30 days of letters, Day 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Uncle Tommy,

I wish I had a chance to tell you how much we have in common now.

Unlike some of the things you struggled with, I have acceptance (for the most part). I can't imagine a life of having to hide. Of having to lie about your "Friend" of having to like about your sickness later on. I wish you'd tried treatment. I wish you'd hung around a little longer. You were my favorite uncle, you still are. I at least got to tell you that.

You didn't get a chance to see me change. But I know you'd be proud of the woman I have become. I'm strong, Tommy.
I'm beautiful, Tommy. And I am taking everything that was sweet and joyous that I knew of you and keeping it bright and glowing in my life. I'm OUT, Tommy! I'm open. I love you, and miss you, and understand your struggles.

I'm helping other people be okay with themselves and accepting their best selves. I'm raising my children with open minds.

I'm never 15 minutes late, but when someone is I smile just a little and think of you. You and your special "Denton" time. I think of piano music floating through the house, and you sitting on the bench next to a very young pigtailed freckled me guiding my awkward fingers through ode to joy.

I still play it Tommy. I wish I could play more, but I can still play ode to joy. I think of playing tag, and being lifted and spun until I was dizzy and giddy and silly.

Thank you. You, ginger haired and beautiful. You silly, smiling, and sweet. You and everything that was the best about you.
A piece of you lives in me forever. I love you.

~A

30 days of letters, day 10: Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Hey sweetie.

You knew you'd be getting one of these. You'll probably get more letters as this experiment continues. I miss you. I miss you so much every day. There are moments where I'm okay. Where I am dealing as best I can with the world. Where for a whole breath, for a whole heartbeat I am perfectly allright. Where I can cope in this moment without you. And then the ache in my heart opens. Then my stomach drops, then I exhale. And I miss you all over again. I'm just barely handling the world on my own. I'm just barely dealing with each day as it comes. I'm trying so hard not to feel like you have abandoned me.

I know I'm more important then your job.
I know you're mine.
And yet I don't truly believe it. You belong to them first. You always will. You belong to your job, to your world. If you were truly mine you'd try harder. I just know it. But I lso know that's a "feeling" and not reality.


I CAN NOT do this on my own. I'm having a hard enough time taking care of our children. Of my self. Of my sanity. I can't take care of you right now. You're too damn far away.

And what's more, I shouldn't have to.

ALSO! These things I'm asking for aren't so extreme. Your fear will push me further into it, not away. You should know this. Please join me. Please take my hand. Let's travel the path of life together. Don't leave me alone, in the dark.

I love you babe.

~A

30 days of letters, Day 9: someone I wish I could meet.

This is a hard one. I can't say there's any particular person I want to meet, who is alive and kicking in todays world.

Past? I can do that. We'll pretend that he can understand my slang. Since he can receive a letter from the future and all.. Even these letters are really for me not them so :P

Nikola Tesla,

Dear sir,

I would like to humbly thank you for.. everything. Your impact on my personal life has been extreme. Your vision and inventions changed the flow of history. If I could travel back in time I'd shake your hand.
Or as Spider Robinson would put it:

I, madam, I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I?

He's a bit of a fan of yours too. And more likely to get to meet you being a time traveling science fiction writer himself.

The future is even more mad then you could have envisioned. Probably only about 1/4 as interesting as it would have been if people had listened to you a bit more.

