Wednesday, March 30, 2011

damn dream

It's Baaaack. I had shaken it for a while. Was free of it for the whole of my vacation. I don't remember if I dreamt at all. But I also barely slept for the span of 10 days. And it returns. With a strength that has it burned behind my eyelids and questioning myself all over again. Please. Don't judge me. I don't expect understanding. But please,don't judge me without knowing me enough to understand a bit better.

Anyway so I'm trying to string words together to best express my dream. It's accursedly hard. I feel I'll have to give it a few tries before I can write it well enough to banish it. And Banish I must.. if I don't want to tip the delicate card tower that is.. my world.


Back. Crook of arm. Deep even breathing from the warm form I nestle my self against. Tucked there I feel small, tiny, a treasure. A jewel. My exposed skin is not an embarrassment, just a way of absorbing the heat of .. them. In this moment, on this plane of reality. This place where I wish I could linger a bit longer. I feel no shame in my exposed self. In what may or may not have been. I am soothed. I am beloved. So,I press my skin to theirs. And I feel my conscious self, on the other end of the dream state, holding onto the man she choose. I wish her well. As I struggle. Just another moment. Here with my truer desires. My unexpressed.. my unknown unfound.. unbound. Un expressed. Repressed. Holding on. Skin to skin. Press my lips and nose close and inhale the skin of ..
and awaken.
Warm, but not as. NEEDED- in a way that one can feel against the teeth. So I soak in the need. Wrap myself in his arms. And try once again to convince myself that it was His skin. His scent. His warm comfort I felt in my dreams. Tomorrow night, like last I'll dream again. I know I will.
Convincing myself I'm not bad. Not Bad. Not Bad at all. Just lonely. Just neglected too much. Just not given..
what I find when I find myself sprawled against
a back. Crook of arm. Deep even breathing. Somewhere with someone warm who likes me like I am. Who doesn't want me to pretend to be..
no.. it's him.

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