Dreaming

Will he ever completely leave my dreams? Has he come to represent something to my subconscious?? It seems so wrong on so many levels. This beautiful man child I keep dreaming of. A conglomeration of my best friend of teenage years and every man I've every lusted after since. None of them even remotely resembling my husband. He comforts me, this dream boy toy. We often nearly have sex, but get distracted along the way. He holds me, curled along his side like a child. He's so big in my dreams, taller then he ever was in "life" better built. But that's because he has become something perfect, something unattainable. Am I trying to get in touch with the part of myself that he represents? Is the near sex supposed to represent something? I have long since recovered from my teenage crush on this particular man. He's grown into someone I no longer know. And that's fine- that's the way life should be. In my waking world the only man I want to hold me is my husband. But in my dreaming life? This is the boy I dream of. Perfect, forever frozen at a perfect age somewhere between 18 and 20 something he is far more gorgeous then his analog. Far more brilliant, far more comforting than ANY man I've ever known.
I just wish I knew what it meant. Why must he turn up in so many of my dreams? Why? It seems perverse and wrong on so many levels! Can't I make a copy of my husband to play with in slumber? Apparently he only turns up when I'm battling demons and monsters, standing at my back. Good to know my Beloved has my back- but why can't I dream hand holding, snuggling, and (instead of near sex) full glorious complete sexual encounters? No- apparently I get my dream man. This strange conglomeration of someone I've grown apart from and every damn man I ever truly lusted after. Pale of skin, dark of hair, blue of eye. Build like a god, and strong and sensitive and stunningly brilliant. Oh dear I'm drooling picturing him. damn it.