Halfway through the dark.

We're just a few days shy of December 21st (Winter solstice)

I'm sorry. I don't believe it'll be the end of the world, just the darkest day of the year. After this one the sun will hang around a little longer.

we've had three days of rain, and after the last two weeks of (admittedly beautiful) snow, the warm (in comparison) weather and drizzle are welcome. We can drive again! I got to go to my favorite Christmas market and just soak up the local flair.

I'm telling ya kids, you want to go anywhere this time of year and see what the season should look like, come to Germany and hit some of the smaller township Christmas markets. The big ones are cool, but it's cute little river side towns, full of picturesque buildings, windy cobblestone roads, the smell of spiced wine, spiced nuts, and currywurst that'll do you in. That and there's a High percentage of men who accidentally look like Santa. Jolly men with red cheeks, white hair, and big booming laughs jostle for space in gluvine booths with everyone else.

It's glorious and it's almost over. The giddy glowing part of the season. One of my favorite times to visit towns and browse. But we're almost halfway through the dark. Just a few (too many) more months of cold and ick and then the buds will be back, the blush of spring.

Winter came (absolutely everywhere, and messily too!) and I'll be happy to see it go.

But I'll miss my Christmas markets. The dizzying smell of curry ketchup and fresh fried potato. spiced wine and giddy drunken Europeans that aren't shy about people watching right along side of me. Red cheeks and flashing teeth. Music on every corner, and winds that bite, but don't bite quite so hard now that there's a bit of Christmas spirit in the air. 

Oh, Monday.

Last day of my program today. We get weighed, measured, and worked out. From here on in I'm self motivated. 

I hope I can do this. The thickening layer of snow outside wants to argue with me that I can not. It's far too yucky out there to drive anywhere, right? It's far easier to do a little indoor attempt and pretend. But, mister snow, I say no.  I can do this. I can keep going. Even if I have to go in the extremely early mornings with my husband. If I have to go during the dinner hour to the yoga classes, if I have to carve out an hour and FORCE my stubborn soft bottom into the car, drive to the gym and throw myself at a tread mill.

I can do this. I will do this. I still have fat to shed. I still have muscle to gain. I still have something to prove. I will do this.

Gross piles of (god, it's pretty) snow or not. I shall. I'll get myself snow gloves, layer up and go play in it. I'll...

Right now I can feel that bitter dark part of me shaking it's metaphorical head in negation. I can feel the tug of the heavy gray clouds laden with snow and *weather. 

Right now I'm arguing with myself. there's a little child inside of me who grew up dreaming of white Christmases. There's a girl who wanted to make snow men. Who wanted to cut out snow flakes from paper and post them in frosted windows. There's a child who wondered what it felt like to catch a snow flake on her tongue. She's being held down by the bully in me. That stubborn itch who likes nothing more then grumping about everything scowling Scrooge like at the world and sarcastically mocking that inner child.

I WANT to let the kid win this round. I want to be enchanted and amazed.   Let's give that kid a chance. 

*"weather" must be said by drawing the word out like it smells of wee. Weather is not just climatic changes, it's everything that is horrible and gross and unsavory about the stuff that is NOT sunshine. 

on Last Firsts

It snowed yesterday.

I woke up, walked downstairs, mixed my coffee and gawped at the front window for what seemed like forever. It shouldn't have been a surprise  It was scheduled to snow both days this weekend, and it only snowed a little the night before last and a bit in the morning. I gaped because it was beautiful. My little slice of the world covered in white. I shivered in my skin thinking that within a few hours my family and I would be out walking in it. Mostly I stared, with big hungry eyes.

It was my last first German snowfall, at least for a VERY long time. Unless it gets unseasonably cold next year in early October next year, this is it. We'll be moving before next winter. Hopefully, we'll be reassigned to somewhere temperate. This. Beautiful deep, soft, blanket outside my window is the last one I'll be seeing out here in Germany.

There will be many more this winter. I have a feeling we're looking at a white winter. And, although I go along with my snow fearing husband and cranky teenager in pretending that I hate it, I don't. Just between you, me, and the internet I think snow is freaking magic. Oh it's COLD. And I'm no fan of cold. It's icky when it melts into slush puddles that have the consistency of the nastiest margarita mix EVER.

The snow itself? Pretty. I plan to get water resistant mittens so I can make a snow man next time.

But,
Don't tell my family. With the exception of our amazing little changeling child, the Ella monster, who likes what she likes regardless of popular opinion, my family is full of snow haters.

so.
sshhh!

meh

I'm having little mini emotional break downs on a semi regular basis.  I'm sad, due to the weather. I'm grumpy due to my emotional teenager taking out her angst on me and the rest of the family. I'm lonesome due to not having any real friends. I'm upset with myself over not loosing more then a pound over the series of this month.

