30 days of letters, day 30: your reflexion in the mirror.

Wow! This morning I go amazing news. Medical clearance has been granted. My husband should haver orders next week, and be home VERY soon after. I'm relieved and happy today.

Today is also the last day of this project. Talk about strange coincidences! Anyway. On to the letter. This should be an interesting attempt. Probably a bit weak though.

Hello Amber,

Look at you! A bit battered around the edges. And you've changed since this all started. The hair looks great by the way! Purple is a good color for you. You're doing fine. I can see the stress and the strain. The deeper bags under your eyes. The new lines between your brows. But, you still look strong. you still look determined. You still look good.

I'm pretty proud of me, think I did pretty good. I kept to my project, for the most part. I kept most of my promises. I stressed and struggled a lot the last few months, but look! Here we are!

Sooner now. It's in the wind. The future is out there waiting to be grasped like a kite. What does the next journey hold for me? I' pretty excited. I CAN handle this.

Look at me.

Still there.

Ready for anything.

30 days of letters, day 29: The person you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to.

Bug,

You'd think after 7 years I'd be comfortable telling you every little thing. I still hold back. I STILL get scared. I second and third guess the things I want to talk to you about. You're more sensitive then you let on. You're more fragile then you're willing to admit. I Dislike it when you get cold and withdrawn on topics. OR worse, ignore something simply because it makes you a little uncomfortable. At least tell me when a topic hits your discomfort level? I'll try not to judge you. You were raised a LOT more conservatively then I was and you're still learning to be open minded. But of all people to discuss everything with we should trust one another.
So, out of fear of you judging me. Or worse turning me down cold, I withold parts of myself. Te darker stranger parts I keep to myself. Because I'm sure, positive, so so sure you'll not only dislike them, but in the end dislike me.

I'm sorry.

~A

30 days of letters, day 28: someone that changed your life

Just one someone?!?! Blargh!

Ok ok. Although this is yet another potential multi person letter project I've been pretty bad at not not writing full proper letters. SO! Just for the sake of writing a proper letter to a proper somebody I'm going to write this letter.

Moon,

Happy 16th birthday Autumn-Moon. You are an amazing sweet and strange child! I've learned so much, knowing you, having you for a sister, a friend, a guide, and a daughter. 16 years ago I gave birth to you. 16 years ago I gave you to my parents to love and nurture. I wish I'd had the strength to raise you myself, but they've done a magnificent job.
Your "disabilities" asperger, and minor CP made me afraid to get to know you better for a long time. The ache of being too self involved when you were young has hit home hard for me now that I've "grown up" and am raising your sisters.
Happy birthday Moon unit! I DO love you. I was so happy to talk to you this morning. I promise we'll never loose touch. And I know you've forgiven me for giving you up. I'm still working on forgiving myself, but I truly feel you're better now then you would have been with my selfish self involved barely 18 year old self as your mom.

You helped me grow. You remind me that weakness can be strength. And apparent strength can be weakness.

Happy birthday.

Oh and remember: DON'T LET MOM TEACH YOU TO DRIVE! She's a nutter behind the wheel!

~me

30 days of letters day 27: The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Humm

Nope here's yet another unwritable letter. Every friendly person I've truly enjoyed the company of I've known for more then one day. Sometimes it's just a week, but it's always more then one day. I like networking and connecting. I have no problem adding someone to my contact list if I enjoy talking to them.

Also? I'm incredibly friendly myself. I have no problem striking up interesting brief conversation. There are far too many one hour talks to list the temporary friends all at once.

I'll just say "thanks" to my random interesting "friends".

:) Thanks for the chat!

30 days of letters day 26: The last person you made a pinky promise to.

Ella,

My odd fairy goof! You're growing up so fast! We've hit a few snags along your "good girl" path lately, but you're still doing pretty good. I know these little trials and tests are "normal" and I'm correcting them as we go. A whole week without T.V. or video games was hard on us both. I hope our wish comes true soon baby. I promise, pinky and otherwise that I'll love you forever, no matter what turns your life takes.

~Mom

30 days of letters day 25: The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Everyone has hard times. I'm fortunate that my family and friends aren't suffering from anything aside from normal everyday troubles. I certainly wish for more joy in their lives and less small troubles and problems. But if minor life troubles are the worst thing anyone I know or love is suffering, that I am indeed a very fortunate girl!

