My requirements in a minion (Goofy time writing)

There may well be a reason I don't have a minion, or minions.

My requirement list is just silly stupid long. My Man servant (lady servant? Whatever) Must:

• Be capable of prepping me easy to digest nutritious foods that make me make happy numming noises.
• Have a perfect cup of coffee ready when ever I require it.
• Have knowledge of a nearly inexhaustible supply of interesting movies, music, comics, and stories at any given time for when I am bored.
• Be able to act surprised and excited when I suggest that we watch (read, listen to) one of my favorites (again)
• Be attractive to the eye without being so pretty it's distracting
• be quick of wit and deft of hand
• give PERFECT back rubs
• give the kind of foot rubs that make people cry with joy
• LIKE traveling interesting places
• Be a good driver
• ENJOY going or car rides
• Like it when *I* drive
• Like going out dancing
• Be a good patient teacher
• Be a good listener
• Be a creative conversationalist
• Say I'm Pretty often AND mean it!
• be somewhat skilled with the care and management of children, pets, and houseplants
• have access to any weapons,agencies, equipment I may need at any given time for a plan
• Always have a way of getting us out of any trouble I manage to get us into
• know how to procure ice crushed the way I like it
• be willing to go clothes shopping with me AND capable of helping me find things that Fit and Flatter! BY GODS!
• look cute in light blue.

So.. there's some of them.. The many reasons I don't have a minion or legion of them. This person (persons?) does not exist. and if they did? There's no way in the Blue Hades they'd work for me, especially since I pay in cheese and hugs.