I'm okay with the slow weight loss, I feel good about what I've done. I'm glad the program is almost over, because I'm ready to find something that works better for me.

My husband and I are trying to plan out our trip to celebrate 10 years of marriage. It's tedious at times, since we have yet to settle on a plan. I *think*  we're going to try to go out to Orlando, the shades of green resort.

I'm frustrated, because I REALLY want to get out of here, and we still have a little under a year before we can leave. There is nothing enchanting about November in Germany. It's foul, gray, foggy, wet, ugly, cold, and uninviting. The Christmas market just started or will be starting soon. The weekend trips to the markets will help relieve some of my stress and grumption over the weather.

We had a decent small family Thanksgiving. I made a turkey good enough that even my teenager, who claims to HATE turkey thought it was yummy. She also liked my two days later turkey soup. I still look forward to returning to the states so we can have a pleasant BIG family gathering.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm worn. I'm hoping that the ever present cloud cover lifts for a few days, but I truly doubt that it will. I just will wait. I'll keep trying to get in shape. And I plan to keep writing here. I may not have more then one or two followers, but this is MY blog. This is as good a place as any to document my small petty shallow little life.

Give me patience. Give me faith. Give me hope.

To move on to tomorrow and tomorrows tomorrow.

eating right.

I had an appointment with a nutritionist today. I was all nervous. Especially after Trainer Jen had given me a bit of grief over my eating habits. BUT! Nutritionist guy says: I'm right where I should be, maybe add a bit more protein. However! YAY!!! I'm right where I should be. Someone give me a high five. I'm a good girl!!


*bounces*

And next week I consult a lady who will help me plan out a better exercise regime. OMG. I'm, like, a healthy person.

No weight loss yet. I'm sloooooow. But I feel good. I'm a happy camper. I feel like this is the right path for me to follow to get to a healthy weight.

Today is another day of exercise. I'm liking trainer Jen, this jump start is exactly what I needed.

I'm sucking at word count, but as before predicted I knew I wouldn't make any kind of word count. I'm proud of myself for keeping track of this new start.

food rant.

Dear personal trainer Jen.

YOU, madam, are awesome. You really are. You're inspiring and pretty and talented. You push me to push me. You push me to NOT hurt myself. This is awesome. I KNOW you are well educated when it comes to fitness and exercise  I know you are educated about health. This is not concerning that.

You are NOT educated on my food needs. I share my food diary with you for my own reasons more then your comments. Your Friday comments make me rant and grump.

I do try to eat healthy. I am aware there's a slightly higher amount of sodium then most people eat. I KNOW this is not healthy. I KNOW I eat a lot of processed foods. Now, on the processed foods, this is because I have difficulty making the kinds of foods I can eat easily. I don;'t have tome to cook down veggies grains and meats into a product that pleases my stomach enough that I can keep it down. My little pouch is a picky bitch. I can't seem to properly help you understand that. So, we're both going to have to deal with the high level of processed "unnatural" foods I eat to live.

I think I eat pretty well. I eat proteins  veggies, fruits, and grain. I DO enjoy crackers. I LOVE cheese. Cheese is just about a perfect food for me. My tummy doesn't like "solid" veggies. Boiling them down takes out a lot of the good stuff, but it works when I do it. But, Jen, madam. I do what I must to survive another day.

She has referred me to a dietitian who has some experience with people who are post op RNY surgery. So! I'm scared (because I KNOW my vitamin levels aren't up to par) but I'm hoping his support will keep her off my back.

Anyway, after tomorrow I'll know more about what I need to be doing to stay healthy and perhaps even get healthier. Wish me mucho luck! <3 p="p">

on being female, on being me.

Oh the agony.

Dear "Aunt Flo" Fuck you very much. Nature? You, madam, are a royal bitch.

I am quite through making children. There SHOULD be a way to tell my body "thank you very much, but you can shut the baby factory down now" But nooooooo.

I went to my gym session sore, bloated, cranky, crabby,
nauseous, and in general NOT wanting to. I went. I did three hundred exercises. Woot! My body is achy and sore. I'm a little more then a little uncomfortable in my body.

I needed the cardio. It was nice talking to my trainer about my food issues without being judged for them. I feel like I'm slowly surpassing my current body stopping points.

So, yay for me.

I'm defiantly suffering from the beginnings of seasonal effective disorder.  I feel the darkness encroaching. I'm gloomy and grumpy. I feel like picking fights and whining about how unloved I am.

I feel unappreciated and unwanted. I know, now, that these feelings are attached to my low levels of sunlight absorption combined with the lack of "nice" days

I want winter to go away, and it's not even officially here yet.

Ah well. At least, I'll be in shape to fight the cold.

On word count, gym clothes, and choosing a goal.