30 days of letters day 24: The person that gave you your favorite memory

Imagine a quick series of small thank you notes. Gorgeous buttery card stock paper, preferably handmade. Small gold thread worked in. Rich green or red calligraphy ink pen. My best handwriting. These need not be long. What more needs be said, after all?

Dad,
Thank you For the tears in your eyes on my wedding day and helping me laugh instead of cry. I still cried, but the beautiful aching mix of joy and sorrow kept us from falling weak into sobbing fits.

Ian,
Thank you for holding her, achingly tender. That moment of wonder when you looked up. When you realized she was "ours" "yours" "mine."

Ian,
Thank you for saying You're mine. Mine first. I'm still working on grasping it, but hearing you say it helped.

Ella,
Thank you for saying I'm the "best mom ever" I know you're buttering me up, but there are moments I can tell you believe it and it makes it easier when I'm struggling.

Shade,
Thank you for being so strong, and weak, and fragile and funny. Every other moment with you is my favorite memory.

"J"
Thank you for Thursdays. Thank you for that one magnificent night that went on forever. Thank you for being my guide. Thursday will always be special now, always be a little sacred.

Jer,
Thank you for Magic. Thank you for moments of brilliance. Thank you for being so amazing that your younger self is still at times my guide through dreams that I don't quite understand.

Will,
Thank you for Monty python, British humor, and many of my favorite kinks.

Violet,
Thank you for a generous spirit, a love of the color purple, and a new "thing" for girls with New York accents.

Belle,
Thank you for guidance.

Cassie,
Thank you for tea. I wish I had a year or three to spend getting to know you. You fascinate me, and I feel as if we should have been sisters, lovers, better friends in some lifetime along side this.

Muffins,
<3 Thank you for the girl crush

Sammy,
You're epic.

My one constant commenter, Big Mark
Some of my favorite morning memories start with reading your comments. It helps me move on to my next blog. Knowing someone, anyone is reading.


To everyone one who has made a moment, a memory, a snapshot I treasure in my life. Thank you. I treasure them. I call on them in my moments of weakness and darkness and despair. The memories kep me stable, keep me happy, keep me warm.

Thank you.

frenzy of over thinking

The weight of the wait.

It is overwhelming. Literally, utterly, completely overwhelming. It has been .. too long since I last was able to physically touch my husband. He was supposed to be home by now. It's been 14 months since he left for Korea, more then 5 months since I got to spend time with him.

I have defiantly learned some things. I Will never again live far from a military base while we're married. I need the community, I need the connection. This deployment was doubly difficult due to me not being able to have access to the doctors/dentists/paperwork people I'm used to dealing with. They may be a bit of a bore, but they're better then nothing. I also miss the "spouse" community. The family activities and the resources I had available.

I've learned that I suck alone, but I already knew that. I did find that I LOVE having 4 full seasons. I hated being stuck inside in the winter, but the beauty of spring, summer, and fall more then made up for that brief span of suck. Now that I know what to expect, I can combat the onset of "S.A.D." better.

I'm tired of us having to jump through hoops. He's SUBMITTED everything. We need word. We need to have him out of Korea before October, hell before Fall. It's enough.

I don't know who to contact. I don't know who to call. I'm fed up and tired. I'm sick. I'm depressed.

And what's the worst? I'm lonely. I've made friends. But I'm love sick. I'm heart sick. I don't feel loved or valued. I don't feel physically adored by the man I have committed to spend my life with. I was able to quash this feeling, for the most part. Then "The incident" happened, and he lost my trust.

And from that point my direction got skewed. I forgave him, especially since he doesn't remember what he did, only that a VERY large sum of money was spent getting himself and his buddy epically drunk. In a juicy bar. I suspect more, but have no proof aside from weeks of absolute guilty silence before his BUDDY called me to apologize on his behalf.

It was a while back, before his mid tour. And everything seemed to go back to normal. Alcohol now makes him sick. (guilt?)
He doesn't socialize as much anymore. In part because his friends have already left. And he's stuck behind. Blaming me for being slow with papers, blaming the air force for doing a suck job, being angry at everything he does. There's not much I can do for him right now other then wait.

Wait as I'm slowly being crushed under the weight of the wait.

He says he doesn't think he'll want to share me with people when he gets home. Umm?

