I made a wish

Long dry spans of time. I have been neglectful of my blog. I have no excuses.

I made a wish. Like a child. I closed my eyes. I balled my hand into tight fists. I sent a wish into the universe.

A simple thing, is wishing. Much harder to make them come true. This one in particular I want so bad I can taste it. I can Feel it bubbling under my tongue and in my blood. This wish...

So. Cross your fingers for me.

Close your eyes.

And make a wish too.

my dream

back when I was a young lass.. I wanted to write.

To Really truly write, to put together stories for the people I loved.

To make charactors dance to my tune.

somewhere along the way my goal crumbled. I escaped occasionall into poetry. Pretty wordy rantings. But no story. no meat. I'm going to resolve that. I plan... to write. No more waiting for my dream co-author. no one's going to appear and teach me to story board. or plot endings. I need to just sit down every day. like it's my job and put words on the page.

No more worrying if they're good.

No more worrying if they're "right"

I just need to create. No more I shoulda woulda coulda. I need to prove to me.. if all those years whining about being an aspireing writer were right.

or..

not.

So. The time is now.

The day is. Today.

I begin.

Shedding a little light.

So as to manic up this emo party..

I'm hanging a disco ball.

I'm tossing around a bit of glitter.

Be the change..

Be. The. Change.

I CAN.

hello

Ah! Depression! My old "friend" I had so hoped you'd gone away for the season. But I see you were there, just waiting to sneak up on me. Just biding your time. My daughter will be getting the Paris trip I *Wanted* to have for my anniversary, for a school trip. And I'm VERY VERY happy for her. This is the kind of memory no amount of money can buy. She'll have so. much. fun.

But I'm upset too. I had for force the bit of my trip that worked to work. It cost us too much, and we did very little other then see the eiffel tower. It was ruined by my spouses inability to follow directions and my impatience with him. I made the day worthwhile. I suppose. But apparently me feeling pretty makes him grumpy. And him driving like an asshole and talking about how "stupid" France is makes me grumpy pants. When we go out if I don't force a smile every moment he throws a tantrum. I'm tired of pretending to be happy. ok? I'm exhausted. I can't imagine the rest of my life with someone who hates everything so. damn. much. And..

I don't know. I'm depressed. My mail is delayed by 5 days now. My life is BORING! I can't do school except online. I miss class rooms. I miss having friends. I miss hugs and discussions. I miss..

everything.

I feel like coming out here was a bad decision. Like pushing him to go to Korea as a bad decision. Like.. everything I've DONE! except switch to vaping has been a bad decision.

Fuck.

I need a real flesh and blood and HERE! Right the FUCK here so I can have a hug.. friend.

I don't know if I can take another two and a half years of this shit.

The following is a poll for the members of my Vape community. I've been making crochet bottle cozies for them. I'd like to have a good amount made ahead and set aside. To do that right I'd like to know the most popular color choices. Pleas eonly vote once. Please only vote if you're interested in helping. Thanks!!

~Bug

Coozy color choices
	Black
	White
	Green
	Blue
	Red
	Yellow
	Purple
	Pink
	Gray
	Tan
	Multi color
	Other
pollcode.com free polls

Wanton Wednesday

Wonton Wednesday: Stretching in sunlight. I'm learning to embrace my body. I have a wide set of hip, and rather large thighs. I hide these in skirts and tights. But lately I've been getting positive comments on my figure.. so. For this weeks WW I'm Embracing the pretty that is my figure silhouetted against German grass and sunlight.

I've learned

I can't control the way the world works. It just works. It refuses to do my bidding. And that's okay. Life keeps surprising me. New friends, new ways of tilting my head.. new perspective.

I'm nervous right now. There are some decisions I've been delaying that I've decided on. I just need to take that net step. And.. here goes...

nothing.

Leggy: Wanton Wednesday

I like to lie about and be photographed, there's something special about surrendering the way a shoot turns out to another persons talent. This angle made my legs look amazing and my feet.. surreal. I feel sexy in this dress. Pretty in my crown. And down right naughty with that tiny anklet with li'l handcuffs. A so subtle nod to my kinky side. So, while I have naughtier, sexier pictures in my files: This one won. This time around for my wanton shot.