So. I was bad this weekend. I actually HAD a weekend. Instead of fussing over word count, I decided to focus on quality instead of quantity. I KNOW that the whole November writing challenge thing is supposed to make us focus on getting in word count. It's supposed to help us focus on writing as much as you can without feeling forced to write a "proper" story.

But you know what? Fuck that. I'm going to write because I choose to write. I'm going to write to document my month. I did my second Monday of work outs yesterday. I played with a bar bell for the first time EVER. There were big buff scary "gym boys" in the free weight room. I'm not a huge fan of big buff scary gym boys. They're  almost always loud, stinky, and generally rude. They also look at me, in my over weight out of shape weird bodied self with utter contempt. Boys. *sigh*

So, it was fun having the "protective" barrier of three other women with me in the free weight room while I played with the big boy toys. I'm a tiny bit sore today, but I'm feeling much more comfortable with going to the gym. I'm actually HOPING for cardio tomorrow.

Now, gym clothes. I love my yoga pants. I'm comfortable in yoga pants! I'm even okay with yoga pants. I've found a couple sports bras that I like, two of them in a shocking hue of hot pink that tickles my happy. It's the shirts. I've BEEN wearing my comfortable geeky shirts. However, as much as I adore my geek shirts they don't stretch and move right. I WOULD wear tank tops. Tank tops make my arms look disgusting. I can't do them. What I need is a shirt made of a breathable wicking material that covers my under arm area, my tummy, and moves with me. I may end up checking the male shirts, since all the ladies shirts in my local store seem to be designed to bare more flesh instead of less.

I'm not losing weight YET, but it's only been a week. I haven't gained any weight. I already feel better, I believe weight loss will come soon.

Fuck you, qunioa

Dear Quinoa,

I get that you are a complete grain. I understand that you are healthy and full of protein.

However,  one would be led to think you were made of magic gold yummy happy sauce if you go look at all the health food recipes cropping up. To be honest, Quinoa,  I don't like you. No matter how I soak you, brine you, steam you, bake you, or prepare you you taste bitter and nasty. Your texture is just "wrong" on my tongue.  I'd rather use a slightly lesser grain and add some protein somewhere else to make up for you, and your utter yuckiness


Oh but heaven forbid I say anything. "Qunioa is full of happy magic rainbow unicorns" The healthy food elitists say "Quinoa has more protein then a bucket full of salmon seamen!"

Well they can HAVE you. If no one ever re-pins another picture of your freaky ass on pintrest it'll be too soon,Quinoa. I think you're disgusting.

Can people make some recipes without you? I can't even find them anymore! Oooh this is supposed to be healthy, let's invite quinoa to the party. It'll funk everything up! BLUUUGH!

WHAT DID YOU DO? Did you brain wash these silly wheat grass guzzling bitches somehow?

I'm not a 5 star cook, by any means. I can make an egg, and a white sauce. I can steam, fry, and bake well enough to feed myself. But I can NOT improve you, quinoa. You are a bitter disgusting grain. I don't care how magical you are. I refuse to eat you.

In conclusion, FUCK you quinoa. Fuck you straight to the bowls and bowels of hell.

nothing..

Nothing, nothing tra la la. Nothing to see here. Carry on. Move forward  I have next to nothing to write.

I'm HUNGRY today.  The soreness of over stressed muscles isn't as bad. I didn't achieve much in productivity other then stick close to my diet. Well, I cleaned out my fridge, but it was disgusting. I need that thing to be clean so I can make with the healthy eating. I was way under my calorie count according to my calorie tracker, so I MAY allow myself one or two VERY small night time indulgences. I don't want to send my body into starvation mode, after all.

getting in word count makes me feel like I'm blathering. Let's see.


Instead let's talk about a tiny episode of cyber bullying my Daughter experienced recently.

For some back round. My teenage daughter is Brilliant. according to tests she's well above collage level when it comes to comprehension. When my kiddo gets something she GETS it. Her major challenge is a devastating curse of dyslexia and dysgraphia. When she puts things up on her face book page the spelling style brings to mind the I Can Haz Cheezeburger memes. She spells things phonetically, but when impassioned she gets as close to the word as she can and just runs with it. For anyone that doesn't KNOW my kid, it's a pain in the eyes to read.

Now, she's smart. She's impassioned. She was going on a rant about the over abundance of political misinformation that was running  rampant in her school. She wrote a smart sassy rant that pretty much stated her opinion. She STARTED it warning people it was a rant.

Some dumb ass who she'd allowed to be her face book friend told her she was stupid, her opinions were stupid and asked how anyone could take her seriously if she couldn't even spell. After she (and a large percentage of people who actually *know* her) attempted to correct him, he claimed she was doing it to be cute.