I don't mind him wanting my attention. My affection, my time. But he's CHOSEN to cut himself off from others. I've chosen to be more social. My friends are valuable to me, and I'm going to be saying goodbye to them soon. I don't WANT to go back to us not having any friends other then each other. Other then the people he meets through work, and the moms I meet through the girls schools. There are adults we could be friends with. Why does he want to be introverts? It's awful and boring.

I've expressed an interest in us going out on dates now that the girls are old enough to be left for a bit. HE acts disinterested. He's changed so much in the last few months. He's NEVER been very social, but he was always up for an occasional night out. And I've changed a lot too. I've really started to enjoy my life outside the home. The parts of the world I'd denied myself because it seemed selfish. Now I'm okay giving myself a little "me" time.

I'm scared. I know that any day now we'll get orders. But there's no obvious end in sight. I just want my husband back. I can't stand another few months without him. I can't go another cold winter alone. It's time. Please.. someone tell me it's time.

Tell me I can get out from under the weight of the wait.

30 days of letters day 23: The last person you kissed.

This isn't specific: Kissed as in passion? kissed as in pressed my lips against them? Since my passion based kisses are few and far between I'm choosing kissed as in pressed my lips against as a gesture of love and affection.

Shade,

Look kiddo. I am fully aware that your life is the suck right now. I know you think I've abandoned you for the "exciting" new world of friends I've found.

I want you to know, kiddo, that I truly do love and adore you. Being a teenager is never easy. Being a teenager going through all the extra hardships YOU are going through? That's challenging. You're rising fairly well to the challenge. You've discovered your inner and outer beauty and generally are pretty accepting of it. I often think you're a bit selfish and self oriented, but as far as I can tell, that's pretty normal typical behavior for a young woman your age.

I'm proud of you.

I think you're AWESOME. If I'd known a chick like you when I was your age? I would have thought she was the bees knees and would have made her my bestie in no time flat.

No matter how much I WANT to be your friend now, I can't. I am you mother first. I can interact with you in fun ways, but there's just no crossing that line. It ruins the dynamic, the respect, the fragile authority I have to have over your life.


But. I love you kiddo.

Know that, okay?

~Mom

30 days of letters day 22: someone you want to give a second chance to.

This is yet another difficult assignment. I DO give people second chances. Sometimes, heck OFTEN, my first impression is off. Even when it's right I feel the second chance is worth the time and effort. So: I'm writing to myself again. Although I HAVE given myself second chances, I often hold back on myself before others.

Amber:

I forgive you for your mistakes. I forgive your transgressions. I forgive your moments of weakness, when you were tempted to give up or give in.

You've been strong. Even when you felt weak. I'd love to go outside myself, so I could hold myself when I'm feeling all alone.

It's okay Amber. To feel a little lost and abandoned, It's okay to wish for what you can't have *right now*.

I'm giving you another chance, to get your spirits up. To do what needs to be done. I have faith in you.

~A

30 days of letters day 21: someone you judged by their first impression.

Ca,

I thought you were "stodgy" and for that I'm sorry. You seemed quiet and just this side of plain. You were with held and seemed not that interesting. The way you sat away from the crowd made you seem judgmental, and not shy.

And now I have a lunch "date" with you and your partner for lunch. I'm so glad I didn't judge you overmuch from that first impression! I'm so glad I talked to you again and again. You are more fascinating and deep then most people I've met. I have a feeling we're going to be great friends. I may NEVER tell you about my first impression, because it was rude.

And, I'm sorry. Because you're beautiful!

~A

30 days of letters, Day 20: The one that broke your heart the hardest

I'm Not writing this one.

Instead we'll have an explanation.

I've had my heart broken a lot. By a lot of people. I fall in love easily. Love is a wonderful and amazing thing. I love love. I love the way I feel when I'm in love.

And some relationships ended more naturally, and comfortably. A mutual agreement that we didn't work as a pair.

Some of my lovers left me with big aching wounds in my heart. Where I cried for days, weeks, even months.

That said: I don't feel regret or remorse. Each left behind love taught me something about myself. Each experience taught me something new about love and heart ache.

I was fortunate to find my forever love in my husband. I'm fortunate in that I truly believe that my last bad relationship is behind me.

