Shrunk

So after the drama the other day. Then the writing to bleed the emotion a bit I made some phone calls. It's time to work through some issues. I know I'm still a mess over my grandmothers funeral. I know I'm struggling with Ian being so far away.

I made an appointment with a councilor. We start next week on the 15th. Hopefully having someone to help me sift through the debris of my emotions will help me learn to regulate them.

Failure

I am and she is.

My kid is a failure. Her teachers gave her a D minuses. Which, is passing I am aware. But not really. Her reaction? "At least I passed" And not in relief, but in her new and exciting "entitled" voice. She's entitled to that (barely) passing grade. She "needs" her hair colored a new color every other week. She "needs" new this new that. I don't have the $$ to give her much of an allowance or buy her many of these things she "needs". I try, because self expression is important.

The girl is only 13, almost 14. I don't know if we'll survive her teenage years without one of us exploding. I hit her today. I slapped her across the face. And believe me when I say I feel dirty and guilty and wrong. My temper got out of control and she wouldn't stop. She wouldn't stop. I should know better. I'm the adult here. I'm the one who has to decide to stop the argument. I'm the one who has to choose to quit before things escalate into ugliness.

I'm not shocked that I feel so much about her. She's MY girl. Mine and mine alone. The only truly good thing that came from a very unhappy marriage is this child. The only thing that makes me proud and sad and strong is knowing (when she's good) that I am raising this amazing young lady.

And then we have days like this. Where I wonder if I'm raising a future criminal or prostitute. When she wears the type of clothing that I don't deem acceptable for leaving the house in (And I allow quite a bit of artistic clothing choices) and SHE throws a fit. 'Cause looking like a homeless person in 6 layers of clothing on a hot humid day, then sweating and smelling like a pig is, apparently EXACTLY what she wanted to do ..mooooom. And I' such a Bitch and soooo mean for "MAKING" her change. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk my life.

And I'm scared. I'm scared that today she'll tell someone I hit her. And They'd take her away. They'd take the joy the light the happiness over one bad decision. Over one unthought through moment. Would I deserve it? Do I deserve to be a parent. A good percent of the time I have no fucking clue what I'm doing. And I'm going this mostly alone. I'm far away from my family, my husband is a million miles away. I don't know what I'm doing! But They're MINE. These children are mine. I love them like noone else does. And so it's back to reading up on how to control my temper around a temporarily insane person. Around a child who is transitioning into adult hood. Please don't let them come today. Give me another chance, I deserve it for no other reason then.. she's a teenager. And no parent (that I know of) gets through this completely intact and calm.

Update and nerves

Ok so in JULY we do the big social thing again, PLUS I'm meeting some people I deeply admire and am starting to like. My rules for myself in this next big social situation: Have caffeine before hand so the ADHD doesn't get out of hand. Avoid the alcohol so my flirting doesn't cross the line of friendly to creepy. I will NOT fall the the Great madam Puffs feet screaming "I'm not worthy!" (more then once..) I will NOT make lewd suggestions unless it's obvious to ALL parties involved that a: I'm joking and B: they started it. And really I should at least TRY to avoid this all together. I will bring goodies. I won't buy drinks for pretty young men. It's tempting more then three fates.

Yes some of this is stuff I SHOULD already know. Perhaps though writing it down will make it stick when I'm surrounded by happy excited people. Apparently happy folk? Being around them makes me into a spazz-tard.

5 hour energy drink

Ok I haven't tried this yet. I have my reasons. Apparently- these tiny little bottles entice me to get ranty and a little insane.

As your "average" housewife 5 hours of energy seems excessive. I don't need or really want 5 WHOLE hours of energy. Really 2 and half, or one hour of energy would be preferred. Sure 5 hours of energy is great if you're an office drone. Or a steel worker. A barista already has all the caffeine fueled energy she/he needs (ever notice how spazzy and excited they usually seem?)

But what housewife wants or nees five WHOLE hours of energy. What if I wanted a nap for crying out loud?

What if this product really gave me five solid hours of energy?!?! WHAT the fuck!? Now I have no excuse for my lazing about I'd HAVE to fold all the laundry and do ALL the dishes. I mean seriously? Do I want to invest in five whole hours of buzz just so I can clean? Screw that. I'd rather get a nice painkiller or vodka buzz and slowly meditatively fold the laundry. If I had FIVE hours of energy it's more likely I spend it shopping and neither my credit line or my husband would appreciate that.