My smart, my brilliant, my amazing daughter said. To be cute? I'm already cute. I do this because I have no choice

That's my kid. It's amazing that she has a strong group of people who are willing to stand up and fight for her. It's amazing that she has enough will power to stand up and defend herself. THIS is the way all cyber bullying stories should end. With the bullied shaking their head in disappointment and the bully sulking off into the shadows tail firmly tucked between their legs.

I wish more kids were as fortunate as mine. MORE SO I wish there were more parents willing to teach their children that mindless comments CAN and DO hurt others. That words can be weapons, and should be handled with the same caution.

on skipped days

Well. I forgot a day. I can't say I didn't think about blogging yesterday. I simply.. didn't. I was sore and tired. My first workout was torture. I nearly blacked out. I'm the fattest girl out of four. I'm the most out of shape. I NEED to learn to pace myself. I need to prepare better today.

I was so sore that I didn't sleep through the night. So yesterday I awoke early, feeling dead. It was roughly 4 o'clock when I was dragged unwillingly out of bed by my sore aching body. It refused to allow me to sleep even a moment more. So. Up I was, if I wanted to be or not. It most certainly was not.

I made coffee. I made tea. I rubbed ointment into my aching muscles, and I read. I read and read and tried to ignore the screaming aching soreness of my body. I ate sensibly and tried not to think of the fact that every time I stood up my legs shrieked agony and protest. Right around noon I slept. I napped wrapped in a blanket. It was nice. I hurt slightly less when I woke up two hours later.

Today I go again. I ache. My legs still scream at me, but I feel better. I don't know how much I can do this afternoon. I am scared of hurting more than I did yesterday. I will prepare myself before the workout with proper eating and proper attire. I'm freezing my water bottle so my water will be cold enough to cool me from the inside.

I also need to cut back on my e-cig use. I think that less nicotine may help.

I've noticed that I don't have more then one sports bra, which I will correct this afternoon. My workout clothes seem to be yoga pants and a range of truly adorable tee shirts with the collars cut out. I HATE the texture of tee shirt collars.

So. I was a naughty half dead girl yesterday and avoided my blog. I Like my trainer. I like the other ladies in my class. And if it doesn't kill me it MAY well actually make me stronger. I'm just very very sore.

I have a few errands to run today. I got the teenager all updated on her shots.  The littler one will have to wait until the clinic gets in more shots for the younger set. I'm avoiding getting a flu shot, due to being very prone to getting sick when I get the shots.

This weekend will test my diet a bit. I'm going to allow myself the bit of weakness. We don't get to go out very often. Belgian chocolate may be my weakness, but as long as I eat honestly and consecutively I can allow myself a little.

Now I know a lot of people are all about politics today. I DO care about the state of the country that I will returning to tomorrow, but I REFUSE to get into my personal political views. My Mom, Dad, Sister, and Brother in law are all VERY very very conservative. I'm... less so. I love them enough to not want to offend people like them by going into my slightly less conservative political views.

Religion is still potential, as none of them are deep true believers, and few people I care to meet are. So! I may yet get all metaphysical, spiritual, and giddy goofy about my messed up set of religious theologies. I know my papers in Theology class were well enough argued to impress my teacher and earn me excellent grades.

Now. I need to go run errands. So despite my pitiful word count. I accept that I have done my best.


~ Part two~

It's now evening. I wrote the previous bit in the morning. The work out wasn't as bad. Oh it was BAD but it wasn't AS bad. I am still sore and ache. I still hurt in fun new places. However, this time I was smart enough to go outside when I felt myself over heating. I WILL push myself. I WILL do my best and get my moneys worth. But I refuse to get to that "feeling like I'm going to pass out" point. There was a "fun" exercise that led me to cursing. We sat against a wall as if we were sitting on a chair. except that where the seat of the char would be there was just air and the muscles of leg and thigh to hold up the weight. I had to stand up and break each time. I really pushed that one!

Doing push ups I built up a serious hard level of sweat. I swear I was pouring buckets out of my pores. I can't do very good push ups, but I did my best. And I pushed SOMETHING. I pushed so hard that sweat leaked out of every available pore.

So. I feel better about the work out. I'm confident that I can continue this until it's end. I think it'll help with my weight loss too.

Monday, Nerves of marshmellow

In four hours I start my first class at the "Weight loss clinic" I'm nervous but ready.  In preparation I bought a new scale. I now know exactly how much I weigh, which is a bit more then I'd like. I washed all my sports gear. Okay, FINE I washed My yoga pants and favorite geek themed tee shirts. I'm wearing my Reaver BBQ shirt to my first class. I wonder how many of the girls are Firefly / Serenity fans? My vote is none and the shirt will not be understood by one hundred percent of the class. Oh well.