yours,
~A

30 days of letters, Day 8: My favourite internet friend

OOps! missed a post yesterday, but I'll make it up by pretending it didn't happen.
~~~~
"Puff"

Oh you shining star! I have had the pleasure to meet you already once. And I'm really hoping to meet you again next month if $$ and time comply. Sure it's a day drive with kidlets in tow, but you, you are amazing.
Strong, beautiful, and human. I'd have never done ToI if I hadn't thought there'd be a chance of being part of the puffkateer crew.
Wish I were state side longer so we can hang more then once more! However: 3 years ain't so long and I have this way of adopting friends for a good long time.

Thanks for being my internet friend, my favorite blogress, my guide to all things vaping. Thanks!

Gloata FTW!

~"Bug"

And to the rest of Gloata, to the puffkateers, to the "vape" community: Wow! We're like the cool nicotine version of AA without the A or the A or bad coffee.. actually we're nothing like that at all. NM. ;)

30 days of letters: Day 7, Your Ex-partner/love/crush

S,

Don't get riled.Thanks for the papers. Thanks for not asking for much. Thanks for keeping your distance and moving on. I'm pretty sure I have at last reached the point where I can say "I forgive you" and "I hope life turns out okay for you".

Just as long as you stay waaaaaaaay over there.

We were both young. And dumb. And I'm sure I made as many mistakes as you did. I'm sure it couldn't be as bad as it's painted in some of my nightmares. Even if it was? You're forgiven, from afar.

She looks a little like you. And she's beautiful. She looks a little like me. And she's amazing. I can't hate or spite someone who gave me someone so amazing to spend time with. She's... a gift. I sorry you'll only ever see small pictures of her.

So thank you. But, keep your distance. We're defiantly better like this.

your ex.

30 days of letters. Day 6: to a stranger.

You,

You know who you are. Stop the hate. Stop the venom. Hurt is good for no one. I can't stand by and abide by this. I can't just watch from the side. And Yet I have to. It's not my place, except that it is. NO ONE deserves to be treated with hate. No one deserves to have their feelings and needs dismissed. I am not strong enough to physically take this on. I'm not strong in any way, except opinion. And you, stranger, are WRONG. Your choice is wrong. Your current opinion and belief set is wrong. Why must you take your pain out on others. We both know it's you that aches.

Let someone help you.

And stop hurting others.

Please?
~A

State of mind

OK! So FML.

I'm already in debt due to dental bills and I'm going to be beholden to another.

On the upside? Ian has his papers. They're in transit to Germany. On the downside? We'll probably be denied unless I get two more teeth pulled STAT.

FML. I Hate dentists.

Plus there's a chance we'll get denied anyway due to Shades IEP.

FML.

That'd mean us going back to AZ

This whole year apart and everything that has happened would be for nothing.

FML.

I'm making appointments. Making arrangements. Getting the kiddos in school and setting my hopes on approval.

He may be in Korea until late September.

He misses me though.

FML.

*cries*

I'll put in todays letter for the 30 days of letters project later. I just needed to rant. Kthxbai.

30 days of letters. Day 5: my dreams

Dear dreams,

I want you back! Last night was the first time in a long while I've had a dream that I remember. I used to have such gorgeous deep vivid dreams. Dreams that would stick with me through the day. I'd have epic dreams, stuff that would amuse and inspire. Dreams that would help me define the way I felt about the people and places in my world. Somehow, somewhere, I lost you.

Dreams, I promise I'll pay attention to you.
Dreams: I cherish you!

Please come back!

Or am I writing to the dreams I have for my life: Dream: I'm on my way. I have made some small steps toward the goal of becoming a laughter therapist. This will happen!

Or perhaps to my day dreams? Diversions and distractions that fill my days. Those I have had a plethora of. I need to work on defining these hazy fantasies instead of getting lost in the shiny and gloss of wish and want. I can spend hours staring into space, lost in though, lost in dream. These dreams perhaps I can work on transferring to the night. Perhaps I can work on making these clearer.

I'll learn better to listen to the dreams. Dreams are important stuff. The web of the subconscious is such a magnificent place. It's finding my way through it.

Dreams. I'm here. I'm waiting!

30 days of letters. Day 4: Letter to my sibling (or close relative)

Day 4 letter to my closest sibling. I have two siblings- a brother and a sister. My brother is an eternal pothead-Peter Pan. But, my sister is one of my best friends and a truly good human. SO! Since I miss her:

D'ropal,

My sweetheart! California is so far. And this year has been as full of hardships and blessings for you as it has been for me. You're almost ready to pop out your son, and I'm so excited to have another nephew! I wish I could meet him now, but I'll settle for soon!