Why so shy?

I'm trying to be social. This is difficult for me. Not that I suffer anxiety, though of course I'm nervous around people. Not that I don't know how to talk to people, in fact I can talk quite well.

Nope it's boiled down to something very simple. I have this ability to just SHOVE my foot right in my mouth. Hanging out with two folks from an online forum the other weekend.

I talked too much. I flirted. I tried very hard not to go overboard but they were both so new. I don't think I made a horrible impression. I KNOW I'm over thinking things. I would be pleased as punch to meet either one of these folks again. AND we're planning on putting MORE people together to meet again In July, then the great big Vape Fest in August. How lovely, right? So why am I still obsessing over saying this or that? Over acting like a flake?

Part of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been OUT in almost a year. Most of it hinges on something else. Something I'm not even sure I'm cool with talking about. Talking= admitting and I'd rather not.

As it is obsessing, obsessing is bad. I need to quit. I need to quit re-playing conversations and analyzing thins I said and did. Sure I'd change a few stray comments would that I could.

Gosh darnit. I was hoping confessing here would help. I was hoping it'd bleed the frustration out. But there's more to admit and I think I need to think on that too. Figure out why THAT is bugging me so damn much. That one little other thing.

cheese and crackers for my husband

Cheddar cheese, brie, and parmesan. A scattering of ritz crackers. A triscuit or two.

A wish for something more. A noble big dream. I imagine a checkered table cloth. I imagine a matched set of wine glasses filled with sparkling cider or Earl gray tea, weakened with half and half. Set topsy turvy on an up turned apple box. A sprinkling of lavender petals, rose petals, a daisy or two in a vase made from an empty beer bottle. We sit, hand in hand. Contemplating the sunset, the grass, the smell of summer dew.

I wish you were here with me, today on your birthday. I wish this every day but a lot today. Sitting with our picnic in the sun. I miss you baby. Happy 30th birthday.

Illicit fantasy (the CRUSH)

There are fantasies that are "allowable" The ones where you can quietly (or not so quietly) Lust after a movie/T.V. star and not really feel guilty. Those are the not obtainable fantasies.

I'm talking the ones you'd only admit to if you were having trouble going to sleep and talking to the internets. I love you internet.

I get crushes. I get them often. They're gentle sweet, mostly innocent things. I meet some very interesting people and apparently I can't just like them. NO! not me. I start noticing the shape of the mouth. Wonder about the texture of skin. It sounds all creepy stalker. But this is really just me sharing the kind of things MOST people can't/don't/know better then to share.

I would never act on these odder darker instincts. I know it's my odd introvert nature that triggers it. Having anyone show even a moments worth of interest in me immediately triggers it if that person is even moderately attractive (and some of the people I know are FAR more then moderately attractive) and having them be amazingly cool? That'll make it worse.

I STILL harbor a small giddy fan girl crush on Alasdair Stuart (An amazingly cool podcast (Psudopod- it's in the links) host/e-mag editor..etc) based around his voice, and his amazing brain. I want to sit and listen to him talk. Making interested umm hum noises even when I have no CLUE what the man's going on about. This isn't a sexual crush, not really. No it's worse. It's that kind of crush that develops when you first notice someone interesting/cool/amazing. His voice caught me first. The octave, rise and fall, and of course the accent. Then there's that nimble agile brain. I can't quite describe my reaction to people like him. It's .. complicated.

Then there are the girls. I am constantly developing girl crushes. These are just as bad. I have a VERY hard time relating to women. So generally when I DO find a woman I can relate to at all I start noticing how hot she is too. Seriously- is it like this for men too or am I just some kind of skeevy bi perv?

I dunno. I just noticed how I was hanging on every word of a blogger I follow (A very smart pretty lady) and realized my for play girl crush had developed into a full blown OMG her eyes look great in THAT picture crush. I am a sad.sad. weird girl.

I think it's time for me to examine the root of all these crushes. It COULD have something to do with hubs being away and me going through my sexual peak- but I have a feeling it's probably deeper then that. Time to break out the psych books.