Why I am

I'd like to take a moment. To tip my hat.

When my daughter "came out of the closet" my reaction was. "Oh, cool. Ok." And we ran with it. I've always known she was a little diffrent, but I choose to allow my children to be themselves and nourish and nurture every amazing little thing about them.

I myself am, after all, a little queer.

I may not be a butch, or a lesbian, or even a very good bisexual. After all, I'm monogamous. But since my definition for queer is.. well it's just "Different from the norm" I am most assuredly quite queer.

I am this way because my father let me climb trees in dresses. My mother while not really understanding it, let me date a girl without any real fuss. My uncles and aunts, bless their crazy Irish Catholic hearts, loved me.

I am this way thanks in part to my uncle Tommy. He died quietly, still a little in the closet of double phenomena brought on by HIV. He refused treatment. He thought he deserved the disease.

I never want any person I know or meet to feel that way. Like they have to hide who they are. The only way I can do this is by lving loud and brave and proud of who I am and what I believe. If my beautiful queer teenage daughter can strut her amazing self down the street with her head held high, then I am doing my job right.

And, don't tell her this.. it'd swell an already overlarge ego. But damn I'm proud. I'm proud of her. I'm proud of me. And I'm a little proud of Tommy, who pulled me aside in a soft sweet hug once before he left us too soon. And said "I love you, Amber. I love you no matter who you love. You know that right?" And I said "Ditto, Tommy. Ditto"

My requirements in a minion (Goofy time writing)

There may well be a reason I don't have a minion, or minions.

My requirement list is just silly stupid long. My Man servant (lady servant? Whatever) Must:

• Be capable of prepping me easy to digest nutritious foods that make me make happy numming noises.
• Have a perfect cup of coffee ready when ever I require it.
• Have knowledge of a nearly inexhaustible supply of interesting movies, music, comics, and stories at any given time for when I am bored.
• Be able to act surprised and excited when I suggest that we watch (read, listen to) one of my favorites (again)
• Be attractive to the eye without being so pretty it's distracting
• be quick of wit and deft of hand
• give PERFECT back rubs
• give the kind of foot rubs that make people cry with joy
• LIKE traveling interesting places
• Be a good driver
• ENJOY going or car rides
• Like it when *I* drive
• Like going out dancing
• Be a good patient teacher
• Be a good listener
• Be a creative conversationalist
• Say I'm Pretty often AND mean it!
• be somewhat skilled with the care and management of children, pets, and houseplants
• have access to any weapons,agencies, equipment I may need at any given time for a plan
• Always have a way of getting us out of any trouble I manage to get us into
• know how to procure ice crushed the way I like it
• be willing to go clothes shopping with me AND capable of helping me find things that Fit and Flatter! BY GODS!
• look cute in light blue.

So.. there's some of them.. The many reasons I don't have a minion or legion of them. This person (persons?) does not exist. and if they did? There's no way in the Blue Hades they'd work for me, especially since I pay in cheese and hugs.

terms

I'm having difficulty coming to terms with who I am In this moment. I know who I am to others. I am: Mother, Wife, Friend, Lover, counselor, nemesis, that bitch, some girl, some woman, That kids mom, etc..

To me?

Who am I to me?

It's a mystery. I know I'm not good enough for me, yet. I'm working on getting there, but I'm feeling rather stuck. The jobs aren't plentiful anywhere. I'm under educated, lazy, have sparse hours I'm able to leave the house without arranging care for my younger child (and I won't) and stubborn.

I could go back to school, but it's only available online. I'm not a big fan of online classes. I LOVE the classroom experience. There's something special about learning in person.

I'm also..

falling into a very odd very long distance friendship circumstance I find baffling, dizzying, and wonderful. My hubs is glad I'm happy, a little jealous, and more then anything his usual distant self.

We had a wonderful romantic get away that missed the romance but was RICH in adventure and experience and the strengthening of our amazing friendship. I wasn't worried about our friendship. He is and always will be my very best friend.

I was just, stupidly, hoping for a little more sweetness. A little more sexiness. An extra spark to the kisses, a little.. something that wasn't there. Not even in the most magical place on earth were we able to make magic for each other.

And that makes me a little sad. But.. It is what is has been and I suppose what it always will be. I accepted a LONG time ago who he was.

But Who am I?

why am I here?

and what am I going to do about..

this?

I'll do what I always do. I'll ROLL! Baby roll with it and ride and hope I don't hurt myself too bad when I inevitably fall.