Halfway through the dark.

We're just a few days shy of December 21st (Winter solstice)

I'm sorry. I don't believe it'll be the end of the world, just the darkest day of the year. After this one the sun will hang around a little longer.

we've had three days of rain, and after the last two weeks of (admittedly beautiful) snow, the warm (in comparison) weather and drizzle are welcome. We can drive again! I got to go to my favorite Christmas market and just soak up the local flair.

I'm telling ya kids, you want to go anywhere this time of year and see what the season should look like, come to Germany and hit some of the smaller township Christmas markets. The big ones are cool, but it's cute little river side towns, full of picturesque buildings, windy cobblestone roads, the smell of spiced wine, spiced nuts, and currywurst that'll do you in. That and there's a High percentage of men who accidentally look like Santa. Jolly men with red cheeks, white hair, and big booming laughs jostle for space in gluvine booths with everyone else.

It's glorious and it's almost over. The giddy glowing part of the season. One of my favorite times to visit towns and browse. But we're almost halfway through the dark. Just a few (too many) more months of cold and ick and then the buds will be back, the blush of spring.

Winter came (absolutely everywhere, and messily too!) and I'll be happy to see it go.

But I'll miss my Christmas markets. The dizzying smell of curry ketchup and fresh fried potato. spiced wine and giddy drunken Europeans that aren't shy about people watching right along side of me. Red cheeks and flashing teeth. Music on every corner, and winds that bite, but don't bite quite so hard now that there's a bit of Christmas spirit in the air. 

Oh, Monday.

Last day of my program today. We get weighed, measured, and worked out. From here on in I'm self motivated. 

I hope I can do this. The thickening layer of snow outside wants to argue with me that I can not. It's far too yucky out there to drive anywhere, right? It's far easier to do a little indoor attempt and pretend. But, mister snow, I say no.  I can do this. I can keep going. Even if I have to go in the extremely early mornings with my husband. If I have to go during the dinner hour to the yoga classes, if I have to carve out an hour and FORCE my stubborn soft bottom into the car, drive to the gym and throw myself at a tread mill.

I can do this. I will do this. I still have fat to shed. I still have muscle to gain. I still have something to prove. I will do this.

Gross piles of (god, it's pretty) snow or not. I shall. I'll get myself snow gloves, layer up and go play in it. I'll...

Right now I can feel that bitter dark part of me shaking it's metaphorical head in negation. I can feel the tug of the heavy gray clouds laden with snow and *weather. 

Right now I'm arguing with myself. there's a little child inside of me who grew up dreaming of white Christmases. There's a girl who wanted to make snow men. Who wanted to cut out snow flakes from paper and post them in frosted windows. There's a child who wondered what it felt like to catch a snow flake on her tongue. She's being held down by the bully in me. That stubborn itch who likes nothing more then grumping about everything scowling Scrooge like at the world and sarcastically mocking that inner child.

I WANT to let the kid win this round. I want to be enchanted and amazed.   Let's give that kid a chance. 

*"weather" must be said by drawing the word out like it smells of wee. Weather is not just climatic changes, it's everything that is horrible and gross and unsavory about the stuff that is NOT sunshine. 

on Last Firsts

It snowed yesterday.

I woke up, walked downstairs, mixed my coffee and gawped at the front window for what seemed like forever. It shouldn't have been a surprise  It was scheduled to snow both days this weekend, and it only snowed a little the night before last and a bit in the morning. I gaped because it was beautiful. My little slice of the world covered in white. I shivered in my skin thinking that within a few hours my family and I would be out walking in it. Mostly I stared, with big hungry eyes.

It was my last first German snowfall, at least for a VERY long time. Unless it gets unseasonably cold next year in early October next year, this is it. We'll be moving before next winter. Hopefully, we'll be reassigned to somewhere temperate. This. Beautiful deep, soft, blanket outside my window is the last one I'll be seeing out here in Germany.

There will be many more this winter. I have a feeling we're looking at a white winter. And, although I go along with my snow fearing husband and cranky teenager in pretending that I hate it, I don't. Just between you, me, and the internet I think snow is freaking magic. Oh it's COLD. And I'm no fan of cold. It's icky when it melts into slush puddles that have the consistency of the nastiest margarita mix EVER.

The snow itself? Pretty. I plan to get water resistant mittens so I can make a snow man next time.

But,
Don't tell my family. With the exception of our amazing little changeling child, the Ella monster, who likes what she likes regardless of popular opinion, my family is full of snow haters.

so.
sshhh!