ohai seasonal blues, there you are

Darn.

I'd hoped I'd taken a miss on the seasonal blues. Here I am, after all, in this state that gets regular bursts of sunshine. It's warm enough that most days I don't need a coat.

It's been raining. I may have lost a friend.

So, I'm blue.

Rain here is defiantly a blessing. This area was suffering for want of water, and now here it is. Coating the streets with wet, making the grass everywhere turn pale green instead of the gorgeous golden yellow it was. Flowers hang from trees and peek from soil. Little road side farms show signs of preparing for a prosperous season ahead.

I mope.

The gray has gotten into my bones. Aching from the inside out. The wet soaks my sandals and forces me to drag out my coats. I need them more for protection then warmth, so I suppose there's an upside.

I wait to see if the mud settles.

spring gloom

Missing your smile, your face, your laugh. Pensive and pointless is this pre spring sadness. All around me the world is contemplating green, while dripping gray and gloom nourish the soil the rain does nothing to nourish my soul.
So I find my smile in busy work. I fill my days with reading, learning, devouring knowledge. I fill my pretty little head with words. Until the day breaks, and sun bakes this damp dry I wait. Quiet. Waiting for the sunshine.

Go.

There is something so wonderful about a good drive. I intentionally drove the "long" way up to Rocklin. I took the "fast" way back. The rain came in sheets of sudden splashes and bits and starts. The hills rose and fell around me. The road curved in delightful ways under my wheels. I could drive roads like that for ever. Ever changing, scenery popping up at the sides, sudden surprises of beauty. Music up loud. Mind gone to peace and bliss with "go"

So beautiful

(NOTE to those reading into this. This is NOT a cry for help or a hint that I'm actually leaving. I'm just having a "Day" a funk. This is how I work through these. Don't like it? Don't read. Just fuck off. As I've said before, this blog is for ME! This is a place I put some of my excess shit. )

You are so fucking beautiful.

It's never been fair. I know. I know. It means more to me. I know. I know. So I shut up. I dream. Inside an alternate reality somewhere I keep a version of you. Right there with all the other people I love. It's okay. I know. I know. Not mine. Not ever. I belong to no one. I belong to everyone. I belong to him.

I'd run. I'd go. But there is no where to run to. No where to go.  I'd miss everything left behind. And I can't get away from myself no matter how far I go.

There is a Lady in Tennessee. I would go to her. I'd hold out my empty hands and offer her myself. She'd take me. She loves me. I love her. But I don't. I don't. There's a girl in Kentucky. I'd gladly hold out my empty hands. She'd take them and tie them and we'd keep each other very warm indeed. We'd slip together into madness and debauchery. She wants me. I want her. But I don't. I don't. There's a man.. there are many men. I'd go to him and hold out my hands... and he' take them and seal me into another contract. Another promise I just don't want to keep. I won't. I won't.

Those are dreams. Moments. Things that won't be that can't be.

I am content. Not joyous or fulfilled, but content. My distress is my own doing. My disillusionment is my own doing. My problems are of my own making. So I make the best. It is not a bad situation. I love my man. I take care of the one I love. I take care of the one I'm with. I am loved. I am taken care of.
Just because I want to flee. I want to run... I don't. I don't.

Freedom is a beautiful dream. Freedom is an impossible dream.

But you are so damn beautiful.  I remember what it is to wish again. I remember what it is to dream again. I remember what it is.. to live.

And I don't want you. And I don't need you. But I'd like to take you.. I'd like to steal you away. Because you make me remember. I ache. I sob. I pout and move foreword.

Because there's no going back and starting again. 

I don't.
I can't.
I won't.

But give me a few moments. Be my ray of sunshine. Be my light in this self formed darkness. Because, you are so beautiful. So. Damn. Beautiful.

cage act 2

(I'm going to beat my muse bloody today.. I apologize. )

Icarus fell.

I touched the sun.

He blazed and burned. He warmed my soft sweet heart.

He does every time. So many tiny suns in the sky. A night pinpointed with tiny suns. I want to touch them all. I want to be a light.

A quasar. A supernova. A comet. A story.

Instead I am a minor character. Supporting role. Backup spear carrier number three.

That girl with the crooked smile you knew one time. Here and gone. You miss her sometimes.

No more then a passing fancy am I. No burning bush. No life changing event.

Just a smile on a Tuesday afternoon.

Do I leave more then a trace? Is it worth it? All my struggle?

I want to be the main character in the story of my life, but even here I am support. Backup. Useful plot development, sure, but just support.

How do you become the star in your own story? How do you BURN!?!

Without your paste on feathers melting away in the first touch of truths harsh light..
How do I glow without loosing my spark?

Make me true. Make me real.

I don't want to be summers millionth dandelion, loosing my beauty helplessly into the breeze only to die away.

Big dreams, little hope.

I've been dreaming big dreams as of late.

Dreams of a home. Dreams of a mild sort of self sustainability. Dreams of bees, chickens, fresh fruit and vegetables. Dreams laced with the scent of tomato vines, fresh rich compost and setting my table with the work of my own hands.