I have assigned myself the chore of doing dishes and prepping everything for dinner for the family. That way all the husband has to do is throw the chicken in the oven and turn on the stove for the corn. Dishes are about half done. I have to soon go rushing out to drop the youngest daughter off at her Taekwondo class and then rushing to go get husband to pick him up for work, and finally we trade off with the car so he can drop me off for my class.

Since I have a couple hours of time I have decided to work on the blog. I may not have much meaningful to write here. However, the challenge of daily writing, and putting as much effort into a high word count as possible, has been an interesting venture. I am only a few days into this challenge and I can already see that this is worth wile.

I think next year I *will* tackle a true writing challenge. I'll be settled or preparing to settle into my new area of residence. I for see a lot of struggles and challenges. I think immersing myself into writing fiction for that time period will be soothing to my frazzled nerves. I have a bunch of old story ideas I could use. And if nothing else perhaps I could explore those worlds again and see if any of them bear actual story fruit.

Thursday Hulu should drop my new episode of supernatural into my cue. I feel strangely guilty for enjoying this show. Especially for enjoying it as much as I do. I am very attracted to a few of the characters  and that is probably the root of my discomfort. While I tend to refuse to watch a show if I'm not engaged or interested in at least ONE of the people in it, I've rarely been this into them. I find myself yelling silly things like "NOW KISS!" at Cas and Dean. Or "TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!" *sigh* I'm really glad I watch it when no one else is at home. Not that my family would mind, but the silliness of these feelings would lead me to enjoy the show much less. I do truly enjoy the story arc and a LOT of the goofier episodes are my favorites. I'd watch something else but my other favorite shows are on hold, or just not as fascinating currently.

Husband man and I have been spending our evenings bonding over Star Trek. I'm really enjoying the time with him, and the chance to share something we both enjoy watching. I usually crochet while watching or man my twitter feed. My Attention Deficit disorder keeps me from being fully able to JUST watch a show. I have to have a second thing going. That's okay, since I'd like to get my daughters crocheted vest finished BEFORE the end of the year so I can get started on a blanket for the younger kidlet.

 I am not ready to decide if I'm going to succeed in this weight loss thing. I HOPE so. I do need to shed these extra pounds. I've never done a "weight loss clinic" before. To be honest right now I have nerves of marshmallow. I have already paid the money so I WILL commit the time. I'll blog tomorrow, while I'm all sore and ache, on how it went and how I feel about it over all. I look forward to the chance of mild socialization. There really aren't a lot of people that I interact with on a day to day basis.

SO! For today I think that's enough nerve count. Time to shore up my marshmallow nerves with a tooth pick or two. Time to finish those dishes and listen to a story on my ipod. TIME to get to it.

Sunday inspiration

I think I need to think about inspiration. Today I find myself dragging my metaphysical feet at the idea of writing a blog. There isn't much I feel up to talking about.

So, let's discuss inspiration. I have a very comfortable life. I am a spoiled little house wife given everything I need and quite a bit of what I want. Great inspiration is often born for me from hardships. To be honest I don't really have many.

My two daughters are maturing wonderfully. They will be, from what I have seen of them, amazing adults. They will be the type of ladies that other people look forward to seeing every day.

My husband loves and cherishes me. We have tiny little squabbles that we resolve like grown ass adults by talking them through and working them out. We still hold hands in public. We kiss each other every day. We make it a point to say "I love you."  It's the type of marriage I know MANY people wish they had. He's a hard working man who still manages to try to find time for me and the kids. Perhaps he doesn't find quite as much with the girls as I'd like, but they love and adore him, so there's not much to worry about.

Despite being out in the middle of no fuck where Germany I have all the basic human comforts I need. Not as much sunshine as my desert dwelling soul is accustomed to, but I have food, comfortable clothes, a warm bed, and a husband to share it with.

So, where, do I go to find my inspiration?

I can't tell you.

NaNoJourMo Satyr day ;)

The topic deluxe of the day is weight, weight management, feeling fat, feeling ugly, all my myriad insecurities, and fun food issues.


Hey kids! Guess what? I am signing up for a fitness and weight loss course. Over a total of twelve sessions, one session three times a week, I'll be seeing a personal trainer! I told you we'd get into me tackling my weight along with me tackling my word count.

It's confession time. I currently weight somewhere over one hundred and sixty pounds. I can't tell you how much over because my current scale is crap and hidden in my bathroom. Part of this challenge will be getting a NEW SCALE! YAY! I really need a good scale.

So. I'm excited, I'm nervous, but I'm hoping this will help. I go and sign up and give the gym my money and they give me a session with a small group of ladies starting this Monday at four pm.