You always have been and always will be the coolest chick I've ever known. It's been amazing watching you grow up and mature. I love you! It's baffling to me that I'm older and yet I still want to "grow up" to be like you.

You of all people seem to understand my troubles and hardships the most, and you seem the least willing to share your own problems. I wish I could lend you even one fourth the support you've given me. Aww kiddo! Keep me up to date? Keep those pictures coming. Call when you can! I'll call you once this most recent stint of B.S. passes so I can be happy with and for you instead of stressed.

Keep being Awesome!

30 days of letters day 3: My parents

Dear mom and dad!

Mom. Yes, you were right. Things would have been easier if I'd stayed in A.Z. Yes Daddio. Winter is cold. Regardless of the hardships I still don't regret making the choice to move out here. YES it's been hard. IT's going to be even harder living in Germany. This year was about starting to step away, starting to separate. It's going to be even harder and lonelier without you nearby when I'm so very very far away.

Mom. You don't have to love my choices for hair color and piercing. But suggesting that I'm literally insane is hurtful. Dad, I think I know why you're not talking to me. I'm sorry you're still grieving too. I wish, for that at least, that I were closer. I know Naunies death hit you hard. It hit me hard and I'm removed by a generation. I learned my emotional coping skills from you so.. I understand at least to some extent. I love you Daddy.

I'm sorry your two daughters had to grow up and move so far away while you son refuses to do either. Life is strange and complex. I can only hope to emulate the good and try to learn from the bad. I hope my daughters gain from my experience. I already catch myself at all kinds of moments giggling as I realize you were both right about something I stubbornly refused to believe as a child. Life is it's own greatest teacher sometimes.

I DO miss you both. I wish it weren't such a far drive or I'd be at your doorstep in a moment. I hope the next few years are full of joy in our separate worlds. No more badness. I'm hoping you can come visit us in Germany, or we can come visit Stateside.

Love always your 'bRosie

30 days of letters. Day 2

Day 2 challenge is a letter to my partner/crush. SO! For my beloved.

Hubs,

Today is harder then usual. You were supposed to be home. We were supposed to be in St. Louis having a small second honey moon. Instead.. Instead we're still stuck between unsure and a long wait.
You were afraid I was being bad. And I have been weird, but not bad. I'm just working on finding me while I'm missing you.

I miss you so much. This has been a nearly impossible year. This has been a horrible two months. And.. I'm done waiting. But baby I want you to know I love you. I love you so very much.

All I really want is to be with you. Just, so you know.

your "Bug"

30 days of letters. Day 1.

The first letter of this project is to my best friend. I THOUGHT I had a best friend, recently. But I am no longer sure. However: Until recently he WAS my best friend and he deserves a note.

Dear best friend,

You will always be my favorite bar tender. Death by chocolate martini, Pearl Harbor, Oatmeal cookie. You remembered that I'm allergic to gold, but forgot that I prefer to be told the truth. You said you'd explain the situation between you and your girl. I don't think you realize that I honestly want to know. I want so much to tell you about everything that's happened while your "gag order" has been in place. I'd like to give you a quick hug to thank you for introducing me to the community that I've found a comfortable foot hold in. Even if it is temporarily.

I don't just miss subtitles, you know. I miss dancing and listening to stories. It was a great span of time we had, learning about each other. I thought our kids could be friends too. I, apparently misjudged you. I thought I could trust you to stick around. I thought I could trust you to listen and care.

That trust is broken. And, after telling you about how my trust issues are OFTEN broken, I think it's especially fucked up of you to leave things like this. Why am I not saying this to your face? Because you keep blowing me off. Once. Twice. I'm going to wait a day and try one more time. Blow me off again and you're dismissed. But there will be ONE small hurt text. You made me cry "Bestie" But you made me laugh too. You're forgiven even this.

I hope your life goes REALLY good. I hope there's love and joy and laughter and as little bad hurt and pain as possible. Even after this ugly little parting of ways, I acknowledge that you made part of my life much better. You opened my eyes. So, thank you. Thank you, and good bye.

~Amber

Really?

Some ass hat has decided to make my already complicated and stressful life a little more "interesting"

My husband received a crude Personal message on Facebook, my name was the title. It was awful and implied that I was doing things I was NOT doing. of course he deleted it instead of keeping. I haven't read it, I just know it frightened him and sent his head reeling. He's going through enough shit right now.