But little things have broken my heart. My last big heartbreak was actually the first day my youngest daughter attended school. Realizing that my baby was growing up, that I would never have another baby, that my days of babies were behind me. That broke my heart as surely as any past love.

I was a fully realized adult.

I think the day my elder daughter starts collage will come with the same ache. Each time Big change comes it comes with the broken heart of what once was. What is being left behind.

But each ache is followed by growth and positive change.

So, I don't regret my heart breaks. And there's no one to write a letter to today.

Just a blog entry about heart ache.

30 days of letters, Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind-good or bad.

yet another stupid letter to my ex best friend. Hopefully THIS one will bring me the closure I need.

~

Moving past you is proving complicated. You represented so much happiness. You helped me come to some really good realizations about myself. You helped me grow as a person. You were/are a unique and amazing and complicated individual. I'm trying to accept, I'm trying to forgive, I'm trying to forget. I can't help how I feel, to some extent. The way we quit our friendship was ugly and stupid and dramatic. Certainly we've moved to "mutual acquaintance" territory. While I'm not 100% happy with that it is what it is. There's still a lot of hurt associated with memories of you. There's still a lot of sweetness too.
We weren't "normal" or your "Average" type of friends in the first place. I'm okay with the fact that the outside world thought they saw, when they saw us hanging out. I understand why.. mostly. It's all right. But I can't quite stop scratching the "what if" itch. The "why" itch. The "But" itch. (hehe)

Eventually, I hope, I can look at our amazing brief span of friendship in nothing but a good positive light. I've never had a friendship end like ours did. I've never had a friendship that was LIKE ours.

I guess...

I wish I could properly express the mixture of "Thank you" and "Damn..." that I'm still feeling, and probably always will feel. I've said it before, and I'll ay it again. If you ever decide you need me again? I'm here. I don't "need" you, but I miss you.

Bye bye, beautiful.
~A

30 days of letters, Day 18: The person that you wish you could be.

OOooh nice one!

In all honesty, Internets: I very nearly am the person I want to be. I was whining earlier about being afraid of writing myself a letter. And now the challenge is to write a letter to my best self. Let's try this. I'm going to imagine myself as a faceless "friend" or "Associate" of my future best self. This is SUCH a practice in narcissism!

Amber,

Congratulations on at last achieving your dream of being a laughter therapist. I hear the sessions are going well. People tell me all the time how fun and enlightening your classes are. I knew you could do it! All the schooling was a lot of work, and I know you really struggled for a while finding your niche in this job market. If I could I'd shake your hand! Your sessions are fun, inspiring, and very helpful to many of the people who attend them.

Also, I wanted to compliment you on how absolutely fabulous you look for your age. I know you've taken up Tai-chi and yoga with your daughters, and the exercise is really showing. You have a great figure, and you're very strong and flexible! It was funny when you picked up your taller teen age daughter and threw her over your shoulder fireman style, then ran through the Gym with her, screaming, "I'm the fire chief" We all got a big laugh out of it. And watching you pose in downward dog? Honestly I was turned on! Your ass is amazing!

Your relationship with your husband is an inspiration to many military wives. The open levels of communication, the way you both flirt and obviously dote on each other is adorable. The sexual and happy energy between the two of you is electric. It's obvious to even a person that has never met either one of you how very rich and deep your compassion, understanding, love and adoration is for each other.

You are a fantastic mother as well. Having had the pleasure of meeting both of your daughters, they are each such unique and extraordinary individuals. It's obvious you have helped nurture them and support them along their paths. You must be so proud of them!

Your admiring friend,
~Amber who wishes she were you

30 days of letters, Day 17: Someone from your childhood

Oh! This one will be fun!

I was one of those strange children that had an imaginary friend. I still remember him vividly. For a very young me, he existed as real as anyone. I don't remember what I called, him. My mom doesn't either.


To my imaginary friend,

I was a strange lonely child. A changeling who lived in her own little world. But, I still remember you. You were impossibly tall. You wore tight pants with carnival stripes. You had a hat and silly sleeves on your burgundy jacket. We'd play hide and seek. Sometimes you helped me get into trouble. Sometimes you help me get OUT of trouble. I remember your stories, your explanations for the world that I inhabited.