old, new again

Re-posting something I wrote a time ago. Because I'm feeling it.

~~~

Oh, softest kiss of greeting, the butterfly flicker of greeting and hello. Nip and nibble of lower lip. What will you taste like today? The texture and taste of your skin. Breathing it in as I trace you with words of adoration and praise.
Oh passion. Opening my eyes to see yours. Tasting me, tasting you. Tongue and tooth and breath. Devour me as I devour you and let us fall into one another.

Let me count the ways I miss the kiss. The intimacy of shared moments.

I miss the brief rake of stubble in cheeky peck.
I miss the devouring heat of passion.
I miss the friendly busk.

I miss the kiss.

mm

To be held.

To be taken.

To be wanted.

Stripped of inhibitions. Everything I am set side in that moment of feeling. Being. Aching all over for another touch. mmmm

I dream in technicolor

or warm skin, that tastes so salty sweet. That I can pet and scratch and kiss and fondle to my hearts desire. No complaint, no restraint. No "I'm too tired" No "I'm too busy" No "not tonight"

then when?

I'm beyond understanding. Am I really so... dirty? That I need this? That I want this? That it engulfs me until I get it, and then I want more and more..

and ... Fuck.

Nononono. I'm GOOD! Damnit. I'm a proper mom with a dream of a coffee shop comic book store rolled in one... A pretty little place just outside a big city. Somewhere with a proper farmers market and excitement nearby. A pretty little place with rooms upstaris to stay.

I can't help that sometimes I dream of a bit more.. or I want this dream NOW! and not

soon..

soon..

when?

11 more years? That's a long time baby.

I'm already too old..

to be more then passing interesting..

to anyone of interest.

Oooh

Oh that but I could

express all I've seen and done.

I wish I had the right place the right words to write what I've experienced. What I want again and again and again. O if but every day could be as good as a few of those that I've had. Instead it's back to the every day. The wet. The cold. The quiet. Gripping tight with white knuckles the memories of yesterday. My best friend telling me I am precious. People wanting for my attention and my hugs. Being told I'm beautiful. Being wanted. Being..

wanted.

I'm needed.

I'm necessary.

I'm

bored.

Damnit.

BUT! Oh but I have a job to do now. Ordering thread by the spool to make my coozies my favors. Not much income, but something something important I feel I can contribute. I'm content,at least in that. But I yearn and ache to re-capture to re-take. That which made me special.

important.

Shiny.

damn.

<3 good bye beautiful.

Farewell excitement. Hello home. Hello every day. I remember you responsibility. I remember you Life. I recall.

but oh.

oh

oh.

to be..

once more.

precious.

how to be

I have two paths.

Two options.

And I'd too scared to fully go one or the other.

Instead..

I wait. and see.

damn dream

It's Baaaack. I had shaken it for a while. Was free of it for the whole of my vacation. I don't remember if I dreamt at all. But I also barely slept for the span of 10 days. And it returns. With a strength that has it burned behind my eyelids and questioning myself all over again. Please. Don't judge me. I don't expect understanding. But please,don't judge me without knowing me enough to understand a bit better.

Anyway so I'm trying to string words together to best express my dream. It's accursedly hard. I feel I'll have to give it a few tries before I can write it well enough to banish it. And Banish I must.. if I don't want to tip the delicate card tower that is.. my world.

~

Back. Crook of arm. Deep even breathing from the warm form I nestle my self against. Tucked there I feel small, tiny, a treasure. A jewel. My exposed skin is not an embarrassment, just a way of absorbing the heat of .. them. In this moment, on this plane of reality. This place where I wish I could linger a bit longer. I feel no shame in my exposed self. In what may or may not have been. I am soothed. I am beloved. So,I press my skin to theirs. And I feel my conscious self, on the other end of the dream state, holding onto the man she choose. I wish her well. As I struggle. Just another moment. Here with my truer desires. My unexpressed.. my unknown unfound.. unbound. Un expressed. Repressed. Holding on. Skin to skin. Press my lips and nose close and inhale the skin of ..

and awaken.

Warm, but not as. NEEDED- in a way that one can feel against the teeth. So I soak in the need. Wrap myself in his arms. And try once again to convince myself that it was His skin. His scent. His warm comfort I felt in my dreams. Tomorrow night, like last I'll dream again. I know I will.

Convincing myself I'm not bad. Not Bad. Not Bad at all. Just lonely. Just neglected too much. Just not given..

what I find when I find myself sprawled against

a back. Crook of arm. Deep even breathing. Somewhere with someone warm who likes me like I am. Who doesn't want me to pretend to be..

no.. it's him.

right?

Vacation

10 glorious days.

My feet hurt, my back is agony. I'm still lightheaded from the time change, the perspective change, and .. everything else.

I got to hang out with some truly amazing people the week leading up to vape fest. So much goodness. I cried saying goodbye to them. Then VapeFest.
That's where the awesomeness truly happened. I met so many people I've only met in chat rooms. I met people I'd only known from a few words on screen. I met people I've idolized. I was starstruck. I was flabbergasted. I was in HEAVEN! I got so many hugs and gave out each and every coozy I'd brought. I got to play an exciting scavenger hunt with team "Something Irreverent" and we won! I now am the proud owner of an Ego T! It's AWESOME!
I believe I've found my new vape juice supplier: Mike with RawrVapor who I've been twitter buddies with forever hooked me up with a few good juices. Each and every one is super nummy.

I've never been happier. I needed the time away. I needed the break. I needed the hugs and love I found. And being home relaxing and taking it all in is good too.

I already miss my vaping family. <3 <3 <3 Thank you all for a great weekend.

I'm only happy when it rains..

deleting this rant. but .. it was rant tastic. :P I need to quit beating myself up every time my mr. and I have a spat.We'll either get over this or we won't. I'm still hoping we do. so..
I deleted my whining.

I'm putting hope up instead.

HOPE.

Meh

Nothing to see here.
Move along.

*looks around*
are they gone?

OK! *giggle* I'm going to the states in March! To see my friends. I'm having a difficult time making friends out here. I'm adjusting to life out here in Germany. Hubs and I are.. Not 100% but better then we were not as good as we could be but better. I'm not... content. But Firmly steering towards it. I'm excited about my little solo vacation.