I have hope. I have a weight goal of roughly one hundred and thirty five pounds. I would be perfectly happy at one hundred and forty to one hundred and fifty pounds. I just need to shed a bit of this extra. I know my current weight is no where near as unhealthy as it once was, however I FEEL uncomfortable in my body. I feel fat and ugly and horrible. I've noticed that I get winded easier. Movement is harder. Stretching is uncomfortable. I know this is not where I want to be. I want to feel GOOD in my body regardless what the number on the scale is. I don't currently feel good in my body. I feel WRONG. Just absolutely wrong.

I'm hoping these personal fitness sessions will help.

I also seriously need to sit down with myself and make some serious decisions concerning food. I know that currently my diet is not absolutely horrible, but it certainly could improve by a LOT.

I need to up my liquid intake. I plan on doing this by brewing then refrigerating green tea sweetened with a little honey and flavored with citrus flavors. Green tea has a nice caffeine boost, along with lots of body positive stuff. Honey is one of the few sweeteners I can think of that is not proven to be terrible for me. Citrus gives me a boost of vitamin C and has a nice pleasant "sunny" taste that makes me think of summer, warm weather, and happier times.

I'm also going to reduce my intake of my beloved coke zero. It may not have any bad calories, but I think the artificial sweetener may be causing me to crave real sweets.

There will be absolutely no change in crystal light. Even though it's not the best for me it flavors bland water into something I want to drink three times a day. Drinking liquid is GOOD, so crystal light is also good.

Food wise. Oh dear. I've been naughty about adding in a lot of sugar and fat. I stopped buying chips but now bad for me food is sneaking in as gummy candies, chocolates, and other nasty diet betrayers. Cheese is staying, I don't eat much bread so that's going to stay the same.

Meats, also the same. I really need to focus in on eating more veggies and a few fruits. This has always been hard for me. My surgically altered tummy has a hard time with most veggies. I can fix this by steaming them. Even steaming takes out some of the good for me stuff, but as long as my tummy allows it past it's good stuff.

The other hard part of changing up my diet isn't the change itself, but the temptations. I can resist buying naughty things for myself at the market. My husband and underweight daughter both require snacks to take to work and school. Snacks for when they get home. These snacks provide THEM with much needed calories. However, the temptation to take one of their yummy snacks is very hard to resist  Especially at about eleven when I'm staying up far too late then I should. I can work on this. I hope I can succeed  Food has always been my weak point. Laziness is bad enough, but my sweet tooth is my worst feature.

I have a lot of hope for this. I'll be posting on the routine and what I am getting from it as things progress. Talking through it adds to my word count (YAY!) and keeps me honest with myself and you humble reader.

Friday nanojourwrimo

The topic of the day is weather, and my over all feelings about living out here. My Feelings on Germany, and an in general rant on life, living, and that which is.

Germany. I have not experienced you to the fullest. Nor shall I. I couldn't learn the language, and to be honest I didn't try hard enough. German is a harsh and unattractive sounding language. There are a lot of complex compound words and fun added letters (like that B/Z thing that sounds sorta like a double s) in you. I couldn't fall in love with the language. I may have tackled french, Spanish, or Italian. German, not so much.

Part of my problem with living here is my location. I'm a half an hour drive from local German markets. I have an on base grocery store where they speak English and carry mostly American imported products. If I want German products (and there are a LOT I like) I have to go for a drive. In the summer, late spring or early Fall this isn't so much an issue. Although we are a one car household and the hubs works a Bazillion hours a week we've worked out a system of car sharing that works for us.

Winter. That cruel chill mistress is my problem. I have serious seasonal effective disorder. I can't drive well on icy roads and I'm not as experienced a driver as many others. I don't drive well in "weather" which is all we really GET in the winter. rain snow sleet, hail, fog, gloom, oh gawds the WEATHER.

So come winter my driving and desire to GO out diminishes. If I want my out of town goodies I beg the hubs to drive me or just do without.

I'm not a fan of weather. Snow certainly LOOKS pretty out the window  As I sit curled up next to my "happy lamp" whimpering for sunshine. Ice sparkles quite merrily falling from the sky. Rain refreshes the fertile ground and those first spikes of frost chill the grapes that are used to make ice wine, my absolute favorite alcoholic treat.

The Christmas markets here are utter magic. The sudden appearance of tiny decorated booths in the cities, stocked with hot mulled wine, interesting foods, hot fries and curried ketchup for dipping. The music and ATMOSPHERE! Make Christmas worth looking forward to. All of late November and Early December these Markets help stave off the bitterness that is winter for me. Just the promise of going to one is enough to calm my temper and soothe my soul. I'm okay in early winter. It's cold. It's gross, but GLUVINE! <3 all="all" awaits.="awaits." breaths="breaths" christmas="christmas" em="em" hold="hold" nbsp="nbsp" next="next" of="of" our="our" out="out" passes.="passes." plotting="plotting" sparkle="sparkle" style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: 23.636363983154297px;" the="the" then="then" we="we">anniversary
. It'll be Ten years this time. That's a BIG FUCKING DEAL you guys. But once January first or whenever after we've deemed to celebrate passes, that's when the doldrums set in.
January and February are long sad spans of cold and nothing and cold and want. I spend all of it longing for sunshine. I spend all of it regretting our decisions to push for international travel. I spend all of it sad. So. Damn. Sad. The last two years I've talked the husband into a March Vacation. By March I'm limp. I'm winter weary. I want to go HOME. I want to see someone I love other then my little 4 person household. The last two years it's worked fine.

