole November writing challenge thing is supposed to make us focus on getting in word count. It's supposed to help us focus on writing as much as you can without feeling forced to write a "proper" story.

But you know what? Fuck that. I'm going to write because I choose to write. I'm going to write to document my month. I did my second Monday of work outs yesterday. I played with a bar bell for the first time EVER. There were big buff scary "gym boys" in the free weight room. I'm not a huge fan of big buff scary gym boys. They're  almost always loud, stinky, and generally rude. They also look at me, in my over weight out of shape weird bodied self with utter contempt. Boys. *sigh*

So, it was fun having the "protective" barrier of three other women with me in the free weight room while I played with the big boy toys. I'm a tiny bit sore today, but I'm feeling much more comfortable with going to the gym. I'm actually HOPING for cardio tomorrow.

Now, gym clothes. I love my yoga pants. I'm comfortable in yoga pants! I'm even okay with yoga pants. I've found a couple sports bras that I like, two of them in a shocking hue of hot pink that tickles my happy. It's the shirts. I've BEEN wearing my comfortable geeky shirts. However, as much as I adore my geek shirts they don't stretch and move right. I WOULD wear tank tops. Tank tops make my arms look disgusting. I can't do them. What I need is a shirt made of a breathable wicking material that covers my under arm area, my tummy, and moves with me. I may end up checking the male shirts, since all the ladies shirts in my local store seem to be designed to bare more flesh instead of less.

I'm not losing weight YET, but it's only been a week. I haven't gained any weight. I already feel better, I believe weight loss will come soon.

Fuck you, qunioa

Dear Quinoa,

I get that you are a complete grain. I understand that you are healthy and full of protein.

However,  one would be led to think you were made of magic gold yummy happy sauce if you go look at all the health food recipes cropping up. To be honest, Quinoa,  I don't like you. No matter how I soak you, brine you, steam you, bake you, or prepare you you taste bitter and nasty. Your texture is just "wrong" on my tongue.  I'd rather use a slightly lesser grain and add some protein somewhere else to make up for you, and your utter yuckiness


Oh but heaven forbid I say anything. "Qunioa is full of happy magic rainbow unicorns" The healthy food elitists say "Quinoa has more protein then a bucket full of salmon seamen!"

Well they can HAVE you. If no one ever re-pins another picture of your freaky ass on pintrest it'll be too soon,Quinoa. I think you're disgusting.

Can people make some recipes without you? I can't even find them anymore! Oooh this is supposed to be healthy, let's invite quinoa to the party. It'll funk everything up! BLUUUGH!

WHAT DID YOU DO? Did you brain wash these silly wheat grass guzzling bitches somehow?

I'm not a 5 star cook, by any means. I can make an egg, and a white sauce. I can steam, fry, and bake well enough to feed myself. But I can NOT improve you, quinoa. You are a bitter disgusting grain. I don't care how magical you are. I refuse to eat you.

In conclusion, FUCK you quinoa. Fuck you straight to the bowls and bowels of hell.

nothing..

Nothing, nothing tra la la. Nothing to see here. Carry on. Move forward  I have next to nothing to write.

I'm HUNGRY today.  The soreness of over stressed muscles isn't as bad. I didn't achieve much in productivity other then stick close to my diet. Well, I cleaned out my fridge, but it was disgusting. I need that thing to be clean so I can make with the healthy eating. I was way under my calorie count according to my calorie tracker, so I MAY allow myself one or two VERY small night time indulgences. I don't want to send my body into starvation mode, after all.

getting in word count makes me feel like I'm blathering. Let's see.


Instead let's talk about a tiny episode of cyber bullying my Daughter experienced recently.

For some back round. My teenage daughter is Brilliant. according to tests she's well above collage level when it comes to comprehension. When my kiddo gets something she GETS it. Her major challenge is a devastating curse of dyslexia and dysgraphia. When she puts things up on her face book page the spelling style brings to mind the I Can Haz Cheezeburger memes. She spells things phonetically, but when impassioned she gets as close to the word as she can and just runs with it. For anyone that doesn't KNOW my kid, it's a pain in the eyes to read.

Now, she's smart. She's impassioned. She was going on a rant about the over abundance of political misinformation that was running  rampant in her school. She wrote a smart sassy rant that pretty much stated her opinion. She STARTED it warning people it was a rant.

Some dumb ass who she'd allowed to be her face book friend told her she was stupid, her opinions were stupid and asked how anyone could take her seriously if she couldn't even spell. After she (and a large percentage of people who actually *know* her) attempted to correct him, he claimed she was doing it to be cute.

My smart, my brilliant, my amazing daughter said. To be cute? I'm already cute. I do this because I have no choice

That's my kid. It's amazing that she has a strong group of people who are willing to stand up and fight for her. It's amazing that she has enough will power to stand up and defend herself. THIS is the way all cyber bullying stories should end. With the bullied shaking their head in disappointment and the bully sulking off into the shadows tail firmly tucked between their legs.

I wish more kids were as fortunate as mine. MORE SO I wish there were more parents willing to teach their children that mindless comments CAN and DO hurt others. That words can be weapons, and should be handled with the same caution.