Thanks to this ass hat, I've gone to all my forums, places I hang out in the virtual world, and stripped them of as much info as possible. I got big time scared. I wasn't doing anything wrong, and yet we both blame me.

F

M

L

New followers!

Oh my goodness! Hai!

Thanks for the follow!

ugly broken poem

fingers wandering...

mind all a spin.

all over wondering

where to begin

I hate rhyming

the word should be set free

Ah dear, and here I go again.

Take me. Make me.

Squirm and squeal.

Want to fuck me.

Make it REAL.

Dancing at midnight motion and light

Some kinda latte? something about a spoon?

Fuck these damn rhymes I refuse, GOOD NIGHT!

Cocky smile far too soon.

A kiss. An innocent seeming thing.

I'd love a kiss, to share the sweet.

Knew in moments where it was going.

I'd love a dance, just move those feet.

Too late.. there they go! I told 'em to stop! I'm trying to free the words but I can't. I'm trying to write out the joy and the ache. Trying to free everything that's inside so I can fucking come and get off and go to sleep! And instead instead of rubbing one out and counting sheep... I'm obsessing and regressing and being all a messing..

And the rhymes! The fucking poems... the hated "poet" comes spinning through. Her skirts all a flutter, singing of lust and scrambled eggs and fucking butter. I don't want to be lyrical. I want to make sense. But my brain doesn't work that way.

It's a top, a dizzy, a tizzy, a mess. Broken like they find me. Broken like they leave me.

Happy! JOY! See me smile? I am, you know, sometimes. Not hiding behind my walls. Not hiding anything. Give 'em everything so they can't take a thing. So it's all right in the end. And I promise it'll be okay. I promise I'll be back soon. Can I play a different game? How's cards? How's Duck fucka duck goose?

Make me smile? Oh but I am. I am. I will. I have. It's almost my turn, to turn the tables 'round. To leave. To lead. To run.

Mind all a wander..

fingers a useless mess

left only to ponder

why I'm in a state of undress.

Again!

So Tomorrow night I'm doing it again! Socialising is a must. With all the bad stuff going on I need to be right on top of the good. Friday afternoon I'm off to be social again. No trying to make any specific friends this time. Instead I'm just going to go out, have a good time, and enjoy myself.

~

On a separate note:

My weight is great right now. I'm right where I like to be, and I look pretty damn good in clothes. When Ian finally gets home I just know he's going to be pleased with the care I've taken to not only keep the house and children in shape, but to put myself in order.

I weigh between 138-142 most days. I'm eating healthy and taking all the vitamins. I've been exercising more lately. I miss going OUT dancing (great exercise!) so I'm dancing around the house instead. Cleaning and sweeping and making my home super pretty.

~

This one is positive, I swear!

SO!

Tonight I go out to meet more new people. I'm throwing myself into the social thing. Shade is earning her baby sitting creds for a few hours so I can have a few hours out. I'm excited and nervous all over again. I'm tempted to roll on the once burnt twice shy attitude, but I just can't. I need to talk to other adult human beings. And the only way to do it is find like minded people to interact with.

I'm happy, cautious, and.. glowing!

I want my mommy!

Jesus fucking christ.

SEE?! This is why I don't bother with other people.

As if my shit weren't complicated enough...

Now I'm once again struggling to find people to hang out with. Just because my "friend" doesn't want to hang out with me while he's dating his girl. (And I get it, okay? But it STILL FUCKING SUCKS!)

What. The. Fuck. Ever.

AND! Ian is stressing. Paperwork is running behind. I'm trying, ok? I'm on this like white on rice, but it can only get done at the rate of doctors appointments allow.

I'm stressed too.

I'm lonely too.

I'm sorry he's upset and stressed and strained and that I can't give him the fucking hug he needs. I don't know if it's better or worse when he calls me when he's in these moods. Especially since I'm in one of those moods too. I am not much help like this.

I'm trying.. trying so hard to keep my outlet for stress open. But I'm abandoned all over again. My skin, my soul aching for simple human touch.

And I'm thisclose to just calling my mom and crying. Like she can help. *Sigh*

I know he's not going to be home this month.

It's breaking my heart. And I don't know what to do. I'm .. I'm lost.

Flailing my limp useless fists into the winds and wishing, Just when I needed someone the most..

I'm sorry.

I wish my shit didn't suck so much that I needed somewhere to let it out. I'm sorry you, poor gentle reader are here "listening" to me whine. I have an appointment with my councler tomorrow. She'll probably be delighted to see me let down my walls of laughter and absent minded dismissal. I've been open and honest with her, but this has been a long time coming.

I'm ugly when I cry. Damn it. And this much crying in one month is ridiculous. I need help.