We're looking at homes, and I find myself attracted to these huge plots. Some of them are acres large. One of them has 100 pistachio trees already on property. What do I know about growing anything other then children? Not one thing. I know if you put seeds in god dirt and give them water occasionally they can grow. I know that a tomato given an unlikely home (like the one that grew in the window well of our old house after a storm knocked the seedling over) will thrive and produce delightful tomatoes that make lovely soups and salads. I know that both my girls liked having a few plants to water.

And yet here I am considering an all out dive into the deep end of self sustainability. I'm doing in depth research on bee keeping, because I like honey. I like the happy sound of bees at work. I like pollinators for a garden. I dig bees. I'm not terrifically fond of being stung and can count on half a hand the number of times it's happened to me. I know I'm not allergic, but it still hurts. And yet here I am thinking about taking on my own little swarm of pets that is sure to inflict stings on me. How odd.

Here I am considering MADNESS!

And it makes me feel bone deep contentment. A certain kind of happiness that feels right. I don't know if I have much hope of getting these things all at once. I believe my husband would prefer something slightly more suburban for our family. And I suppose a closeness to other people would help turn my hermit ways into more social niceness.

And yet,

The idea of bees and happy clucking chickens. Of the smell of well loved earth. The idea of walking through my gardens and feeling that bone deep sense of right...

It is a nice big dream.

Where did I get off to?

 So it's been since very early spring since I posted. You see winter finally buggered off and it brought on the longest bit of hot summer weather folks around here have seen in some time. Almost all of july was hot. I'm talking 80 degrees, some days got all the way up to 90 hot. Folks sweat, folks moaned. I sat in the sun and blissed out so completely I almost forgot.

We got orders for our next move, and for a time I was ecstatic. We were going to San Antonio Texas. This is a place my husband and I dreamed of retiring to. This was a place with good schools and good houses and good... everything. And just when everything looked like it was going to be gravy and jam and sunshine and rainbows we were given a last minute diversion. My husband was allowed to pick from 6 bases (4 of which we were okay with but NONE were ones we really really wanted) which was to be our new new home. I cried. I moaned. The girls cried. The husband bitched and groaned. And now we're going instead to a teeny tiny base out in the middle of no mans land in upstate California. Beale. Because his job will be "easier" there. Not because it'd be good for the rest of us. Nope. He just is tired of shagging ass every day and if he has to work somewhere that's not his dream he'd rather not work himself to death.

I have to respect that. I wanted one of the Carolinas or Georgia (closer to places I know and like) but the job there would be similar to the job here and he's exhausted with the job here. So, California it is.

To say I'm... less then pleased is overstating the thing.

Regardless. The saying goes "Bloom where you're planted" and while I may well refuse to bloom, since I'm a delicate fucking flower and prone to whining about everything, I shall adapt. I'm reasonably ok at adapting.

My teenager has been acting like a typical teenage girl. She found a boyfriend. She's had a few boyfriends now, and a girlfriend or two. Thus far her relationships have been perfectly acceptable. However she got herself caught up in a romance with a 19 (or is he 20?.. Regardless he's pretty much a kid too) year old enlisted boy. The military kind of looks down on underage (Even though she's 17, she's still underage!) Folks with their above legal age air people. So we had to break up the relationship with much fighting and drama from the teenager who accused us, the military, and me in particular of many awful things. Mostly, she cried.

Again, it's underestimating things to say that too distressed me a bit.

I'm overwhelmed. Quite at the end of my rope. If "god only gives you what he thinks you can handle" well then God is an ass and I don't like him much at the moment. It's rather a good thing I prefer to be an agnostic or my faith would be taking a bit of a blow with the latest developments.

All our nice warm weather blew away a couple weeks ago. I've been too busy fretting over changes and the move and the teenager to be bothered by the sudden drop in sunshine per day.

My sleep schedule is a hot mess, my hair is thinning, and I've been rather unwell feeling all due to stress. Kind of wish I had somehow managed to pick up a friend somewhere along the way just so I'd have someone to whine at about all this. The hubs isn't much of a sounding board since he's going through just as much if not more stress and frustration too.

I have a couple of buddies in Sacramento and Napa Vally so at least I'm not venturing into the unknown. And I'm really trying to locate and appreciate the bright side of the move. Right now I kind of just want it over and done with. I am partially anxious that they'll change things all over again. There's still a Month that they can screw us over in, after all. And I REFUSE to get excited until I'm fucking there. Then I can try to fall in love with my new location.

Mostly I'm mad. I'm mad that we lost San Antonio. It was a beautiful dream, and nearly a beautiful reality. I'm mad that of all the relationships my teenager could choose to get tangled in she choose one that would cause maximum drama and strife. I'm mad that I'm not coping better with things that are naturally occurring parts of life.

I'm mad as hell right now and I have nowhere to go and vent out my rage and frustration.

So I'm here instead. Blogging on my FAR underused blog. Writing into the ether of nothingness that is the internet and wondering if anyone even hears me.