Mountains were sleeping giants, and the trees were their hair. Closets held worlds. That garage in the yard had a small hole that if it was looked out of with the left eye at precisely three o clock in the afternoon gave me a glimpse of magic worlds. I still remember, sitting in the stuffy dark. I remember trying not to sneeze, my eye pressed firmly against that hole, seeing into something.. amazing. something hazy and green and beautiful. That hole SHOULD have given me a glimpse of my mothers hollyhock bushes. It should have shown me two mattresses slowly rotting off their frames. It didn't. I only remember the wolrds I saw in my dreams, but I still believe, A little, that I was given a gift of magic.

To this day I wonder. How can a 4 year old imagine something like you all on her own? Certainly I was brighter then the average child, but before anyone told me I knew a lot of things about spiders (things YOU had taught me). Before anyone else told me I knew about the cycle of rain: Water evaporation - clouds, etc. These were things I remember YOU teaching me.

There are times I still catch glimpses of the world we inhabited in my childhood. There are times it makes me wonder if I'm mad. It also makes me feel blessed, gifted, magic.

So, when my own daughter insisted, at a young age, that her "friend" needed her own plate at the table? I set it. I sit back and watch her play. Wondering...

What makes an imaginary friend?

And I feel lucky. Not only that I had you, but that she has a special little magical friend to keep her company too.

I miss you, but I think you're still part of me. One of the better parts too.

~A

30 days of letters, Day 16: Someone that's not in your state/country

Anna,

Hey kiddo! I miss hanging out with you in brief intervals. And I'm so excited that we're going to both be living in Germany at the same time soon. You've "grown up" since we first became friends. You've finally shed a lot of your baby weight and are feeling comfortable in your skin. You and I struggled through separation from our husbands. We both struggled through loosing someone we were related to to death.

I think that the next three years, we can actually have some pretty great times. We may not be neighbors again, but we can be friends again. Probably better friends then we were before. Because we've both grown so much, changed so much, and discovered so much about ourselves.

I'm excited to see you again, kiddo. :) I'm a little jealous that K has his orders while We're still waiting on my sweeties papers. But I just KNOW everything is not only going to work out, but work out for the best.

YAY! :D see you soon!

~A

30 days of letters, Day 15: the person you miss the most

Halfway through and this is letter number 3 to the hubs. Obviously, when it comes to people In my life he's the most important.

Hey baby,

I don't need to tell you how much I miss you. I know you're grumpy about how things have turned out. Especially the situation between your mother and I. I promise I'll try a little harder with her. We're very different and very much the same. She has made her move forward, I'll make mine. We can agree to disagree on each others issues. We don't have to be friends. But Ella deserves some grandparent time. Shade does too. We'll work through the next few weeks so we leave with good memories in place. I won't pretend to be innocent in this batt;e of wills. I won't pretend to have intentionally held her at a distance. IT was either that or a screaming fit and a screaming fit is an unacceptable answer.

I miss you babe. I hope we get word in the next two weeks. I have a feeling we'll have orders soon. :D

Love!
your Buggle

30 days of letters, Day 14: Someone you've drifted away from.

C,

Hey! I see your face book updates. But that's about as much input as I get. It looks like your life is going interesting and important places. Medical technology is a big and cool field. I always knew you were smart and capable, it's awesome seeing that you're going somewhere with your life. I miss being friends with you, but it's okay. We sort of each grew in different directions. If it weren't for you I'd never have met and married Ian. So, for that you have my eternal friendship and gratitude.

<3 take care sweetie!

~A

30 days of letters, Day 13: someone you wish could forgive you

Hey,

You're never going to see this.

I'm sorry.

There's not much more to say then that. I could try to explain. I could try to correct. But, we will never see eye to eye on this. I wish we could actually sit down and have a face to face. But we're both too high spirited for that to work. I'm willing to admit I'm wrong on certain aspects of our disagreement, but at the heart of the matter? The real reason? I KNOW I'm right. And you? You wouldn't admit you were wrong no matter what, as far as I can tell.

So, while I wish you could forgive me- I'll settle for forgiving you. It's ok. I know it's hard for you. I hope it gets better.

sincerely,
~A

30 days of letters, Day 12: person you hate/ that has caused you the most pain

There is no one. I actually don't "hate" anyone.

As to the person who has caused me the most pain? I hurt myself more then anyone else has ever hurt me, emotionally anyway.

I don't think I'm ready to write a letter to myself..

sorry :P