I don't know if it will this year.

We're leaving here sometime next year.  We have ONE year left out here in Germany. And as much as he likes to make promises I don't think we'll see much more then we've seen. Not unless I push and pull and tug and force and BOSS my way into getting it. I get called BOSSY and Pushy, and domineering a lot by my family, but they'd do NOTHING interesting if it weren't for my spirit and drive. the whole lazy lot of them would sit around and bitch and moan and never go ANYWHERE interesting. I, on the other hand, have Europe right here. A short flight,long train ride or LONG car drive away. I have the other half of the globe to explore, and BY god I shall.

This year (and next) Before we flee: I want to see the Mediterranean ocean. I WILL see Ireland in the summer, I want to go to London, I want to hit France and Italy again. ROME! And if I can, if I can, if I CAN I'd love to see Greece. But Greece, for some reason is scary to the husband. The economy and state of affairs is a bit too unstable for mister dedicated military. It's the same reason I won't be going to Egypt. Le sigh.

To be honest. I'm ready to go to my next home and make it home. I'm ready to set down roots of a slightly more permanent nature. I'm ready to speak the native tongue again. I'm so tired of speaking the language badly. I'm so tired of having to go so far for simple small things. I'm tired of bad coffee. Oh SO tired of bad coffee.

I want to be an entitled American again. Connivance within a 10 minute drive again. Coffee shops on every corner again. Hopefully, sunshine more days of the year again. A pool at the gym again.

Fall fell. The leaves, glorious and short lived have all but some tumbled to the ground in soggy sodden masses. The glory of October (and it really is one of my favorite Months out here) burned out magnificently. And now it's gone. The end of fall was ushered in with wet snow flakes and a week of gloom. Winter is coming. Winter is almost here. I'm not ready. I'm not prepared. I'm scared shitless, to be honest with you. But I'm going to *try* to get the most out of it. Because it is going to be my last "German" winter. It's going to be my last "foreign" winter (if the military wills it so) for a long time. Because it's my last here, I'll try. I'll try. To find beauty in that which I abhor. I'll attempt to find peace with my issues. I'll try to find a way to make it through. Because next year? Next year everything is going to start changing. Next year we find OUT. Next year we get assigned somewhere new. NEXT YEAR! We go home. Where ever that may be.

NaNoWriMo.. sort of

Inspired by a few of my internet friends and idols I've decided to tackle National Novel writing month.  Sort of. Since I've given up on the idea of writing "stories" I'm going to tackle my online journal instead. So, like my internet hero and Psudopod Superstar Alasdair Stuart ( link!  http://www.alasdairstuart.com ) I'm taking on the National Journal writing month challenge. It may not be the same thing at ALL! But It's a chance to write. To re-embrace that which I was once so passionate about and rarely do any more.

 Here are some topic ideas:

 There's fan type stuff. Husband and I just polished off ALL of Star trek the next generation and skipped Merrily past Star trek Deep space Nine  straight over to Star Trek Voyager. I'm all deeply and sadly entrenched into Supernatural fandom. I've got the waiting game to play with Who and Sherlock. Then there's the tease of Community coming back in February.

There's Local Weirdo American in Germany stuff to go about. The Christmas Markets start up in a few weeks. We're also planning a trip out to Belgium so I can go shopping for a "Gift basket" for Husbands Squadron, really so he can take me on a date that's desperately needed.

There is the business of being a Mom. I can rant on and on about my head strong teen age daughter and her first world problems. Or my endearingly odd ball of a nine year old and her adventures in martial arts. 

Oh! My health and weight! That's always a fun one. I've put on far more weight then I'm currently comfortable with. I can double down on challenges this moth and tackle my complicated food and exercise daemons WHILE taking on the word count challenge. Fuck yeah. Let's do this thing.

I can opine over how much I'm excited over finally having a yard next year and how mildly obsessed I've become with pet chickens. Husband has taken to calling me "Chicken gazer" and I now know way more about chickens then the average person who owns zero of them. 

We can go deep into my personal metaphysics! That could be fun. If a little controversial  Meh fuck it I only have like three followers anyway. (HI GUYS! I love you!) 

So there we go. A list of ideas. I will write as much as I can on any given topic as long as I can on any day that I have internet access. Out here the internets can get weak and kind of wobbly, but I can compose journal OFFLINE and post them the next day. So, the internet being unreliable is NO EXCUSE (You hear that lazy part of my brain?) for slacking. 

Wish me luck internets. This looks to be a long month. And a BIG challenge. 

Why I am

I'd like to take a moment. To tip my hat.

When my daughter "came out of the closet" my reaction was. "Oh, cool. Ok." And we ran with it. I've always known she was a little diffrent, but I choose to allow my children to be themselves and nourish and nurture every amazing little thing about them.

I myself am, after all, a little queer.

I may not be a butch, or a lesbian, or even a very good bisexual. After all, I'm monogamous. But since my definition for queer is.. well it's just "Different from the norm" I am most assuredly quite queer.

I am this way because my father let me climb trees in dresses. My mother while not really understanding it, let me date a girl without any real fuss. My uncles and aunts, bless their crazy Irish Catholic hearts, loved me.

I am this way thanks in part to my uncle Tommy. He died quietly, still a little in the closet of double phenomena brought on by HIV. He refused treatment. He thought he deserved the disease.

I never want any person I know or meet to feel that way. Like they have to hide who they are. The only way I can do this is by lving loud and brave and proud of who I am and what I believe. If my beautiful queer teenage daughter can strut her amazing self down the street with her head held high, then I am doing my job right.

And, don't tell her this.. it'd swell an already overlarge ego. But damn I'm proud. I'm proud of her. I'm proud of me. And I'm a little proud of Tommy, who pulled me aside in a soft sweet hug once before he left us too soon. And said "I love you, Amber. I love you no matter who you love. You know that right?" And I said "Ditto, Tommy. Ditto"

My requirements in a minion (Goofy time writing)

There may well be a reason I don't have a minion, or minions.

My requirement list is just silly stupid long. My Man servant (lady servant? Whatever) Must:

• Be capable of prepping me easy to digest nutritious foods that make me make happy numming noises.
• Have a perfect cup of coffee ready when ever I require it.
• Have knowledge of a nearly inexhaustible supply of interesting movies, music, comics, and stories at any given time for when I am bored.
• Be able to act surprised and excited when I suggest that we watch (read, listen to) one of my favorites (again)
• Be attractive to the eye without being so pretty it's distracting
• be quick of wit and deft of hand
• give PERFECT back rubs
• give the kind of foot rubs that make people cry with joy
• LIKE traveling interesting places
• Be a good driver
• ENJOY going or car rides
• Like it when *I* drive
• Like going out dancing
• Be a good patient teacher
• Be a good listener
• Be a creative conversationalist
• Say I'm Pretty often AND mean it!
• be somewhat skilled with the care and management of children, pets, and houseplants
• have access to any weapons,agencies, equipment I may need at any given time for a plan
• Always have a way of getting us out of any trouble I manage to get us into
• know how to procure ice crushed the way I like it
• be willing to go clothes shopping with me AND capable of helping me find things that Fit and Flatter! BY GODS!
• look cute in light blue.

So.. there's some of them.. The many reasons I don't have a minion or legion of them. This person (persons?) does not exist. and if they did? There's no way in the Blue Hades they'd work for me, especially since I pay in cheese and hugs.

terms

I'm having difficulty coming to terms with who I am In this moment. I know who I am to others. I am: Mother, Wife, Friend, Lover, counselor, nemesis, that bitch, some girl, some woman, That kids mom, etc..

To me?

Who am I to me?

It's a mystery. I know I'm not good enough for me, yet. I'm working on getting there, but I'm feeling rather stuck. The jobs aren't plentiful anywhere. I'm under educated, lazy, have sparse hours I'm able to leave the house without arranging care for my younger child (and I won't) and stubborn.

I could go back to school, but it's only available online. I'm not a big fan of online classes. I LOVE the classroom experience. There's something special about learning in person.

I'm also..

falling into a very odd very long distance friendship circumstance I find baffling, dizzying, and wonderful. My hubs is glad I'm happy, a little jealous, and more then anything his usual distant self.

We had a wonderful romantic get away that missed the romance but was RICH in adventure and experience and the strengthening of our amazing friendship. I wasn't worried about our friendship. He is and always will be my very best friend.

I was just, stupidly, hoping for a little more sweetness. A little more sexiness. An extra spark to the kisses, a little.. something that wasn't there. Not even in the most magical place on earth were we able to make magic for each other.

And that makes me a little sad. But.. It is what is has been and I suppose what it always will be. I accepted a LONG time ago who he was.

But Who am I?

why am I here?

and what am I going to do about..

this?

I'll do what I always do. I'll ROLL! Baby roll with it and ride and hope I don't hurt myself too bad when I inevitably fall.